stay with me // horan

prolouge

- niall -

We all filed into the large room. You look around and practically everyone is wearing black and crying. We filled the benches one-by-one. Quiet whispers and cries we're sounded throughout the room as everyone mourned for their lost loved one. As for me, I was numb. I felt as if I couldn't talk, move, or basically do anything. I just sat there staring out at the distance. I haven't really cried that much throughout this process, the only time I've cried was the day she passed. Besides that, I've just felt pain. The silent pain, the one that hurts the most. The pain where you feel hurt so much that it's as if you're aren't even living.

The eulogist came through the stain glass door through the front. We had a moment of silence at the beginning in memory of her. He spoke verses from the bible and then it was time for everyone to give their speeches. First, her dad went up. The whole time he was trying to hold back tears as he looked at his daughters picture next to the casket. Then, her mom went up. She broke down into sobs within the first few seconds. Next, her older brother went up. A few tears came down his cheeks about halfway through his speech while he was talking about the childhood memories they shared.

Finally, it was my turn. I slowly stood up and walked towards the podium directly next to her casket. The picture was framed next towards the casket, god she was beautiful. Her long, soft, brown, wavy hair, emerald green eyes, and gorgeous smile. Her smile is so bright, it illuminated the room She looked so happy in this picture. Let me tell you, her beauty can captivate you.

I turned my focus back to the audience and pulled out the folded piece of lined paper from my suit pocket and cleared my throat. I stared at the paper and immediately put it back in my pocket.

"Adelaine was my first true love. Her beauty brightened up the room. Her sarcastic tone and wittiness always made me smile. You noticed she always had a positive outlook on everything, even during the most difficult of times. She was such a strong person, hence why I would call her my little warrior. Adelaine battled for a good year, it was a tough battle too. I was there everyday with her. I can't tell you she deffinetly had some down days, but she always continued to have a smile", I said.

I looked around to see almost everyone in the audience crying, especially her mom.

"I miss her, so much. It breaks me to have to go home to an empty house every day. Having a reminder of all of her things. It hurts like hell to know she's gone. But I know, one day we'll be reunited again. We will be happy together up in heaven. Adelaine Marie Johnson, I love you", I said.

I then walked off the stage and went back to my seat. The eulogist ended off the ceremony with one last prayer, then we were able to go up and see her. I was the last person in line to say goodbye to Adlaine. It was an open casket, so you can actually see her for one last time and place things in the casket if you'd like.

Finally after a half an hour, it was my turn to say my final words to her. The church was empty since everyone had already spoken. I slowly made my way up to where she was resting, I was very timid at the thought of seeing her again. I stood next to the casket, and there she was. The most stunning human being I've ever laid eyes on. Although she was pale, cold, and basically lifeless, she was still so beautiful.

I grabbed her hand and kissed it like I used to do. Her skin was extremely cold against my lips. I smiled as I saw my beautiful angel laying there, so peacefully.

"Hi princess", is what I started off with.
"I miss you, everyday. So does Charlie", I thought to myself thinking of the poor dog who lost his owner.
"It's really hard without you there, you know? Constant reminders of you lay throughout the house, such as your thousand beauty products sitting on the bathroom sink", I smiled.
"I love you, so, so, so much Adelaine. I remeber within your final week of living you told me that when you pass that I need to move on and live a happy life with a lucky girl. But I just can't do that, you're the only girl I ever and will love", I said wiping a tear.
"Well, the burial is coming up soon, so I have to get going. Adelaine, I hope your happy up there with all the other angels. I promise one day I'll be there with you again. I love you so much", I said.

I got up from the slouched position I was in and walked closer towards her face. I kissed her cold, pale forehead. I pulled out the heart shaped necklace that had been in my pocket the whole time. It was the necklace I gave to her on our one year anniversary. I'm surprised she kept this the whole time. I chained it around her neck and also placed a picture of her and I in the casket.

"Goodbye princess", by now i had multiple tears streaming down my cheeks.

I made my way out the door and immediantly headed straight to my car. Instantly when I closed my car door a wave of pain/heartbrake hit me. i couldn't stop crying. Throughout this whole process I've only cried three times: when Adelaine told me she was diagnosed, when the doctors gave me the news of her passing. And now. Knowing that was the last time I would see her in person ever again kills me. Knowing that I'll have to always refer to pictures to see her just breaks me into a million pieces.

I stayed in my car for about a good thirty minutes until I finally managed to get out and make my way to the burial. I arrived just in time as they were lowering her casket into the ground. This only made me cry even more. Her family and friends then proceeded to throw roses on her grave when the ceremony was over. I was the last one to leave, of course this time I didn't say anything to her. I just sat next to her grave crying histerically.

........................................................................................

I finally made it home to our apartment. I felt very drowsy and just overall tired. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror: puffy, red eyes, messed up hair, overall I just looked plain horrible. I noticed the bathroom counter top was still cluttered with makeup/beauty products. Reminded me of every morining I would tell her she's beautiful without all the makeup and she would just roll her eyes. 

Then I walked into the bedroom. Countless nights cuddling and watching movies together. Watching the dew drops on the window when it was raining. Singing to her when she was sad. Romantic evenings. All of these memories flooded my mind as I walked throughout the room. I opened her favorite jewelry box that was passed down from her great grandmother. I opened it and saw all of the familiar pieces of jewelry she used to wear. I walked over to her side of the bed and saw her favorite book that she always read. I looked at old pictures of us, which just made me cry even more.

I ended up falling asleep in the big bed we used to share, but now it's just empty.