Fated

Don't care about all the pain in front of me

Sometimes in life things don't go as we want them to.

Somestimes we need to let people go, we would rather see staying. But that's the circle of life. We don't get to decide who goes, and who stay. We however decides if we wanna stay in some peoples life, or not. Sometimes we pull away because we are scared, or because we hurt. Right now I'm pulling away because I already am hurting, and can't handle anymore hurt. I don't think it's fair to let go of three really close people, in about 8 months. Whenever I see or hear someone talking about their gandma or grandpa and they are saying nice things to each other, I always wonder what I could have said. What I could have done. How I feel. But it's not always we get to say the things we want to say. Like "Grandma, always remember I love you. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, and I'm proud of you." I wish I could have told her, showed her how much I love her. I wish it wasn't too late. I'm at that place in my life - have been for a while - where I am 100% sure that everything would be better if I wasn't here. My parents wouldn't have as many probkem, and my family would have more money. They wouldn't have someone to ruin their day everyday.

It's really funny to think about how much people have in their backpack. How much they have been through. How much they are struggeling with letting go. When my grandpa died I wrote this poem thingy where I tried to focuse on all the good things I had with my grandpa. All the good way they made me who I am.

It goes like this:

"I'm afraid to love. No.. I'm afraid to get hurt by the one I love. I had four superheroes. Now I only have two. The first superhero to die was my fathers father. He was like this pirate for me. He worked on ships and stuff. He was pretty old, and it's five years ago. But I can still remember him. I can still I feel him inside. People are pushers, we all push people away. And when we love someone, and we know it's their time to go, we push them away. The pain is too much. See, it hurts so bad to push people away you just want to have around the rest if your life. But my first hero died five yours ago. The day before his birthday. He was crazy, that's where I have it from. The crazy personality and the hope of happiness. The second hero just left me. It means two out of four, half of my heros. I wasn't ready. He was my superman, he could do anything! He tough me the joy in life. He was my music-man. Ever since I was I little girl he had played all sorts of instruments. Mostly piano. Be thought me to play some songs. To see my hero smile like that, see how happy the music made him. I knew that when the music flowed in him, he felt free. He played the oldest funniest songs, made me mix tapes, danced with my. He was my idol. He was my superman. He played with me in the garden, he build things with me, learned me to see the little things in life. Learned me to be patient and wait for the flowers bloom. Learned me to live life dangerous and never give in. But even superheroes can't avoid cancer. Even superheroes give up. "

One of the things i regret the most, is not spending enough time with them. Not just with them, but with the people I love. The people I push away. Honesty 101: I hardly have any friends. I mean sure, I talk to people in school. Sure, I text with people from other contries. But like real friends. That can hug you, hold you tight. I mean the people I have got to know over the intetnet, are the most amazing people, and some of my completely best friends. But I hardly ever tell them about my personal life. A lot of them don't even know my grandma passed away, and that is tomorrow three weeks ago. 

Yesterday I tried to see if I were in the friendzone with the guy I like. I was so terrifyed, I hardly even send the message. I am just afraid of people. It's almost as bad as my fear for needles. Almost as bad as my fear for my dad. And thoes fears, are really hard to beat.