Identity (Phan)

Chapter 16

A loud, steady beep was present in the haze of darkness shrouding Dan’s mind, yanking, tugging, pushing him into consciousness. He could hear himself breathing loudly, the sound ragged in his ears, and there was a sharp pain in both of his arms.

After many moments struggling to find enough energy that would propel him back into the living world, Dan was able to crack his eyes open a small amount before scrunching them back up at the harsh luminosity. Why did it hurt so much to open his eyes? Why did it feel like his arms were stinging with a million angry bees and his mouth was as dry as the desert?

“Dan?” A voice called out to him, soft, hesitant, the consistency of hot chocolate on a cold day. “Can you hear me?”

He tried to answer, tried to show that he was awake, but the sand paper on his tongue was making it especially hard to get his message across. So he stayed silent instead, trying to urge his eyes to open once again. It was difficult, more so than anything Dan had ever needed to conquer, and moving was almost the same struggle as if he was swimming through a pool of pudding, but he did it, eyes squinting into harsh lights.

“Oh thank God,” the voice breathed. It was Phil; that was the only thing Dan could even fathom to register. Phil was here. Phil cares about Dan. Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil. The man’s blue eyes were the wonderful bright blue colour that the sky often portrayed on sunny days, little specks of yellow and green showing through the irises, trying to force their way through ocean waves. It didn’t matter that Phil’s hair was greasy, or that his eyes were bloodshot like he hadn’t slept for days, all that Dan cared about was that Phil was here with him, wherever ‘here’ was, anyways. 

“Where are we?” Dan whispered and his voice came out sounding like a ninety year old hag that chain smoked her whole life. 

Phil, in return, scooted Dan over gently in the pristine bed, moving the cords attached to Dan’s arms so that they weren’t in his way, and laying down. His arm came up and rested on Dan’s clothed hip, and their faces were inches apart, but Dan didn’t mind. He could feel Phil’s breath on his cheeks, and the warmth radiating into his chilled body, and nothing really mattered then besides the two of them. But the pain in his arms and the words that Phil uttered next made him cold in a completely different away, ice inching through his veins, churning his stomach. “The hospital,” Phil replied, and his eyes refused to look into Dan’s brown ones, instead staring somewhere in between Dan’s lips and nose.

“What did I do?” Dan asked just as quiet, deciding to drag his own eyes away from Phil’s face to stare at the throbbing area that was screaming to be noticed. His wrists, both of them, were covered in harsh white gauze that looked shocking in comparison to his tanned skin. Little ribbons of red had begun to show around the edges. Dan felt like he was going to be sick. 

Phil bit his lip and buried himself into Dan’s chest almost gingerly, trying not to harm the frail boy yet still attempting to shower him in as much care as he could muster. Phil didn’t want to lose Dan. Not now. Not ever. “I’ll tell you, of course I will, but I swear with whatever I have in me that I will never let you be hurt this bad again. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to see me again, I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re alright.” Phil took a deep breath, and Dan could see that it was considerably hard for him to breathe as his lips trembled against the skin of Dan’s collar bone. “You’re the most important person in my life, Dan. And I don’t want you to think that will ever change. I love you, Dan.” 

Dan’s lungs almost collapsed right then, his heart beating so loud that he was sure Phil could hear it. But before he could speak, Phil cut him off again. 

“It happened while we were watching Sybil. You were really into it and thought it was interesting because the woman didn’t remember various parts in her life. You commented how it was weird, but you cut yourself off before you finished your sentence. Next thing I know, you’re extremely quiet and you wouldn’t let me touch you. I knew something was going to happen then. And I was right. In just a few seconds, you were running out the door, away from me, away from the classroom, and I ran after you.” Phil’s hands grasped the thin hospital gown like he was scared Dan was going to disappear forever. Dan started to rub his back, trying to comfort him the best that he could, but knowing it wasn’t really helping in the current situation. “When I got to the dorm, everything was quiet. I yelled for you, but you didn’t answer. Then I heard a clattering sound from the kitchen and I found- I found you on the floor covered in blood. Your own blood.” 

