Sometimes Pain's the Only Way that We Can Learn || ✖️Solby✖️

Chapter 8

this chapter is in Colby's point of view

The days passed by and we texted and spent time on the phone together until the day of our date arrived. He was really nice, funny, attractive, basically just a guy that anyone would like.

His name's Reece, he's 22, he's studying Psychology at UCLA, and he identifies as gay. He has grey eyes and kind of long, floppy blonde hair that kind of reminds me of how I used to style mine a few years ago.

He was super sweet and the kind of person anyone could have a great time with, and I think you could see that by just spending a little bit of time around him.

I have a really great feeling about the date, and I just hope that it'll be decent and the bit of help I need to get back on my feet.

For now, I should probably be getting ready for the date. I needed to choose something that showed effort but not too much effort. It is only the first date, after all.

That wouldn't be too hard though, that's basically my style. Effort, but not too much effort. I settled on a black and white striped shirt with roses on it and black jeans. I also threw on a black denim jacket over it and a few bracelets.

I messed with my hair a bit until I liked it, and did the final things to get ready, and set out to meet him in Santa Monica at the time we'd arranged. We agreed on going around 5:30 so we could eat and then walk down the beach and watch the sunset.

I left at around 5 because I only live about 20 minutes from there, but LA traffic is wild sometimes and I'd probably end up late anyways.

I was going out of my apartment and towards the elevator when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around to see Sam. He was also kind of dressed up like he was going out.

I gave him a friendly smile and said hello with a wave. "Hey, where are you off to?" He asked. It was kind of strange how he always wanted to know my business, but I really didn't care.

"Oh, I'm just...going out with someone," I answered "Oh, already?" He asked. I heard a little something about his tone that was off, but I wasn't too sure what it was. "Yeah, I think I'll be alright," I said, putting on a small smile.

"What about you?" I asked. "Oh, I'm just going out to explore a bit on my own," he shrugged. "You know, find my way around, find some new places to hang out, stuff like that."

"Oh, well have fun I guess," I said. "Yeah, you too. Good luck on your date." He replied with a small smile. "Catch you later," I said with a wave once we made it to the garage.

I glanced from the road to the clock, until I realized that I'd for sure be late for the date. It was about 5:15 and I was stuck in traffic. I often regret moving to Los Angeles, the traffic is horrible.

Eventually, I made it, about 15 minutes late. "I'm so sorry I'm late, LA traffic is crazy," I sighed. "No no, it's fine, I figured that's what happened," he replied with a soft smile.

I looked him up and down and smiled. "You look great," I said. "Thanks, so do you."

We talked over a nice dinner and got to know each other, sharing a lot of laughs and everything else. To put it simply, the date was great, but I still couldn't help but remember all the great memories I'd had with her.

It would obviously take a while for me to get her out of my head. We were together for so long, I never thought she'd throw me away like that, but it's whatever, her loss.

Once I pushed her to the back of my mind, we had an amazing time. Once we were done eating and paid for the food, we walked down to the beach and walked down the shore watching the sunset.

We had a really good time together, but before I knew it, it was getting really late and we decided we should get back. "I'll talk to you soon," he said after walking me back to my car. "Great. I had a really good time tonight," I replied. "Me too."

I drove home with a smile on my face the entire time. I really was happy, and I began to feel kind of excited for what life had to offer. If everything went this great with him, we could be on the path to an eventual great relationship.

Once I got back to my apartment, I got comfortable and ready to spend some time relaxing and not having to worry about anything. I know that the not worrying about anything part probably won't happen, but I can still hope.

My mind wanders, there's no controlling it, but I often wish there was some way to control it. I wish I could just forget everything and finally be able to close my eyes and not wake up until the next morning feeling great and ready for the day.

I would do anything for that to happen just once. I want to fall into such a deep sleep that I don't see anything in my dreams and wake up without memory.

Well, now that I think about it, that sounds a lot like a coma. Maybe I want to slip into a coma, maybe that's what I've been longing for. It honestly wouldn't be too bad if that were to happen.

It would hurt to many people if I died, but it's crossed my mind quite a bit. I mean, technically the point of living is to die, so there really isn't a point in being alive for the full eighty-something years of life, not to mention the fact that you're literally useless for the last 15 years.

Of course, though, I would never go through with that because I have people who like the fact that I exist. I'm not gonna let down so many people. I mean, personally I feel like only ten people would really care if I died, but there are over a million all around the world who would care, and I guess that's keeping me going.

I'm currently on a break though, and during this break, I'm thinking about the best way to come out to all of my supporters.

I also know that in 1.5 million people, at least one of them is extremely homophobic, so I'm definitely going to lose some supporters from that. The only things stopping me was my fear of how many I'd be losing, and if they'd just leave me alone after that.

I don't want to think about that right now. All I want is to turn my brain off and not have to constantly be burdened with the worries always on my mind.

Maybe there was no reason for me to try and find happiness if I always end up looking at only the negative.

It's not like I'm going to trust anyone enough to be in a relationship again. Who would even want me anyways? If I wasn't good enough for her, what
makes me think I'm good enough for anyone?

I leaned my head on the wall and took a deep breath, trying to steady myself and not scream. Thankfully, I eventually did stop wanting to scream, but that doesn't mean anything got better.

My ears started ringing and I felt nauseous and dizzy, and one thing kept repeating in my head.

Just give up.