10 days to christmas | haruto

day zero

bevee

it was raining, and i was sitting somewhere in a coffee shop near hongdae. outside there was barely any people. no traffic, no sidelong glances. it was peaceful. only a cup of coffee accompany me, plus mistletoe by justin bieber playing in the background. it's december 14, so christmas songs on various shops is a common occurrence now.

there aren't much people in here. probably four to five people. i don't intend on staying long, in fact, i plan to leave as soon as the rain stops. but that doesn't look like it'll happen anytime soon.
i lean against my chair as i try and let the christmas atmosphere seep in. november has been a really stressful month for me and i'm quite relieved that december has way less stress to offer so far.

as i take a sip of my coffee, my eyes darted outside the window and across the street. i squint my eyes and i put down my mug as i saw a familiar silhouette approaching the coffee shop. i couldn't know for sure since i didn't have my contacts on but i felt my body stiffen. shoot. i just can't catch i break, can i?

i quickly scanned my pocket for my phone as i pretend to be on it in case it was really him. please, let it not be him. please.

"hey, bivs."

oh no. damn you, universe.

i cursed under my breath as i prepare for the worst. i put my phone down and faced him.

"oh, it's you! what's up, ruto?" i said, trying so hard to fake a happy tone.

i felt like my eyes froze for a second looking at his face, like i just couldn't look away. it's him. it's haruto. my schoolmate, my bestfriend since childhood and.. my crush. who apparently i am not pumped up to see. it's been weeks of successfuly avoiding him and he just comes in here to ruin the streak. not cool, dude.

he didn't answer. he didn't even smile. instead he pulled the chair infront of me and sat down and let out the biggest sight. crap. why is he like this? he's making me nervous.

"are you with gwen?" i asked to break the awkward silence. and yuck, even her name tastes bitter in my mouth.

"no," he lightly shook his head. "i actually came here to see you."

to see me? why? what is this about? i feel like my heart is literally gonna jump out of my chest. does he know? is our friendship over now? crap. my heart just dropped to my stomach.

"what? why? how did you know i was here?" i was rambling. i feel like he can already tell that i was nervous. god, i just want the floor to eat me right now. i'm thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

"junkyu told me." that son of a gun. i specifically told him i was avoiding haruto! "anyway. bivs, i'm not dumb. it's so obvious that you've been avoiding me for the past couple of weeks. i just can't come up with a reason why. tell me please, did i do something?"

i felt like this just took one step forward and two steps backwards. i'm relieved he doesn't know how i feel about him but i'm rattled at the fact the he caught on. what am i suppose to tell him? that i'm tired of hurting myself everytime i see him with his girlfriend?

"i.. i just felt like you've been ignoring me ever since you got together with gwen." lame excuse. i really wanted to punch myself right now. way to sound jealous, bevee. but what can i do? i was put on the hot seat without a warning. junkyu better come here right now and take me home.

"just what i thought." he said. wait, what? "i'm sorry you felt neglected. i wasn't doing it on purpose, i swear. you are still and will always be one of the most important people in my life and i wanna make it up to you." this dumbass.

"no, you don't have to. i was just being overly sensitive. it's not your responsibility to be here with me 24/7. i get it." i told him basically what i tell myself everyday.

"no, let me make it up to you, please?" he insisted with his pleading face. NO. you cannot be cute right now or else i'm jusy gonna say yes to everything. "since gwen went home to california for the christmas break, i wanted to count down my christmas with you. is that fine? i mean, we both go back to japan on 24th anyway."

i felt my heart skipped a bit. why am i still getting butterflies whenever he talks about making plans with me when i've literally been with him half of my entire life?

i just love him so much, and it's so hard not being to express it freely.

"count down? what do you mean?"

"like we do things together starting today until christmas. it's to make up for all the weeks you've been avoiding me." he said, now with an excited smile on his face.

counting down my christmas with him. is this a dream? i can't even stress how much i love the sound of that but i'm still having second thoughts. heaven knows how much i wanna be with him, but for sure it'll only make what i feel for him ten times worse than it already is. i wanna stop loving him so bad, but he's making it so hard.

"but..."

"bevee, please. i really missed you. don't you miss me?" man, don't guilt trip me like that!

"i do miss you but.. is gwen okay with this?" of course, i do love him but i know my boundaries. i wouldn't wish anything bad for his relationship with gwen. if it makes him happy, then who am i to ruin that?

"yes, she knows how close we were and she felt bad that we barely talk to each other nowadays." he quickly responded. why does she have to be so nice? pretty, tall, smart, and nice. he's never gonna wanna let her go.

"then i guess.." i know i want this. haruto wants it. gwen gave consent. it's just two best buddies hanging out together. there's nothing really wrong with that, right? "alright, fine. let's count down the days to christmas together."

"great! cool, cool." he exclaimed with a proud grin on his face. his smile is so contagious i couldn't help but to smile as well. "well, i better go pack up some clothes."

"wait, what?" and just like that, my smile transitioned into confusion. "you mean, you're gonna stay at my apartment?"

"yeah? why you acting so weird," he laughed and lightly nudged at my arm. "it's not like i didn't stay in your apartment for a whole month when i first got to korea. it's still me, bivs."

yeah, but you didn't have a girlfriend back then– ah, what am i even thinking.

"anyway, gots to go. see you later." he said then left before i could even react.

i am both happy and worried.