Lost

Conversation with myself.

The interviewer stood up as I made myself to the seat next to her, and she smiled so warmly raising her hand towards me, urging  me to sit down, as she did as well.
"A round of applause to the famous artist who created a beautiful piece of art, which we all loved." The interviewer started applauding, smiling happily again.
I smiled at the audience, whose face I couldn't see, because of the lights that were focused on me. But I could hear many people around me, and that kinda made me nervous and proud of myself at the same time.
" your painting 'lost' got so many likes from people around the world. Would you tell us, what made you draw this amazing piece?" The interviewer continued, and I looked at her paying attention to all the words she was putting correctly, as we were live on the television. So, I had to assemble my words carefully, and not make mistake while talking.
" It is very rare, when somebody asks me what story I have behind my drawings. Usually art is supposed to have a wider perspective to it, so that everybody feels it in a different way. But when asked to the creator of the art, no one would be able to describe it as well as the creator does."
I was happy, people were willing to know the story behind my art, but it also made me lowkey scared thinking, if my long sad story would be too boring for them. But, for how long was I going to think, people wouldn't like me sad, or they would like me only when I am happy. I thought to myself. I thought I was already over that stage.
"Ok, I will tell you the story behind it." I mustered up my courage and spoke.
-------

Today was a very tiring day, as I removed my clothes one by one, and didn't care the way they settled on the marbled floor without making a noise. The house was calm and settled as always. It never failed to amaze me how beautiful my life had been, after these many years. I went close to the gigantic mirror that rested on my bedroom's wall, and looked at my naked self. I felt heavy, even though I ate my cheat meal after a month of eating salad and watching my weight. I deserved that, but maybe my body didn't like the feeling of getting bloated. Ughhh... I hated this feeling. A thought crossed my mind, stretching its hands out towards me, to try it once more, today. Why not? I should do 'it' when I feel uneasy and there is nothing wrong in that. I thought to myself, and that thought made me feel, like I was doing nothing wrong by puking out the only cheat meal I had eaten after so many days. But, isn't it good to throw up anything that makes you feel uneasy? I stared in the mirror---
When my phone rang in the distant playing a slow aesthetic piano music. I walked towards my phone, and answered the phone to my best friend's voice.
"I am sorry for yesterday." She spoke. I stayed quiet and listened to her side of the story. " I think, I have been a little too selfish these days. I should have answered your call. Please tell me, what is it that I did?" She continued.
But, at this point, I didn't want to remind her of all the times she had ignored me, or said that she was busy and had numbed my calls, making me feel like I was too toxic for anybody's friendship. Sometimes, you don't need harsh words, only some actions are enough to make you realise where you stand in their eyes. Letting people go was difficult in the past, but it has become easy lately.
"I think, we shouldn't be friends anymore" I finally spoke, with no emotions at all. Instead a tired feeling clinged my eyes. And before she could ask me questions that she didn't think of figuring out herself, I switched my phone off.
I rushed to the toilet and put my hand in my mouth, and forced everything out. Tears filled my eyes,but these weren't those tears of loss, just the tears of having forced my body into something I believed to be a necessity. I walked to my mirror again, and looked at myself. I felt lighter now. I was looking prettier, only my face looked red and unclear, and my eyes teary from the pressure I had put on my body, but that would go away when I would wake up the next morning. I thought to myself.
Maybe right now, I needed something to make me feel loved. And what better than, treating myself with some hot water bath.
I filled in my bathtub, and placed my naked self into the soft bubbled water. I sat there, and as my empty mind got a chance, it brought my bestfriend's conversation back in my head.
We surely had been best friends for thirteen years, but I had to accept that people changed, as it had did in the past too. I had been her ears for too long already, and when I needed her to give me company, she had excuses pulled up out of nowhere.
Depression was already over a year ago, and things had been better, giving me insight of how independent and unique I could be on my own.
My body shivered a little, when a thought crossed my mind. I hugged my knees as I suddenly started feeling cold. It was surely the though that was making me feel cold.
Was I acting like a victim, when I am not really one?
I had hated people who had acted like victims in the past, but this situation made me think that about myself. But it didn't feel like I was wrong. I was actually a victim, and had gotten over it.
Was I overthinking again?
Overthinking lead nowhere.
Do people, like me only when I am happy?
Another thought, and came overlapping thoughts rushing in, craving for my attention.
I closed my eyes, and felt nothing. No remorse. Just numb.
Yeah! People enjoy my company only when I am making them laugh, and not showing the sad side of me.
You like me only when I am happy.
It was the truth, but it didn't hurt at all.
Is it too late to kill myself now?
It still felt numb.
I had repaid the money, I had stolen from my parents locker to travel thousands of miles away to meet him.
" I have to look at what I am now." I spoke to myself, and that kinda made me smile.
Am I getting crazy, because these things don't bother me anymore?
Break-ups were always too cliche, but it all led to blaming the break-up.
Yaa, ofcourse. It wasn't the only thing that happened after he left.
Yaa, why was I even blaming "that thing". It has been out of my life for a long time now.
Act rational!
I got up from the tub, and prepared myself to put myself to sleep.
I switched on my phone, and saw almost twenty missed calls from my best friend.
It kinda made me smile.
So, you already feel my loss. I spoke to myself
I didn't care though.
The messages that she has left me? My brain asked me.
I don't have time for emotions right now.
I closed my phone shut again and lay on my bed. I looked at the ceiling, and my balcony seemed dark today. Today is a no-moon night, I guessed to myself.
The lights in my bedroom were still lighting up my room like always, and I was going to leave them on, till the morning as I had always done.
I loved the darkness in the afternoon, but not the darkness at night.
I know it doesn't make any sense, but someday it will.