Lost

The blue girl

I closed my eyes, to the lights shining in my room. I raised my hands to my chest, while laying on my bed, to feel my heart beat. But, I kept my hand over my chest for so long, realising I couldn't feel a thing.
It felt like my heart, was not beating.....
I started getting a feeling of uneasines, but I ignored it before it overpowered me.
I let my thoughts rest for a while, by tapping my heart gently with my hands, until they slid to my side.

Some bright light was penetrating through my eyes, and it was difficult to ignore it, because it was forcing me to notice it.
And so I did....
I opened my eyes, and a bright blue light blinded my eyes. It was soo strong, that closing my eyes wouldn't even help. So, I covered my eyes with my hands. But, I realised that the light started to slowly dim down, letting me open my eyes.
And that is when I saw, a pink mirror. It was gigantic, and seemed to be floating just few inches above the floor facing me. It showed my own reflection. I stared at myself for a while, until I noticed a dim blue light shining in the distance in the mirror.
I looked behind me to look for the dim light, but I couldn't find any. I turned my attention to the mirror again, and that is when I saw the light enlarging. It felt as if it was coming closer and closer. Confused, I turned around to look behind me again. My heart almost choked my throat.
When I looked at the mirror again, I saw that the light orb settled in between my eyebrows in the reflection.
As I looked closely, my reflection was starting to fade slowly and that light orb was taking some sort of shape in the mirror.
It transformed into a human figure, which sat elegantly, with her legs in union towards her side, making her posture tilt to the opposite.
I realised, myself getting relaxed,when she lay her eyes on me. A blue light glowed on her forehead, which reminded me of the birthmark, I have on the same place.
I looked at her eyes again, and I realised she had those same pair of eyes as mine. I looked at her lips, and they were just like mine.
She was me, only skinnier and weaker, yet she smiled at me, ever so warmly.
Ahhh...
A sudden pain in my chest, made my hands push my chest, as I leaned down, because the pain seemed unbearable. It felt like hammers, hitting me from deep within. Both my hands pushed harder against my chest, making me lean forward, to make the pain stop. A tear left my eye, and fell on to the floor.
That is when the pain, started to subside and in some time it was gone, leaving no trace of it behind.
I slowly raised my head, above to look at the girl in the mirror, and she had her both hands touching the mirror, looking worried. It seemed like she wanted to come out, and comfort me.
"Who are you?" I managed to ask, getting back to my normal state.
She let her hands fall down to her side, as if she had lost all hope, and looked to the floor looking all lost.
"It is okay, I understand." She nodded her head, slowly shifting her eyes to me.
She smiled again, but this time with tears in her eyes.
"I think, I look very skinny, and miserable, because you don't seem to recognize me." She spoke between smiling, and tears falling from her eyes.
The tears in her eyes, made me feel so tempestuos. It burned my soul, to see her that way, in soo much pain.
"I'm sorry" two words slipped out of my mouth, without even realising.
" why do you look like me?" I asked her.
"Because, I am 'you'." She said again with a sad smile.
I was taken aback, when she said those words to me.
"But, how?? I am sitting here, and you-"
And before I could ask her something else, flashes started barging in my mind.
I looked at her teary eyes, and her sad smiling face, when I suddenly lost all my strength and my body collapsed to the floor.
I didn't realise, when My eyes shut themselves, and the pain which had earlier caught me, came back to me again. This time with so much force, that I curled up like a cacoon on the floor, slowly thudding my chest to stop aching so much.
I was demented at this point, when the flashes containing me in them sarted to be shown right in front of my closed eyes.
I saw myself, in a hotel room crying to myself feeling devastated.
He left you, yet again, when you only came this far after stealing your parents money.
I heard those words in my head, and it felt so much painful. I cried thinking about that day, when he had said, he didn't quite know, if I had loved him or not.
And in order to prove him, I had travelled so far, and had given him my all.
Even though, I had known I would never had done it for anybody.
The tears fell down my eyes, like a stream of water flowing down the hill.
I clenched my fist, angry at myself, for having given myself to someone, who didn't even care calling me whether I had reached home that night or not.
I chest burned and I cried so much.
The flash changed, and this time it showed a little girl screaming and pushing the man who stood there, doing things to her body she didn't even know the meaning of .
I was petrified, when I realised, that 8 year old girl was me. Who was crying for help in a house no one resided in.
He opened up the pleasures of your body way earlier, then you should have been aware of at that time.
A female wispered into my ears, bringing the pain of my childhood freshly back in my head. I felt my body rejecting, everything he was doing to me with his hands. I begged for him to stop and all I had heard was his devilish laughter.
What made me cry even more, was the fact that I still saw him at my ever family function, because he was my uncle.
I cried harder this time, thinking of how I had never had the courage to tell my parents of what he had done to me, and up until now I lived containing all in by myself.
I curled up on the floor hugging my knees, scared of letting anybody touch me anymore. It felt disgusting.
I cried only more.
After sometime, the flashes changed showing me my room, where my 18 year old self lay on the bed looking at the ceiling.
She had earphones in her ears, and she listened to that sad song, swaying her hands left and forth, enjoying the sad tone that was seeping into her soul.
It was okay, to not have friends be there for you when you needed them the most.
With the wisper again, I felt a feeling of having lost a war with myself. A time when I had lost my self, and seen the depression slowly devouring every part part of my soul, like a savory dish, turning me into dark purple.
I saw myself smiling at people, and making jokes just to see a smile on their faces. It was that version of me, who wore full-sleeved t-shirts in order to hide her self inflicted scars on her body.
