Weightless

“Adults are so damaged” is the only judgement i have ever heard come out of the very diplomatic and slightly perfect Dr. Martins mouth. Dr. Martins being one of the only psychologists throughout all my visits in hospitals, rehabilitation centers and residences to keep his professional ego and still obtain a mildly personal relationship with the greatly disturbed and hardly ever lucid Lucy Montoya. Dr. Martin here, had worked up his way to lose his professional ego and let loose of the ‘mild’ in mildly and told me that adults were damaged in a tremery. but strangely comforting tone. As those words slipped off his tongue and into thin air he seemed to lack the idea of the fact that those words could have saved or destroyed me. This for one seems to be the only thing i have ever known Dr. Martin to lack. As those words came out, i took them right in and could feel a weight off my shoulders. With this incredible sensation i could hear a whisper letting me know that Dr. Martins felt it too.

“We all have these emotions and crap that we’re dealing with. We all are same in ways it may take a lifetime for a lot of people to realize. Perhaps that’s the key to world peace, you know? So many inspirational speakers and celebrities display their motivation to convince people that we’re all unique as shit, which is great, but i think if those same celebrities and freaking Oprah Winfrey's channeled all this talk about being unique and “original” and maybe talked about the many ways we are all the freaking same then i think people might be a little less fucked up. I think a mass murderer might think twice before shooting up a movie theater and i think a brutal third world country politician might think twice before sentencing a poor mother of three children to death for something vastly anti-feminist.”

 

I put down my pencil and stared at my sheet of looseleaf filled with the ideas of a lifetime and no willpower to give in the damn paper to my history teacher. I hate homework, but not for the same reason an average high school student would hate homework. I hate homework because i hate being right. It’s such anxiety, especially with thought provoking homework like this. Is there even a right? I’m probably just an idiot who thinks most of the fucking people in the world are just a bunch of drones following other drones who happen to have more money and power. I hate homework.

 

I sit up and as i try to stand up from my bed i trip because my foot fell asleep and i felt that feeling that is nearly impossible to describe. I felt like how the tv looks when something is fucked up with it. That black and white sparkly thing. Yeah, i don’t know. I drag myself up and go into the living room to take my drugs (also known as crazy pills, can’t fucking function pills and antidepressants) mixed with a small dosage of antipsychotic, which is suppose to help the anti-depressant help me function which is all so ironic isn’t it? I look around and see my mom laying on the couch reading her Gita which is basically the hindu bible.

 

“Mom, can i take my meds?” My mom looks up at me and i can tell she is frustrated. Not only because i disturbed her from her praying time, but because of a whole bunch of other little things that have ticked her off about me ever since she got home. I left a sock on the floor which to her is the epitome of disaster. Let’s not forget about how i myself got home too late to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw. That is clearly some end of the world shit right there. “Can’t you see I’m praying???”, she yells loud enough and makes a face frustrated enough for me to know that my hypothesis was indeed correct.

“Well, i mean it’s already 9pm…”

“You always disturb me when i’m praying, can’t i at least do one thing in peace?”

“Sorry ma, i won’t disturb you after i get my meds.”

“Did you do your homework?”

“I’m doing it right now”

“Are you sure, or are you on facebook talking to boys???”

“What...no.”

“I want the laptop at 9:45 and you better finish your homework, i will call up your teachers and make sure you're up to date with all your work.”

“Uh okay”

“And when you’re done clean the dishes and don’t take anything out of the cabinet to eat later, you’re getting very fat, i’m going to complain to your doctor.”

“Okay, thanks for the reminder.”

 

She said more, but i just walked away and kind of zoned her out. I felt my body weakening and i wanted to plop on my bed and really do nothing. The motivation had not only left my mind. but left my body too. There was nothing mind over matter could do. I was done for the night, but when the storm that came so very frequently to me hit, i truly felt that i was done for a lifetime.