Where Do I Go From Here

1

There he goes. Back to the bar. It hasn't even hit 12:00pm yet. At least he helped me with the livestock chores before leaving this time. Yesterday mornin' I made his egg yolk too hard and he threw the glass plate at me. Left me with a black eye and cut across my cheek. I had to go out and do all the chores by myself, swollen faced, while he sat on the davenport; drinking his beer and watching the morning news. I wish mama was still here. I wish we didn't get caught that night, sneaking off through the cornfields. If it wasn't for that damn dog she'd still be alive. We'd be down in Austin.
Gary's truck spit and sputtered off down the graveled road. Chains clanging in the bed of his truck. Thank the almighty he's gone. Mama and I were too scared to run off during sunlight. This town's so small he would've been able to seen us hitchhikin' from the bar's windows. Only thing nice about Liberty Slope is that many folks come through here to get to Austin. Lots of diversity runnin' through these parts but no one seems to stay very long. I don't blame em'. Our town has some history though. She was born in the 1840's when some settlers thought this would be a great place to unwind and kick their feet back. I think they were wrong. I may just have a strong opinion about this town but I would've kept on movin'. Hell, I would've just gone down to Austin.
I don't even go to high school no more. Gary thought it woulda been a grand idea to homeschool me after my mother's suspicious passing. Suspicious to me anyways. That night he found us runnin', he didn't even beat us. It was a shock to the both of us for sure. But I know now. I know why he didn't do it. The next mornin' I woke up and they were both gone. Off doin' chores. I started to hear screamin' from the silo. Then nothing. Gary told everyone mama was shovelin' corn into the chute and that the auger was runnin' but jammed. She tried dislodgin' it, standin' over the auger and pushin' down with a PVC pipe. Then mama got caught and started to sink into the corn and suffocated. But I know it was Gary who pushed her in there to die. Nothing will ever change my mind on that. He wanted our bodies clean. No bruises, no welts, no nothin'. That way the cops didn't take one look at me and know what was truly done.
I laced up my sneakers and gave that old mutt the finger before takin' off, "Go to hell, Dover."
Whenever Gary goes to the bar I take the opportunity to run over to Susie's. She's my best friend in the whole world. Her dad is the bartender at Jerry's Saloon though he's not a good-for-nothin' dad like mine. He treats Susie like his princess. The only time Gary was ever good to me was before I turned 13. We would race each other to see who could milk the cattle faster. He would tell me old cowboy stories before fallin' asleep at night. The best thing he's ever done for me is teach me how to play the guitar. But this was all before my brother passed away. Mama got pregnant and carried him for 9 months. However, he was a still birth. Gary blamed my mother; he told her she made the lord mad and that's why what happened happened. I think the lord is a bunch of bullshit.
    "Birdie!" Susie shouts from her window. She always sees me comin'. I'm thinkin' she does a lot of daydreamin' out that window of Carter Ipsom. That kid is stuck in the 70s. Always talkin' about grass and how The Beatles were the greatest thing to happen to America. The Beatles ain't even from America! I wasn't a fan. I loved Linda Rhonstadt, The Eagles, Janis Joplin, and the one and only Jimi Hendrix. I would give my soul to Hendrix if that meant he'd be brought back from the dead. Maybe he could save me from Gary.
    "How's it hangin'," Susie chirps.
    "At this point I wish I was hangin' myself."
    "Now don't say that, Birdie."
    "You know nothin', Susie. I would kill for a dad like yours."
    "If I could give you my dad I would. We could adopt you. But he don't believe nothin' I say about your dad."
    "Gary."
    "Sorry. Gary. I forget sometimes. He thinks you're just makin' stuff up because you're so down about your mama."
    "What about my damn face, Susie?"
    "Gary told em' the horse kicked ya when you was cleanin' his hooves."
    My eyes swell and my throat feels like a clamp getting tighter and tighter. Nobody in this town is in their right mind. Maybe they all know. Maybe no one cares. I fight back my tears, looking out the window so Susie won't notice. I hate showin' my tears. I was taught not to. Only soft city folk cry and we're not soft city folk.
    "I'm glad you stopped by, Birdie, but Carter asked me out on a date yesterday in school. He should be here any minute now," Susie was full of joy. She always was. That's one of the things that's different about us now. I ain't got no joy. I look at her with pursed lips and simply nod. I walked down the wooden staircase, head hung. Everything sucks. Suddenly I'm shoulder checked so abruptly I lose my footing on the last step and fall onto my bottom, smacking my head in the process.
    "Oh my! Birdie I'm so sorry! I didn't see ya comin' down them steps and I was just in such a rush to see -," the words fumbled out of Carters mouth.
    "Well look where you're fuckin' goin' next time," I snap, rubbing on the back of my head. Damn that hurt.
    "Wow. That horse really did mess you up. Susie told me all about it! I don't trust no horses."
    "Susie told you what?"
    "The horse got you good. Kicked ya yesterday while you was cleanin' his hooves."
    Not even my best friend believes me. Am I crazy? Is this town, are these people, all just a delusion?
    I nod my head, "I guess you could say so."
    As soon as I got out of that house I booked it. I ran as fast as I could. Made me feel like I was alive. Like I really was somebody. Upon getting home I kicked my sneakers off and slouched myself into the polypropylene sofa. Matted and ripped up from when Dover was a pup. He was a terrorizer. Nipped at the horses' ankles, the cattle's tails, killed all our damn chickens even one summer. I never liked em' and he knew it for damn sure. Dogs can sense things like that. Some days I would be nice to him and actually offer to give him a lil' lovin' and pet his head but the brute would just snarl at me. Like owner like dog I guess. He was a huntin' dog too. Gary used to take him huntin' as a pup. Was good at it too, after all he is a Coonhound. But Gary don't trust himself huntin' no more after he killed his best friend, Byford, in a huntin' accident. Gary seems to have a lot of 'accidents' with his close ones and death. I'm wonderin' when I'm goin' be next.
    Here he comes. A few hours passed. I was busy practicin' with my guitar. Learning some Rhonstadt songs that mama used to love. She was like a cover artist for the most part, but her adaptations of the music was wonderful. Mama used to love my singin' voice. We would go down by the river and dip our toes in the water just to sing our hearts out together. Nothin' else mattered in the world in those moments. Just me and my mama.
    "I don't smell any food cookin'!" Gary bellows from the base of the steps. Oh fuck. I was too busy daydreamin' of the past and playin' that I totally forgot to have dinner ready for that bloke.
    "I'm sorry, daddy! I was just-"
    "You was just what? Sittin' around like a fat pig? What the hell is wrong with you!"
    "I'll cook up some chicken and pota-"
    Smack!
    That one felt like my jaw damn near cracked.
    "You act like you's still 6 years old not knowin' how to make nothin'. Bernadette you are 17! Nancy taught you how to cook since you was 8!"
    Smack!
    "Just as bad as your mother. Never gettin' anythin' done on time or right. You'd think the devil had your souls," he scoffed.
    Gary didn't let me make supper after that. He told me I was lucky because he already ate at the bar. He told me he don't want me poisonin' him. I wish I had the guts to do that. Before bed I got his sheets out of the wash and made his bed for em', fed Dover, and fed the animals. I wanted to just go lay with the pigs. Let them rip my body apart and trample over me. But I couldn't do that to mama. I have to get through this. I will get through this.