Arthur McGregor

Rocky Road

The clanging of the metal spoon against the china bowl fills the silent air at the breakfast table, no one knows what to say. The house has been hushed after I came home last night. Maybe they think that I'm not okay? That if they bring up anything to do with Arthur or the funeral that I will break down? I'm fine really...Should I be fine? Shouldn't I be sad, up in my room lying surrounded by tissues not getting ready for school, like nothing has happened the last week, like everything is norm- my thoughts get cut off as Dad clears his throat before saying cautiously, "You better be on your way, Cascade, you don't want to be late for school."

An intense gaze sets over me as I get up and grab the keys to my car, I turn to find Mum watching me with a deeply concerned look fixed to her face, almost like she is trying to analyse my movements. I sigh "I'm fine Mum, don't worry."

As I open the front door, I can still feel her watching me, I step outside, the cool breeze a refreshment after being suffocated by silence all morning. The door clicks closed behind me.

I wait a minute out on the porch, looking at the front yard, the crisp green grass still covered in dew, spring flowers scattered across sit happily in the sunlight.

+=+=+

"I want to go outside." Arthur whines at me, tugging at my sweater with his small hands, the now six-year-old had just finished his finger painting. "Arthur stop you're getting paint all over me!" "But I want to go outside." He whines again. I look past him to his painting, little green hands cover the page. "What did you paint?" I ask, "Grass, I saw a park covered in it on the way here." I smiled down at him. "If we go outside you cannot tell anyone about it, it's top secret," I whisper to him. His face lights up with excitement as he enthusiastically nods his dark blond head of hair yes. I glance over at the nurse who is helping the other children with their finger painting, and she gives me the go ahead. I turn to Arthur who is practising his 'stealthy' ninja moves. I open the children's ward door and with that our 'top secret' mission has begun.

+=+=+

School was a blur, only Meg knew that I volunteered at the children's ward, but it was still frustrating how clueless everyone else in the school was, an innocent boy had just died. It's a small town the news has been around for 4 days, they must have heard something about it. But here they are laughing and joking around like nothing this past week has happened, not yesterday's funeral, not a single thought of what the family would be going through and it is frustrating.

"Hey," I turn to Meg meeting her dark hazel eyes and wait for her to continue.

"Want to go get ice cream before we head home?" I just nod and don't say anything. We used to get ice cream almost every day after school, but we haven't had a chance since I started volunteering eight months ago.

+=+=+

We are walking back to our cars when Meg suddenly trips over her own legs sending her rocky road ice cream straight towards her tanned forehead, school books go flying, and she crashes to the ground. I couldn't help but crack a smile as we both looked at each other and burst out loud with laughter. As I help her up to her feet a feeling of guilt punches me in my chest. I am no better than everyone else at school, laughing and eating ice cream when an innocent child is lying six feet under. I immediately drop my smile and stop laughing. Telling Meg that I'll go inside and get her some paper towels. I rush inside the small bathroom in the ice cream shop and lean against the wall, processing. The intense feeling of guilt is suffocating me, making me feel sick. My chest tightens up, as if my airway is closing, I can't breathe. I slide myself down the wall unable to feel my legs and feet anymore. I try and focus on one spot on the dirty tile floor, but everything is just a blur. My stomach churns, so I scurry across the floor to the toilet bowl, out of breath. My throat scratchy and dry hurts everytime I try and take a breath. My heart pounding is the only thing I can hear. I feel Meg place a hand on my shoulder to calm my shivering. Too exhausted to move, Meg pulls me into a comforting hug and sits on the floor next to me.

Once I have steaded my breaths and stopped hyperventilating I pull away from Meg's warm hug and look at her now concerned face with ice cream now melted all over it, normally I would have laughed at how funny she looks but I don't. Meg stands up, brushes herself off then pulls me up on my feet. Leaning against the wall silently and watching her as she goes and gets the paper towels I promised her from the wall next to the tap.

+=+=+

That night at dinner things were tenser than this morning. If that were even possible. Dad had a business dinner to farewell some coworker, so it was just Mum and me. Alone. In silence. Mum suddenly cleared her throat and looked up at me sadly nervously. "The hospital rang today." my stomach dropped. I look up at her from the opposite side of the table. "W-what did they say?" I manage to croak out. "They said that they understand if you want to stop volunteering at the children's centre. But they appreciated how you worked with the children and if you want to go back at any time you are always welcome." I took a deep breath. I can't make this decision now, there are more important things going on at this time. I can't even think about the hospital, she may have tried to take some of my stress off, but it hasn't helped at all. I need to think about everything, I need time to process. I stand up to go to my room next thing I know I am being wrapped in a hug. I can feel her love and concern, but it's suffocating.

I run out the door ignoring my Mum's calls to stop and come back. I slam my car door and find myself driving, I don't know where, I just drive, needing to get away from my house, from my school, from people always looking at me like I'm a china doll or not caring at all that an innocent child has died.

+=+=+

I pull into the church parking lot. The old building has a dark gleam in the twilight air. I get out of the car and make my way slowly around to the back of the church, the eerie scene sends chills up my spine.

I freeze when I see it. Flowers piled so high you can barely see the white cross marking the grave. There they lie, sad and beginning to wilt from lack of water. The ground is still freshly laid, not a speck of the dark almost grey grass anywhere in front of it.

Arthurs grave.

When I first met Arthur, I was surprised when I found out he had cancer. He seemed so full of life and happy with where he is, I didn't think that was possible, to find joy in every little thing. In fact, I was confused about why he was in the hospital in the first place. That's why I asked the nurse. I kneel down in front of it and just stare into space. All the memories from the children's ward and from the last few days come flooding back, and I let them. I don't suppress them or overthink anything. I just think, silently.

"Cascade?" I hear a familiar voice and a car door slam.

A few seconds later I hear footsteps followed by another call. "Cascade?" I turn my head up to the voice, meeting a concerned yet relieved face staring down at me. "Dad." I breathe as I jump up and wrap my arms around him, he hugs me back just as tight in a warm, comforting hug. Closing my eyes I feel a single tear roll down my cheek, followed by another. I am crying for the first time since all of this madness. The relief is overwhelming. Dad just holds me and lets me cry.

"Let's go home now pumpkin."