How I Ruined Everything By Saying It Out Loud - Lan Xichen x Jiang Cheng

[3]

Sometimes, when Jiang Cheng stays very, very still, he can imagine the smell of Lotus Pier and breeze that blows with it. He can imagine a time where Ah-Die, Ah-Niang, and Ah-Jie was alive, a time where they could pretend to be a happy family.

Growing up, all Jiang Cheng knew was his family. Their mannerisms, their quirks, their colors, just them. Now, he finds, it's getting harder and harder to see them in his mind. He long forgot what color his father's eyes were, and sometimes he has trouble remembering if Ah-Niang's eyes were the same as his. But he supposes that they were similar, after all, he always took after his mother. And if there's a small part of him that's terrified of forgetting his mother, he ignores it.

He misses his sister, the only person who stayed a constant throughout his life. Even when Wei Wuxian walked away, his sister still sat next to him. Until she didn't, and all he had left was the child she gave.

And when his father stopped looking at him, didn't even want to cast a glance at the creature he made, Jiang Cheng finally realized how much being invisible hurt. When no one could see you except yourself, and sometimes, he couldn't see himself either. He resembled his father too much, his mannerisms like his mother, he hadn't seemed to gain the passive sweetness of his sister. And if he did, it had long been rubbed away by years of conditional love given by his parents. But he was like a boy playing dress-up, seeing which one of these faces was his favorite, which fit him. Not a man, a boy.

He sighs, tipping his cup back, letting his body take a few cups of *baijiu before going to meet the other man. Jiang Cheng leaves during the late afternoon, and when he arrives, he knocks once at the wooden door. Twice. And then the door opens, and Lan Xichen greets him with a smile. If he's surprised, he doesn't show it. Instead, he holds the door open and allows the other Sect leader to pass by next to him. He offers him a seat at a low table with a teapot and two cups of tea already set out, a third one turned upside down. A few moments of awkward silence pass between the two, and then Lan Xichen is asking him a question and it takes Jiang Cheng a few seconds to process.

"Pardon?"

Lan Xichen's smile seems to turn wider. "How are you, Sect Leader Jiang?" He repeats, smiling kindly. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

Jiang Cheng nods, sipping the tea Lan Xichen already had prepared. By now it was already lukewarm, and the bitter taste of the tea had a slightly sweet tinge. Green tea, he notes, Yunmeng had an abundance of green tea, the result of a treaty he'd signed when he'd foolishly waited for Wei Wuxian to return. Green tea had always been his brothers favorite.

"Seems as if we both have been rather busy," Jiang Cheng replies, setting down his cup gently and looking at Lan Xichen. For a second, Jiang Cheng wonders if the man is all smiles and no bite, but then he remembers that this smiling puppy is the most powerful man in the world and he immediately sits up taller, instantly wary of the man who sits before him.

If Lan Xichen notices his wariness, he doesn't show it again. After all, Jiang Cheng has been born and raised to be a man as sharp as his blade, and he lives up to his reputation with all his sharp edges.

"About Jin Guangyao," Jiang Cheng begins, testing the waters. He continues when Lan Xichen does not protest. "How do you feel now?"

It's not what he wants to say, hell, it's far less smooth than what he wanted to say. But Jiang Cheng's never been good with words, yet somehow Lan Xichen reads him like a book and sighs.

"You are not here to listen to my burdens, Wanyin. You would not understand."

The moment the words leave Lan Xichen's mouth, Jiang Cheng can already see the regret in his eyes but the words strike a match in his heart and anger flares.

"I am probably the only fucking person in this world who understands! You think you're the only fucking person who lost everything? Well guess what, you're not. Did you find out that the man who you loved and trusted. The man that also turned his back on you to become a fucking hero and then died, leaving you alone, gave you his golden core so you could continue to be a cultivator and he couldn't? I don't fucking think so." Jiang Cheng is on a rampage, stumbling through words. His eyes flash of memories from what feels like another lifetime.

Golden eyes flash as well, an emotion Jiang Cheng can't name. But he's said enough, and his face is not thick enough to apologize and act like a sect leader after throwing a tantrum so before Lan Xichen can speak, Jiang Cheng's already fucked off into another section of the Cloud Recesses. And Lan Xichen is alone, again.