What If I

Part 6: A First for Everything

Stepping back into the Dam for the first time in nearly two weeks, Helen walks confidently across the atrium as if nothing has changed. Yet everything has. She feels less confident, she still looks a mess, and she can't stop feeling like people will judge her for her inability to stop the death of her patient. It's horrid, this gut wrenching feeling that is growing in her stomach the farther she steps into the building. Her heart pound like a deep timpani drum and her chest feels as if an elephant is sitting on it. Yet she wills herself forward, because she has work that needs to be done. Last night was her last stay at Max's apartment. She felt weird having to go to her own home for a nice work outfit for today. It was as if her home didn't quite feel as wonderful as it used too- mostly because Max and Luna were not there. There are no toys strewn across her polished cherry wood floors, or dirty dishes littering her expensive granite countertops, and there are no clothes, both dirty and clean, lying around her comfy suede sectional couch. For staying a week at Max's house, she grew to love the messy, cluttered, unorganized apartment over her clean, organized, spotless one. She enjoyed being in comfy clothes all week and lounging around with Max and Luna when she wasn't sleeping. Yet here she is, back at work, back in an outfit that looks good on but is uncomfortable to stay in all day, and feeling worse than when she was off.

She hears the silent whispers from other physicians and nurses as she walks towards the elevator. She feels their dagger stares on her unarmored body. But she continues forward, not for her own sake, but for Max's. He has done so much for her these last couple of days that she can hardly think of how to repay him for his generosity. Everything pales in comparison to his thought out breakfasts, his calming apartment, and his time spent with her. How was she to repay him for all of that? The only thing she can do is show up for work so he doesn't constantly worry about her- so he can get back to work and feel normal.

"Dr. Helen Sharpe!" Speaking of the charming devil, Max comes hustling up behind with Luna strapped to his chest and his backpack half on one shoulder. She turns around and smiles just enough for him to take notice and then she bends down to look at Luna.

"Good morning! Hi munchkin!" She give Luna a little kiss on her head and then looks at Max, who still plays off as hurt.

"Never get any love, do I?" She inwardly scoffs and they walk side by side into the elevator. "How are you feeling this morning?"

The elevator has a few nurses in it as well, so they both act detached from each other.

"Better. Thank you for asking." She simply replies and the two nurses look at each other and a third whispers something. Helen pushes her low jaw slightly to the left and wants to just scream, but holds it in. Gossip, whether good or bad- travels fast around the hospital and if you're on the other end of it, you can't help but add to the story.

"That's good. Do you know what's on the schedule today?" He asks and tries to ignore the women himself, but it's rather hard to do so when they make it obvious they are talking about Helen.

"Just the usual. Exams, biopsies- nothing special." Helen continues to face forward and the elevator opens to the second floor where she gets off and Max barely makes it out with Luna. He follows her and they enter the breezeway. It's completely empty at the moment a d Max takes advantage of it.

"There's going to be a lot of talk today. Just ignore it. Okay? It'll die down, I promise." He pulls her close and kisses her forehead. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest. "Don't hesitate to call or text me. I'll be around."

"I just hate this feeling like...like people think I actually did it. They saw me get taken into custody. They know Zeke was my patient...rumors spread like wild fire Max and I have no water to put it out." He squeezes her tight and her tiny frame feels like it could snap in half. "I don't even want to know what smart arse remark Castro is going to have for me today."