It's Not What It Looks Like (Recently Completed)

Chapter - 9

Colette

People with bipolar disorder have two extreme moods swings at times. The depressive low and manic high. I don't think I ever had a manic high, but after every game nights, I usually go through a phase of depressive low in which I want to jump off the window sill or wish someone could just plunge a dagger to my heart and help end all this. But that's my depression talking. I would never kill myself because I know if I am gone, Father will replace me with Lily and I won't let it happen until my last breath.

During my depressing phase, I also think about my parents. Father ones told me that the cop who worked on my parent's accident case told him that the car in which my parents died should have collided on the right side but at the last moment my father swung the steering wheel to turn the vehicle from hitting on the side of the car where I was in a car seat. Instead, the front of the car hit the truck, killing my Mom and Dad on impact. While trying to save me from instant death, Dad sealed my fate to died a slow painful death. I have no doubt that I will ever make it out alive. Father will never let it. He will make sure that I am properly discarded when the time comes. My only wish is Lily doesn't replace me.

This life I live in, it is not easy. When my hair is pulled like they are trying to rip it off my skull, it hurts. When my back is bent in an impossible angle, my spine hurts. When I take in two huge men, every inch of my body hurts. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy nevertheless Lily. So I stay put enduring the pain as my body recovers. I feel the pain will be much easier to endure if I was forced to do it but I gave my consent a long time ago. Though I cry my heart out after these game nights I know I am the one to be blamed. I let my greed get the best out of me.

It all started when I was 16 and Father had to stay in China for setting up his manufacturing plant. He had taken me with him since it was a long stay and he needed me to quench his thirst for a warm body. Like the mansion, I was never allowed to go out except on Chinese new year when the official who was giving Father trouble invited Father and me to a special event with cultural performances. While Father and the Chinese official talked business, I was stunned by the beautiful performances. After the event, Father brought the officer back to our hotel. He promised me that if I cooperated with the officer and slept with him, he will arrange a tour guide to show me around the city. The new year celebration and the possibility of getting away from the four walls of the hotel to enticed me and agreed to let the officer do whatever he wanted which got Father the approvals he needed and me a chance to see the city.

That was the first time anyone other than Father touched me and it didn't stop at that. He soon realized that my youthfulness was attracting many men who helped him grow in his business. So I was offered to the horny men in exchange for favours. I, in turn, got things like a laptop, internet, driving license, car, concert ticket, the permission to enrol in Zach's college and the latest painkillers.

Even though I am gaining a lot out of this business transaction with Father, I feel filthy after these game nights. I keep scrubbing off the scent and fluids from those men but still, I feel like I am covered in it. I know that its the depression phase doing the tricks but I can't stop myself feeling like this.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear a knock on my door. I wrap myself in a throw blanket even though I have too much clothing on my body. I have a pullover on top with a t-shirt and a tank top under it. I put on my yoga pants and a jogger over that. Knee-Length socks cover my feet while gloves cover my hands.  Its a warm day and I am sweating underneath all these layers of clothes but I don't care. I just don't want to show any skin at this point. This is one of my many odd behaviours during the depression face.