It's Not What It Looks Like (Recently Completed)

Chapter 16

Colette

I am one of those people for whom nothing comes easy. Maybe it's because I am over optimistic. After meeting Jessica and her family, I assumed life henceforth would be a cake walk. Oh! How wrong I was. The first few weeks everything was fine. Jessica worked from home. Naomi and Noah went to school and Rachael always had late work hours. Most of my days were spent in cleaning and cooking for which I volunteered seeing how busy everyone else were except me, binge watching Netflix and mindless surfing the internet mostly stacking Zach. I wasn't doing much in Father's home either. But I had to plot and plan or heal from one assualt or the other. It took so much of my time and thoughts that now I was there in a busy street of Chicago around people who had their entire life mapped out, without a clue what to do with my own life.

Whoever said "Empty mind is devil's workshop" was absolutely right. I didn't realize it then but I was slowly drifting into depression. Added to that was my nightmare which was absent in the initial days in the new home, came back with a vengeance. Vivid flashes of the past and aimless days meant I kept replaying the horrible memories again and again taking an overturn on my mental health. Physically I was fine but psychologically I was a disaster. I knew what was happening to me. I tried to help myself. I researched online and narrowed on two areas I needed to work on.

One was not causing any trouble to the people at home. They have made a lot of adjustment for me and when they were around they made my day brighter. I enjoyed the few hours in their company especially Naomi's. She had a never ending supply of stories about her friends and classmates. Those few hours took away the darkness in me. It gave me hope. But when they were gone, there was this dark demon that gave to evil ideas. One such evil idea was to plan a mischap for Naomi like cause an accidental fall so she would twist her leg and stay home with me. When I started to planning Naomi's accident I realised how far gone I was. I made myself a promise that day that would at all cost not cause any harm to the family. I put my determination and resolve to act as normally as possible show they don't suspect anything.  

The second area I needed to work on was my suicidal thoughts. The loneliless and hollow feeling that I felt day in and day out made me feel like I should just end it all. Why suffer when there was an easy way out? The darkness whispered making it so enticing. Every minute and every second felt like an upward battle to push away the dark cloud and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

With this two resolve in mind I pressed on experimenting ways to battle depression by myself. Big mistake. I soon found solace in painkillers. The painkillers kept me drowsy slowing down my mind and giving me the calm I craved. Soon I needed more than I was prescribed  and so I tricked the family to buy me the over the counter drug. I wouldn't ask the same person in a short span of time. I always asked when they were alone and in a hurry so they didn't question me and the other person didn't know.

For about 3 months, it went on without anyone noticing until one day Rachael got suspicious. She enquired the others if they have bought medication for me recently and my secret was out. My therapist was notified and I was sent away to a psychiatric facility. I wept and begged Jessica to not send me away. At that time it felt like they were abandoning me. It felt like if I was sent away I would never come back even though everyone promised me it was only for my own good and it's only a temporary arrangement.

Initially, I didn't co-operate. I would stubbornly sat not uttering a word in my everyday mandatory session with Dr Rubin who ran the facility. He would say some inspiring story about people who with mental health issues have achieved great things to motive me to talk. For days I didn't respond but finally I came to terms with the fact that I can't continue like that. I had to make changes. I fought so hard and went through hell and back to get my independence and I was a fool to not use the opportunity I was being given. So opened up and accepted the help. I had a 2 month day and then I was released to move back with Jessica.

Being sent away, had soured the rapture that I had build with Jessica's family. They didn't trust me and I felt betrayed. After returning back, I spent all my time in my room avoiding everyone. I put all my mind on determining what I wanted to do with my life. I had to make my path, find my place in this world. It was easier said than done when I had no clue where to start. After much deliberation, I discovered that I loved to the mystery of computers and how it worked. I had watched some YouTube videos regards computer programming and it excited me. So I decided I would learn computers and find my niche in it.

I didn't have money to get enrolled in formal course. The money I got from Zoya was not enough for the course fees. So I did some research on curriculum followed by top universities and made my own syllabus. The best thing about computer science is the vast amount of information available online. With the help of the ebooks, free online lectures and numerous online helping community, I started learning.

While I made progress in the education front, my home life was suffering. There was this ever present tension and I felt like I was making their life miserable. I wanted to leave but where will I go. So, I made myself scarce and stuck to my room. Naomi has a compulsive need to make everyone like her. She went out of her way to make people like her and my avoidance drove her crazy. She somehow convinced Jessica to take us on a road trip to The Grand Canyon National Park. In the cramped up RV, there was no option of avoiding anybody. By the end of the trip, which was amazing, we had worked out our differences.

Jessica and Rachael felt guilty for not being there for me. They were as new the situation as I was. They didn't know I needed help and I didn't ask them. Noah said he blamed me for not able to bring his friends over but not anymore. He said he missed me after I was gone. I did miss him. Even though he was a few years younger than me he acted like a big brother. He pulled in a tight hug on the last night of the trip and told me he was always there for me. I apologized to Naomi. Everyday as I erected new barriers to  hide in, she tirelessly broke down every one of them. Naomi had shown me the love that I needed to keep going.

Everything was working out fine except Zach. I missed him terribly. It didn't help that he was constantly on the news as the President's son and the rookie Patriot who was talking football by storm. Zach's father won the Presidential election a few months after I moved in with Jessica and family. People loved him and he had great plans for the people and the country so there was nothing the opposition was able to do to beat him.

The popularity my case garnered made Zach the white knight and his good looks was the icing on top. Every tiny detail about his life became a popular news and when he joined the Patriots a few months back, the fan following went off the chart. He has the highest number of followers on instagram and twitter and his every post has millions of views.

Everyday watching him on TV, I realised that we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. While he was becoming a larger than life celebrity, I was struggling to pull myself together to do simple tasks. While he excelled in everything he did, I was scrambling like an headless chicken. Everyday the gap between us was growing and I felt further and further away from him.

After I left, I dreamt someday we will cross path and by then I would have become someone who could match him but seeing his rise to top made me realise that this might be the end of us. I left the book open hoping to find my way back. But foolishly I didn't consider that he might not be there waiting for me.

Author's Note

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KillJob