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The water struck the cliff and Jamie closed his eyes against the spray. He sat on the edge, legs dangling with his heels occasionally tapping against the rock. His hands were on his lap and at moments he would look down at them, moving his fingers. They felt heavy to him, as if bound by something invisible and he had to look away again before he lost himself.
It had taken three of them to drag him out of the ballet studio, unable to see friend from foe as he clawed and snapped any hands that touched him. He had dived back for the torn body over and over, snarling to finally take the head from the shoulders and sitting on the cliff's edge now, Jamie couldn't even remember if he had succeeded.
There was something in his chest, turning unpleasantly and Jamie felt so incredibly human again. He wondered if Susanna would be proud of him. Would she have found satisfaction in the destruction of their murderer? Or would she have been horrified? He knew that it didn't matter, because it was only him now. She was gone for good and perhaps he had finally accepted that.
Once away from the creature, away from the room and the mirrors and the blood, Jamie had let loose a wail into the night. It held all of the agony and suffering within him. Emmett, Alice and Jasper, standing around him in a tight circle of strength, had all looked away. They had let him calm himself, kneeling on the pavement of a remote back alley and staring up at the black sky.
His silence was as bad as his howl when they made their way back to Forks. Carlisle didn't meet them for the journey, making sure that the girl who Jamie had learnt was a soul named Bella, was being safely looked after in hospital. They had hunted in the desert, feeding on coyotes.
Watching the water below his feet, Jamie knew that he was avoiding the family. Unable to bear Esme's gentle worry and the wariness of the rest. He had even treated Carlisle like the plague when he returned, spending his time in the forest and mountains. Some days he would just sit still for hours and let the falling leaves cover him . In the end, he thought, noting much matters. I have proved myself to be nothing but the same as all the other killers out there.
He had lost something within himself in that room, a right to set himself apart from those he had spent his life trying to catch. Where he had once only been cracking on the inside, he now felt as if a flick would send him shattering to the ground.
Something moved softly behind him and Jamie had to close his eyes as Carlisle settled himself beside him, legs swinging over the edge beside his own. "You hide yourself well, it took me a while to find you," the voice was as tender as ever and Jamie turned his head away.
"I'm glad that you decided to stay with us," Carlisle said. The waves crashed louder and far off the clouds gathered rain. "It's nice for you to be back."
Jamie still didn't move. "Is it?" he asked bitterly.
"Yes," Carlisle replied. Jamie looked at him finally and the earnestness in those eyes closed his throat. Carlisle must have seen in it in face as he always would, and reached out slowly to squeeze his shoulder. The touch was kind and Jamie only wished that he could feel human warmth within it.
"I'm sorry," he whispered and his voice sounded wet. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't," Carlisle said gently. "You don't need to be. None of it was your fault."
In a heavy gesture, Jamie lifted his hand to hold onto Carlisle's extended arm, fisting his sleeve at the elbow and clinging to it as if it was the only thing keeping him to the ground. They sat like that for a while and let themselves sway with the wind.
"It seems a lifetime ago now, being in that town trying to do my job," Jamie said when he felt capable of getting the words out. "I don't even remember it as myself."
"Memories can fade," Carlisle answered. "Sometimes it's best to keep them, sometimes it's best to forget."
Jamie loosened his hand, but not enough to let it fall. "You must've thought I was an idiot, sitting in that meeting room and talking about clinical vampirism."
"No. Actually, I thought you were the cleverest one in there."
Jamie glanced at him, surprised by the quick truth and he let it sit in the air between them for a while. "You know, I hated you the first time we met," he said to return the favour.
Carlisle grimaced and looked out to the waves. "I know. Do you still?"
Jamie looked at him, seeing that he seemed stiff about the question. "I think that hate is too strong of a word," he said after thinking about it. When Carlisle turned his head, Jamie tried to smile at him. Appreciating the effort, Carlisle smiled back and they let go of one another.
Carlisle stood up slowly and dusted himself off, standing and looking at the bleak horizon before holding out a hand to help Jamie up. Jamie took it and when he was on his feet, he too brushed the dirt from his trousers.
They stood for a moment before Carlisle turned back towards the forest, stepping over mossy rock. He glanced at Jamie and waited for him.
"Come on," he urged and with one last look to the ocean, Jamie followed.
