Just a Freak

1| Worrying

I don't know why, I wished I would know but I couldn't even guess the reason behind Iceland's behavior lately. He has been acting tired, exhausted almost. His movements got slower and lazier like he just didn't care anymore about anything. It hurts me to see him like that, to notice the sadness in his eyes and since I couldn't stand seeing my little brother so hurt I decided to ask him about it. I know he is probably annoyed of me for always asking him to call me „big brother" but I just miss getting called that by him. When he was younger he used to always call me that nickname and I miss it, it made me feel really happy inside and forget everything but while he grew up he gradually stopped doign so. First I just wondered and asked why to which he explained that he had grown up and is too old to call me by that „embarrassing" name which had already got me worried but I played it off.

Now I couldn't play off my fear for him. Today in the morning, when I confronted him rather harshly because I hadn't had enough coffee yet he threw a bowl of cereal into my face then stormed into his room and locked me out. Afterwards he only came out his bedroom to go to the bathroom or get food but he didn't even look at us, ignored us. Of course the others and I have been sick all day and Finland even tried to get inside and talk with Iceland about what was wrong but he got blocked out by my brother. In the evening, even when my family told me to not do it, I walked up to his room, worry overflowing my mind as I tried to open his door, surprised that it wasn't locked. Maybe he forgot to..

"Go away!" I heard him command but I didn't listen and walked up to him, refusing to leave him which made him cover his head with a pillow. I sighed as I sat down beside him on the edge of the bed. When I put my hand on his shoulder, just wanting to comfort him, I was actually shocked to feel his body tense underneath my touch as he flinched away without even saying one word. I wouldn't force him into talking but if he decides to completely shut off I wouldn't mind getting Finland to talk to him and try to make him feel better. He didn't respond to anything I did, he didn't even notice it when I pulled my hand back since it wasn't laying ontop of him which made it pravtically useless for now. That made me worry more but I kept it down, actually feeling really guilty that moment for always reminding him to call me big brother even when he told me he didn't want to. I just wonder who he talked about when he told some Einar to fuck off that morning..

"I'm not going to ask if you are ok because you aren't. Don't lie to us. Don't lie to yourself, Ice" I finally broke the uncomfortable silence and made him sink even deeper into his covers with that. Maybe I was too harsh..? I just hoped I am not. For around a minute he seemed to think before he finally apologized for throwing his breakfast at me. I smiled slightly which he couldn't see and huffed, relieved that he had finally replied to what I said.

"It's alright. We've all been through a lot in our lives so it's understandable." I told him and noticed how he flinched at the word „lives" but didn't question it, keeping my worry to myself. Without thinking twice I pulled the covers off of Iceland's body, making him shake since he probably got hit by the low temperature in his room. Why was it so cold here anyway? He didn't even leave the window open so I wondered how.

"Talk to me" I commanded, just wanting him to trust me and talk to me about his problems. Maybe I was a bit too forward and strict when I said that..? I didn't want to scare him away but I also didn't want him to just keep everything inside until he bursts, I couldn't let that happen. In my case it was the worst I have ever felt, it made me become who I am now; a nation.

"No." Of course he wouldn't talk to me that easily so I had to think of another plan. When I saw Hanatamago deviding to sit on his lap an idea came to my mind.

"If I leave you for tonight you have to promise to talk to me or Finland in the morning. No ifs-ands-or-buts. Got it?" I suggested, my worry showing a bit through my voice but my face didn't betray how hurt I was that Emil didn't trust me.

"Sure." That reply made me sigh almost happily as I nodded. I knew he just wanted me to finally leave him alone and even when I wanted to stay with him I got up and walked over to his door, looking back one last time before I walked out and closed it behind me quietly, trying to not make loud noises because the others were probably asleep by now.

After I finally arrived in my own room I looked down, feeling the worry and pain caused by Iceland take over as I slid down to the cold floor slowly, curling up there. Why wasn't my own brother trusting me? After all the time we had spent together he still couldn't. Was I that horrible? Am I such a bad sibling for him that he would rather keep everything buckled up inside until he can't take it anymore than talk to me, the person he should actually trust the most, about his problem?

I hugged my knees thightly, trying to keep my tears in but it hurt so much to know that Iceland probably didn't see me as a brother, nor a family member that I couldn't hide them for very long. Maybe he did? Maybe he was just acting and maybe he is constantly annoyed by me and my "Call me big brother"?

"Why can't I be a better brother for you..? Just what do I have to do so you can trust me..?" I asked into thin air my vouce shaking while being muted by my knees.

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Author's note:
Heyo! I hope you liked the first chapter of this fanfiction ^^
Again, sorry for any mistakes! Tell me and I'll change it immediately!

Check out Justanotheraphnordic 's story "No one loves you..." to read about Icey's POV!

Thank you for reading!