To All The Boys Who Should've Loved Me

Dear Monster House Man...

I don't know how you've managed to cause me so much turmoil even now when I don't love you anymore.

I remember locking eyes. You called dibs in front your brothers and jokingly staked your claim. Who knows what attracted you to me. My wit, my smile, the glint of danger in my eyes. I disregarded it because I was with someone else. I never would've guessed what would've come to fruition.

My summer love didn't survive the chill of winter and you seemed to be the only thing in bloom. I came to you one biting night and you waited with a smile. I hate that fucking smile. Perfect. Mischievous and sweet all at once. I liked the charm of your idiocy and the actual intelligence underneath. You looked me in the eyes and promised, "I'm different".

You were.

The next months I practically lived with you. Coming home meant coming to you. I was always thrilled to see you and lie in the comfort of your arms. I found solace in our mutual brokenness because it finally felt like I was healing. You were good for me. You reigned in my fire and still made me feel more alive than I'd been before.

I was thrilled to be yours. To be greeted with a kiss that tasted like Jack Daniels Honey and starry nights. We'd sit with our beers on your porch and watch the sky pour around us. I'd watch our breath create little puffs against the cold and quickly dissipate against the dark blanket of night. I loved these moments. Waking up at daybreak and watching the sun splay across the room through your blinds.

But you changed. There was shift. Things were too good and you couldn't have that could you?

All it took was one drunken night. One door you obliterated. Two holes you punched into the wall. One balcony you screamed at me on. One hands wrapped around my throat and one handprint staining my skin with a bruise. I wasn't good enough. I was horrible. I was the problem. A bitch.

I just didn't want you to drive.

I'd seen you drunk. But I hadn't seen your temper. The rage you carried with that constantly simmered under the surface. That danger in your eyes was rebellious it was pure rage. You took away my time and sense of self worth. You made agonize over your actions by sleeping with my friends and roping me into arguments over and over which always inevitably led to what you really wanted from me because now i was terrified to say no.

I was just a body to you and I allowed myself to be used by you.

I wish more than anything I didn't stay up with you that night. That I didn't reply to your message. But maybe then I wouldn't know what monsters look like. They look like men. They look like you. They smile they charm you they ruin you.

I loved you with everything I could. I wanted to make all the broken parts whole. I tried to do so by damaging myself along the way. Time has passed and I've rebuilt myself into something more. You will never have the power to shake my foundation again.