Roses Always Die

~The Fire Cackles~

I've always thought that finding a boyfriend would be easy— god was I wrong. Turns out finding someone that is similar to you is near impossible, at least for me.
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Right when I was at the turning age of 12 is when I noticed something was off about me. No- I'm not disabled. I just don't attract many people.. Like at all. My mom had told me that I was just too young and when you get older the boys will fall head over heels for you. That obviously was wrong. Actually, I don't even think my mom was prepared for my dating life. Middle school was rough for me. The popular girls always taunting me while the jock and cool boys hung around them and the other cliques never payed any attention to me. I made a huge mistake one time by trying to join a clique. Turns out nobody wanted 'hormone repeller' in their group, so I guess you could've called me a loner. An outcast of sorts. I never really cared, though. As long as nobody physically hurt me- I was fine. Everything seemed like it would get better— or at least that's what I kept telling myself. High school will be better! Is the classic sentence that repeated like a broken record in my head. I had to chase out some depressing thoughts occasionally. I never really thought much of what was really going on around me since I stayed in my zone and my headspace so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else. High school was a rude awakening, let me tell you. As soon as I could see the look in my moms eyes that even she didn't have hope in me- I lost it. I even started wearing a lot more crop tops and ripped jeans even to attract the voice cracking guys. Nothing. I gave up and wore baggy clothing. Sweatshirt and sweatpants was easier to plan anyway. Not even the weird kids are into me, how bad is that? Oh well. My teachers never really called on me and if I could retain a good grade all year then I was set. Zone out in every class and draw, sounds like a good plan to me! Once my freshman year was out of the way I figured it's never to late to try again, so I hit the salon and tried to transform like all the other girls did in the Summer. Got bangs, new style, and even a new pencil set. Cool. I was actually impressed with myself, though I never really got into the whole makeup thing. Not my style. Anyway, I guess all the other kids thought it was a good idea to completely change the 'in' style over the Summer. I don't have social media- if you're wondering. I find it to be a waste of time a stress keeping up on social life. Would that help me get a boyfriend? I don't think it matters. My math teacher today told us to get problems 23-45 done for homework. I was never thought to be a smart kid but I did have some intelligence. I guess reading in my room all night wasn't the best idea. Mom yelled at me for not doing my homework last night so I grabbed my coffee and left for school. Guess reading is a bad idea, even though teachers encourage it. I'll never understand those people. The goths looked over at me and Tsk Tsk ed me as I walked past them to get to my laptop. I was afraid they'd kill me if I touched them so I slipped around them like a mouse. I walked to class as normal and felt the need to hide my face all the way there. First period went as usual, the few kids sleeping, the teachers pet snarling at all the rest of us for not listening, and some of us who were in our own worlds. High school really isn't all the TV shows make it out to be. It's all boring and homework. Rinse and Repeat. I feel bad for my social studies teacher. She gets mentally bullied every day for picking the job she picked. Mrs. Kepler isn't the most strong-willed teacher out there. The years went by super slow, but the same. Nothing really fun happened- no important events, nothing. Over the Summer between each grade I just read some books and watched Netflix, nothing much. Graduation day came; a literal disaster. Having stage fright is really not the ideal situation when going in front of every class in your school, getting a diploma, and giving a speech. Luckily I wasn't chosen to give a speech so that was about the only good thing I could think about this whole time. It seemed like years until it was my turn to go up. I bit my bottom lip. I could feel the tears starting to well up, but I held them back. Calm down. It's just graduation. I had to keep telling myself that. It's gonna be okay. Nothing bad happened to me— no tripping, falling, stammering, nothing. What a surprise! I normally would've fallen at on my face for something like this. I guess in the back of my mind I knew my parents were watching so I tried super hard. I think it showed how badly I wanted to cry. Oh well, not like I'm ever gonna see them again. I was ready to get as far away as possible from this school. I wanted to live in Arizona actually, has some nice collages.