Note: This is a really personal one and a really sad one. If you're triggered by any mention of self harm, don't read this poem.
If I could change the past,
I would have turned my wounds into tattoos
So that I could adorn myself with art instead of scars.
I remember all of the choked out sobs
As I looked in the mirror
Because I thought I looked like a man
Or a monster
Whatever I was, I was not good enough.
And I punished myself for my imperfections
Until the punishment became a routine.
This is what addiction looks like.
Pain, then relief, then nothing.
I was losing myself in everything I should have been
And I know it's wrong to dwell on the past but that's one thing I wish I could take back.
I remember when I decided enough was enough.
I could no longer hurt those who cared for me because I was selfishly hurting myself.
But stopping felt like drowning and I realized this is what withdrawal feels like.
There is no pain greater than this
But there is no relief great than getting past this.
I remember the months I locked myself away
As I tried to fix myself
But I was still crying
And I was still despising
But I didn't have a release anymore.
And let me tell you, that was hard.
Even months after I put down the blade
I picked up the phone to see a text
From my boyfriend that read
"I know you stopped cutting
But you never stopped self harming
I know the way you think about yourself"
And that was the reality check I needed.
I tucked away the need to fit in
And the need to be somebody
Because I don't have to be anybody but myself
There is nothing more freeing than saying "I don't care what people think."
And this is what joy feels like
Because I am not destroying myself
I am thriving
I have become the sun lighting up the future that I once thought was so dark and I am making my own path
The future's not so scary when you're the one who's in control.
I know that I may not be what everyone wants me to be but that doesn't matter anymore
If I let myself get caught up in dealing with my worries
Then dealing is all I'm doing
And I'm not living, just existing.
I don't want to merely exist.
I want to live.