I felt myself accepting my depression, acting like it was normal for people like me.
It was normal to scar my thigh with a sharp blade.
"Atleast, it didn't kill me." I heard myself in the image say.
I shifted my hands to my ears and pressed against them, to make those wispers stop. I didn't want to hear any of these. Because, it didn't matter now. I was so strong now. I am strong... I forced my mind into believing, that things had changed and I was a better version of me. I was happy.
I was everything that I ever dreamed to be.
But a question crossed my miserable mind, "why was I feeling all these emotions only now, and not then, when it had happened?"
" you preferred numb." I heard a wisper again.
And it all dawned on me, of how strong I had acted, when I was supposed to feel the emotions I had been going through and not push them away.
I felt my heart having lost someone very dear to me, and I relaxed my hands from my ears, and opened my eyes to look at the girl, who was in the mirror.
She had both of her hands on the mirror, and her face looked worried and sad.
Different flashes again played in my head like a video, making me close my eyes, and re-living those memories. It felt torturous going back to the same things I had been running from.
I cried harder and harder each time it showed me something very painful and scary. I didn't want to go back to those days.
To anything..
To my hostel days, or the days, I had spent many hours crying in the bathrom stall, begging and praying to an unknown source, who could help me stop the bullying.
I stopped resisting my past flashes, and I just let it come. Because there was nothing I could do, but face it. Right now!
The only thing, I knew I could do was cry, and not care if people heard my loud cries or not.
While every video playing in my head, I realised I had always acted strong and not given into pain. I had always been that jolly girl, I had always wanted to be.
The flashes seemed never ending, and I released my body accepting every pain it had to offer to me right now. Slowly the tears seemed to cease, and I lay on the cold floor, with my hands resting each on my either side. I opened my eyes to the dark ceiling, whose paint had started to wear-off. The flashes continued even with my eyes opened, and I gave up, knowing I had already lost this fight of portaraying myself as strong.
The flashes continued, and showed me everything that had happened to me in the last twenty years.
My parents smiling proudly at me, for having won a trophy for the best artist, from the mayor of the town himself.
The happy moments, painted a smile to my lips, and made me realise how I had never considered all my loved one's care towards me.
After some time , the flashes started fading away, and I still layed there looking at the ceiling, understanding every single thing I was supposed to understand.
Everything came to my understanding.
I started getting up, and sat on my knees looking at the girl in the mirror.
This time I smiled at her, and placed my hands against the mirror, willing to touch her. She did the same and came closer to me.
I looked into her eyes and the tears filled my eyes again, as I recognised her as my own.
The one, whom I had given my pain and happiness and in return had felt numb all this while thinking, feelings were only temporary.
"I have been bad to you." I spoke to her.
"I have never blamed you." She told me, comforting me.
I had never wanted either happiness, or sadness in my life, thinking they were all temporary.
When the sad feeling left, I had felt happy, it was gone.
When the angry feeling had left, it created a suffocation inside for not having put it out there. It felt like standing on the top of the mountain, getting that urge to jump, yet too scared to even try.
When the happy feeling had left, it took with it the loss of that special moment.
When the excited feeling had left, I had thought that I got bored of my one person, who seemed like roses and stars to me in the beginning.
Every feeling had an after effect to it, and I had hated those effects, so I had preferred numb.
Maybe this wasn't the only reason, I had preferred choosing nothing.
The other reasons, had already occured to me amidst those flashes I had only few minutes ago.
"Feelings are not bad at all. Why don't you explore them, and they will make you someone wiser." My blue refelction spoke.
"The sad feeling would teach you, how much you cared for something, and you would always hold a special place in your heart for someone who had the power to make you sad, because you loved them." She continued.
"The angry feeling, which helps you realise, that it is okay to be angry at someone, but to always watch your words when angry. You don't want to hurt someone to an extent that they can't handle. Even if it is a Stranger. It would help you get a better insight of the situation.
A happy feeling, will teach to look for joy in every single thing that you do, because your body loves, and even your heart loves the feeling of joy.
The excited feeling, would make you realise, that life has its own twists and turns, and how you could find the pink and happy colour in them."
My reflection finished her sentence, and I got lost in the scar on her forehead which glowed.
Every insight that she was trying to reveal to me, fit perfectly into my brain.
"You love that mark on your forehead, don't you? You think it makes you unique." She asked with a smile. And I simply nodded thinking about how I had always loved that round brown birthmark on the right side of my forehead.
I had called myself, the brown-moon girl.
" can I make you look pretty?" I asked her.
And she looked at me excited. "Would you like to do that?"
"Yup, but we don't have any makeup here." I said looking around.
And suddenly, my whole wardrobe seemed to pop-up out of nowhere.
"Did you do this?" I looked at her with a sudden surprised look on my face.
And she laughed for the very first time, ever since we saw each other. Her laughter was like music to my ears. I had never though my laughter could be so intoxicating.
I stood up and went to my drawer, and picked out a very beautiful dress with moon and flowers printed on it. I opened my small drawer and grabbed my make up box, and brought them back to the mirror.
But, I looked at her confused, when I realised I couldn't touch her through the mirror, and as if she understood, she smiled at me ever wider and said.
"You can touch me, now that you have accepted me as your own."
Her words brought a feeling of an intense emotion.