I'm a second born.
I used to not having the attentions on me - because I am not the eldest and I am not the youngest.
That's why I always strive hard with my school performances, house choirs and other stuffs in order to be praised.
To be noticed.
As I grew older, that attitude became a big part of who I am today:
I do things on my own, without asking for help,
I research,
I invent,
I learn every single day.
I take good care of everyone even if they don't ask me to, because I know the feeling of what it feels like of having no help.
These makes me look like a meddler most of the time, bossy to the envious, trying hard to the weak and not enough to the parasites.
Sometimes, no matter how cool and strong I want myself to look at from the point of view of others, there will always comes a point where the true me shows.
Weak.
Where I can only admit if I am alone, all by my own.
I laugh out loud, but then there is sadness in the dark.
Talks a lot of witty wisdoms to others, but then there is self blaming before sleep.
Confidence and feisty towards colleagues, but then there is anxiety when my eyes are closed.
There are a lot of hopes that always haunts me every now and then that are starting to turn into wishes:
How I wish someone could ask me also
"How are you?",
"How was your day?"
How I long for a conversation that the topic is all about what I love, not theirs?
How I yearn to cry and let all out without judgement?
Will there be a chance when I could be myself?
I take good care of everyone, needs and wants - as a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and the list goes on.... will I ever be taken care of?
Am I enough?
But then, I still choses to move on.
To be strong.
But sometimes, it's just so hard not to say,
"I'm tired".
