Pain Killer (Still Debating For Updates)

Reality

2:33 A.M.

I felt so numb. Naubos ko na siguro lahat ng luhang pwede kong malabas. Hindi ko maramdaman ang buong katawan ko except for one thing. There's something inside me na di ko kayang maipaliwanag. I felt so light. Na para bang nakalutang ako.

I just had sex. I never thought na pwede possible palang makipag sex nang walang kahit na anong emotional attachment rather than pain and self blame. I had sex to punish myself. I no longer felt like I deserve him and specially now that I even allowed myself to be where I am right now.

He's right. I'm a whore, bitch-- napabuntong hininga nalang ako ng muling marinig ang mga salita niya sa isipan ko. Atleast now he's right. I justified his accusations. I am now officially a whore.

"Kaya pa." Here I go again with my mantra. I pipe of my dried tears and gather myself up, clothing myself trying to hide how damage I am. Disgusting.

I turned the light on and looked at the person in the mirror. The stranger looked back with an empty bloodshot eyes. Sinimulan ko burahin ang ilang hiblang kalungkutan sa mukha ng estranghera until her face looked decent enough to face the world.

The man I has sex with is now in bed sleeping peacefully. Walang alam kung paano nabago nito ang buhay ko dahil sa isang halik. Not the kiss i gave him awhile ago but the kiss we had few days ago.

I climbed beside him at nilubog ko ang sarili sa tabi niya. Trying to find comfort and security na di ko na siguro pa makukuha sa taong mahal ko. He softly turned and snaked his arms around me nestling his face against the arch of my neck. I could hear his soft breathings and the warmth of his skin.

Sa sandaling iyon ko lang naramdaman kung gaano kapagod at hapo ang buo kong katawan. I let everything around me fade and fell asleep.

---- That few days ago

"Hello love!" Masigla kong bati nang sagutin ang tawag sa cellphone ko. Hearing his voice is like a stress reliever after a long day of work. Grabe sobrang stress ko na sa office.

Bago lang ako sa company at ang dami ko pang dapat matutunan. I just hired two weeks ago at sobrang na overwhelmed ako sa dami ng trabaho. Well in a good way naman. I enjoy every single day na sobrang pagod.

"How're you love? Okay ka lang ba sa bago mong trabaho?" Tanong ng kabilang linya. Sobrang swerte ko talaga sa taong to. Nasakanya na ang lahat! Rawr! Kaya nga mahal na mahal na mahal ko ang taong to. We're both on the same company but on different location. First time din naming malayo sa pamilya namin.

I remembered my first day when I was unpacking my stuffs in my new apartment. Wala akong ibang ginawa buong maghapon kundi ang umiyak lang ng umiyak. Di ko alam kong bakit. This is what I have always dreamed of. To be on my own independently. Marihap lang pala kasi wala na sina Mama at Papa everytime na kailangan ko sila. Kelangan kong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa.

"Love?" Ang boses sa kabilang linya ang nagpabalik sa akin sa kasalukuyan.

"Hala I'm sorry love may naisip lang. Yes I'm fine. May mga naging kaibigan na ako tsaka may isang tao dito na sobrang gaan kasama taga mindanao din." I updated him excitedly. Ganyan naman talaga ako I always give him updates with whats new kahit na sa maliliit na bagay.

"Mabuti naman love. Pero pag iyan lalaki wag kang masyadong pakampante!"

"Aaayyyyiiieee nag seselos ang mahal ko! Syempre naman love! Wala nang mas hihigit pa sayo! At tsaka he's like an older brother to me y'know." I assured him that Zandro is nothing but an officemate at para na ring Kuya sakin.

Two years na pala kami nitong boyfriend ko at alam ko sarili ko na siya na talaga. We met in college. Close to perfection na yung love story namin. Kilala na siya ng buong family ko tapos ako din sa pamilya niya. Walang family gathering from both sides na di namin na di kami dalawa invited. He's everything I ever wanted. Kaya sobrang mahal ko tong si Vince.