Dan could feel himself began to shake, but he held himself back, tried to be strong despite the emotions swirling through his body. Flashes of red, flashes of white, that needed to be unleashed, and voices that started taunting him. He was collapsing in on himself, trying so hard to stay afloat despite the currents trying to hold him down. With shaking hands, he raked his fingertips through Phil’s ebony hair, trying to calm himself with the feeling of silk flowing through his fingers. “Phil,” He murmured, and lifted the older boy’s head so they were eye-to-eye. Water was forming in depths of blue, leaking onto pale cheeks in a way that made Dan’s head hurt. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you.”

And then they were kissing, and Dan didn’t know how. He’d never kissed anyone before, never felt the pulling in his chest that made it hard to conjure enough oxygen to live, but the feeling of Phil’s lips against his was making his head spin, and the voices in his head flat-lined into a blur of nothingness. Everything was slow, and Dan’s hands were cold, but Phil’s were warm against his cheeks, and he felt okay, more than that even. 

Phil made Dan feel like a cage in his heart had been opened, allowing himself to escape from the imprisonment in his body. He was finally free. 

They broke apart after the small clearing of a throat forced them to jump away, breathing heavy and cheeks flushed. They came face to face with a smiling woman who, deep down, looked as if she was struggling to hold herself together. “Mr. Howell?” She addressed kindly, giving the two flustered boys a tight smile. She was holding a clip board with manicured hands, clicking the pen every few seconds. Dan looked at her expectantly, still holding onto Phil with as much force as he could muster with bandaged arms and drugged veins. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Dan replied, although it sounded more like a question even to himself. Her voice was off, something telling him that she was holding herself back from blurting out word vomit. 

She smiled at him once again, lips thin while a thin finger brushed locks of golden honey out of her eyes. The clicking of the pen continued. "I'm glad to hear that. My name is Joy, I'll be your nurse for the rest of your stay here. Since you're awake, I've been told that I need to ask you a few questions about what happened. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"I don't-."

Joy cut him off anyways, starting her interrogation despite his protests. "Can you tell me why you decided to harm yourself?"

"I don't know."

"Did you want to kill yourself, Mr. Howell?"

"No, I would never."

"Then why would you attempt to take a knife to your skin?"

Phil cleared his throat, forcing the woman to stop her pressing questions. Dan could feel the anger wafting from the older man, making a warmth swell in his chest just because Phil cared and he knew that Dan was uncomfortable. "Listen, Joy," Phil started in a gruff voice, "Can't you see that Dan had absolutely no idea what he was doing? It's obvious that your questioning is in no way helpful towards him and is actually extremely upsetting, so if you would please stop what you're doing and get to the point."

Joy cleared her throat, taken aback, and gave Phil a look that made Dan shrink and Phil chuckle lightly. She looked like a cat had been placed on her right after it'd been drenched in water. "Very well," She hissed. "As you both may or may not have heard, suicide cases are taken very seriously in hospitals such as this one and are not taken lightly, even if the attempt was an 'accident'. This being said, all patients who are admitted into the hospital with any case of mental disorder or suicide attempt will be placed in Psychiatric care as an inpatient, the amount of time depending on how severe the case had been."

Dan couldn't fucking breathe. There was air there, oxygen waiting to be sucked into his lungs, but the lightness that he had felt during the kiss with Phil had been taken over, replaced with crippling concrete that filled his lungs and turned to stone with each exposure to inhalation. "Wait," Dan whimpered, ignoring the feel of Phil's hand slipping in between his fingers, gripping until their knuckles were white. "I have to go to a mental hospital? You think I'm crazy?"

"Not at all," Joy answered monotonously. She wanted to be here just as much as Dan did. "Like I said, it will be a standard procedure to be placed in a psychiatric hospital. It usually only lasts for about a week, and since you are eighteen, you will be in the adult section and able to see your boyfriend during visiting hours."

Dan barely processed the fact that she called Phil his boyfriend. He barely even cared at the moment. Because the voices were back and they were malevolent and each jab made his heart feel weaker. Phil was still beside him, whispering comforts in his ear, but he didn't process anything Phil was saying. The voices were deafening and the outside world was a mere blur while the monsters in his head materialized and became real. 

You're worthless. You're crazy. Only freaks get sent to mental hospitals. 

And with that blaring into his mind, Dan laid his head on Phil's chest and wept. 

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A/N: HI HELLO FRIENDS HOW ARE YOU. Ok so i shall be updating every other week now ok. So every other tuesday will be my gift to you! I hope you enjoy because I've literally had this planned since I first started this fic pls don't hate me ily all. Ty so much for reading You're all wonderful <3