I Want Your Heaven and Your Oceans Too

Water Under the Bridge

"Stef, don't flip out, okay. Trust me, this comes from a place of absolute love but---what the fuck are you doing?"

Natali stares at her as if she's absolutely lost her damn mind. Her eyes are wide, almost comically so and she would have laughed if her sister's tone wasn't so serious. She'd even put down a forkful of pasta without taking a single bite—a clear indicator that she wasn't playing.

Stefani sighs, pushing her own plate aside and curls her knees up to her chin. "I'm eating," she replies. A calm answer is the best answer with Natali.

"Mhmm," Natali shoves her chair closer so that there is little space between them. Nowhere to run.

"Hey, Nat? This tables seats, like, fourteen people, so maybe you could---"

"Uh-uh," she declines. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on, Stefani Angelina Joanne."

"Okay, Mom."

"Oh, consider yourself blessed I'm not," Natali retorts, crossing her arms. "She sees through this bullshit too, but she'd never say so. She just wants you to be happy. Me? I do too but this isn't it, Stef."

"You gotta be clearer than that because I don't know what you're talking about."

Undeterred, Natali plucks her phone from her back pocket and fiddles with it for a minute before shoving it under Stefani's nose. "Three pictures in like, what? Two weeks?"

Slowly, she shrugs, feigning ignorance. "And your point is..."

Natali rolls her eyes. "Stef, you forget, I know you. He's nice and no one can deny that. A really, really nice guy. But there's nothing there. I don't even have to say it, do I?"

Her eyes shift and she looks away, at the tabletop, out the window, anywhere but Natali's face, which isn't smug or knowing. Her expression is one of sadness. She feels bad over the blatant display and that is worse than any "I told you so" could ever be.

"We're having fun," she hopes her indifference is enough but in her heart of hearts, she knows Natali won't buy it. "Is that such a crime?"

"Having fun is one thing," Natali remarks, "but this is "selling" it. Who are you selling it to, exactly, Stefani? Your little monsters? Yourself?"

Stefani flinches and immediately, Natali's holding her hand, giving it a gentle, apologetic squeeze. "That was harsh and I'm sorry. I love you."

"I know."

"I just don't want you to set yourself up to get hurt. And you don't want to hurt anyone else, I know that."

"I needed to move on," she says by way of explanation. The tears threaten to rise as they always do when she thinks of the past. "I guess those pictures are a reminder to myself."

"A reminder to yourself or to him?" Natali's questions are tender this time and she rubs her forearm lightly. "He knows about Michael?"

"Oh, he knows. The last time we spoke was a few weeks ago, but it was only a quick text and he told me I looked happy. That was it. I replied but he hasn't."

Anguished, she sinks into the soft confines of her sweater, pulling her arms up into the sleeves. "It's my fault."

Her sentence is muffled, and her sister touches her shoulder. "What?"