One Of Us

No Secrets.

Bjorn heaved himself off the sofa and followed Anna through to the kitchen, he smiled as he realised she was unconsciously carrying the baby comfortably on her hip and little Anna looked delighted to be there "Has she eaten recently?" Anna asked over her shoulder "she's put on weight Bjorn, she's beautiful" Bjorn grinned and said "Well she ate before she came out but you wouldn't believe it, she's always hungry" Anna burst out laughing "it's definitely your genes then, nothing to do with me. Linda and Christian were both unstoppable, Christian still is." she shook her head still laughing "Let's go and see what we can find you. I wonder what Papa bought with him hmm? Probably stuff in a jar, that's fine for emergencies but I bet we can find you something nicer but we won't tell him OK? It'll be our girlie secret" his heart melted as he watched Anna engage the baby and little Anna was listening raptly kicking her legs and her little hand was scrunching up Anna's t shirt "If we ask him nicely maybe Papa will go up into the attic and get the highchair what do you think?" and he was damned if that baby didn't turn and look straight at him and he was faced with a carbon copy of his own eyes and Anna's sparkling eyes both of them knowing they could wrap him round their respective little fingers. He rolled his eyes happily " Are you really going to make me clamber up into the loft at.." he consulted his watch "2115?" he was playing for he knew he would do it, he would do anything for Anna and all his kids "We are aren't we beautiful lady?" Anna chatted to the baby and she chortled and dribbled in total joy at the game "You're so clever, like your Papa and Emma aren't you?" she was rummaging in the cupboard "Off you go Papa" Bjorn grinned and said "Yes boss" and he went upstairs poking his nose in on Emma and Linda on his way past, they were happily engrossed in something on the TV, he checked on Christian and he was getting himself into his pajamas and dressing gown and he looked up and grinned at him "Is she OK?" he asked "she is son, she's sending me into the attic to get the highchair" Christian smiled "Are you staying tonight Papa?" Bjorn debated what to say but his son took matters into his own hands "Papa, it'd be amazing if you were staying. Linda and I would love it, we won't tell anyone" Bjorn was surprised "When did you get so grown up?" Christian shrugged " Its just nice to have you here and Mama smiles more when you are. Lena doesn't like us so it's nice to see you without her. I'm sorry Papa" Bjorn hugged his son tightly "Don't be sorry Christian, I'm glad you can be honest with me. I will stay if its OK with you. I need to talk to your Mama tonight, because I need to be sure that she is safe" he started with that. "It's OK Papa" Christian looked genuinely happy "it's really OK, I'll come and help you with the ladder before I go down and see Mama"
Bjorn opened the loft hatch and slid the ladder down, Christian held onto the bottom of it while Bjorn climbed up "Do you know where the light is Christian" he asked "On your right Papa on that bit of wood" Bjorn found it and as he climbed into the attic he was met with a room full of memories, it didn't look like she had got rid of anything. The attic was full of Abba stuff, the photo trunk that he remembered so well, baby stuff, paperwork. It was a total treasure trove, he had to get her up here with him one day, he wondered what else was up here that he couldn't see. He spied a little heater and an idea came into his head, he put it on and then focused on finding the highchair. He struggled down the ladder with it and was glad of his son's help when he got to the bottom of the ladder and between them they managed to get it safely onto the floor. Bjorn put the ladder back up and shut the hatch for now as it was letting a terrible cold draught into the main house but he was determined that he wouldn't forget his plan.
Bjorn carried the highchair downstairs and into the kitchen diner and Christian fetched a damp cloth to wipe it off and Anna plunked baby Anna straight into it once Bjorn had dried it with a tea towel, they were interrupted by Emma and Linda crashing down the stairs "Mama I've put the camp bed up in my room, where did we put the sleeping bags? Emma can sleep with me, we're ready for bed" "They're in the top of my wardrobe I'll get them. What a lovely idea Linda, Emma do you need help to get into your pajamas?" Anna asked "No thank you, I can do it for myself" Emma told her "Papa says for someone so small I'm clever" Bjorn was immensely amused "I did say that darling but we haven't quite got the top bit right so far have we? Perhaps you'd let Linda help you put it on the right way around if you need it" Emma pouted a little then smiled "OK" "and what else do we do before bed?" Bjorn asked "I got to clean my teeth" Emma said "Good girl" Bjorn said approvingly "but for that I do help you don't I?" "Yes but I'll be a big girl soon and then I can do it by myself Papa" Bjorn couldn't help his sigh "It won't be long Emma don't worry"
He felt Anna's hand slide into his and squeeze gently, he heard her whisper "before you even blink they grow don't they" she smiled up at him and winked and he squeezed back "let me go and get a sleeping bag and a pillow, I mashed a couple of tinned peaches for Anna, see how she does. Christian I know it's Friday night and we've had a weird night but it is getting late baby." she spotted his longing look "but it's OK if you want to stay with Papa for a while, maybe when I get back he can come up with you if you like" Bjorn's heart swelled when he saw the look of happiness on his son's face and he said "sit with me son while I feed Anna and then we can go up, Mama's right you must be worn out" "I am but I don't want to miss out Papa, I don't know when you can come next" "Christian after tonight I promise that I'll be here a lot more than I have been and I'm sorry that things have been difficult. I'm going to sort things out with your Mama" he promised carefully. Christian leaned on his left side and Bjorn hugged him tightly then fed an impatient little Anna. He was conscious that as he was feeding her Christian was getting heavier and heavier he was just about to remonstrate with him gently but he looked down to see that he was sound asleep. Bjorn smiled and adjusted himself to compensate, Anna finished the whole tin of peaches Bjorn had to mash the rest up to satisfy her appetite, he made a mental note that she liked them she hadn't had them before. He wiped her mouth and reached her toy off the table "I won't be long baby but I can't carry both of you and keep Christian asleep" he gave her the toy and begged her to be a good girl then lifted Christian carefully his eyebrows shot up as he realised how much Christian really had grown up and he had to juggle him a little to carry him safely. He carried him up the stairs and into his room, Anna happened to come in behind him and she pulled the bed covers back for Bjorn and he laid his son gently down on the bed as he did Christian woke enough to wrap his arms around Bjorn's neck and hug him tightly "I love you Papa, I'm really happy you're here" Bjorn went down on his knees on the bed so that it wasn't quite so much of a strangle hold and hugged Christian tightly "God I love you too son" he choked a little and he felt Christian relax back into sleep, he gently untangled his arms from around his neck and stood carefully, he tucked the bedclothes round him and whispered in his ear "I'll be here in the morning, I promise I will"
Anna turned the light off and left the nightlight on in the hall for Emma and then beckoned Bjorn downstairs, once they were back in the kitchen and he'd picked up a fussy baby Anna she said "the girls are both asleep I helped Emma clean her teeth and put her top on the right way round" she chuckled and Bjorn smirked "She's got an independent soul" he admitted laughing "she's 4 going on 40 I swear, will you hold her while I go and get her crib?" she nodded and took the baby happily "be careful Bjorn" in the past he would have laughed at her but given what happened tonight and what he'd learnt recently he was kind and told her "I promise I will, I'll be right back Anna"
He was as good as his word and did look around carefully as he stepped out onto the veranda but saw and heard nothing to worry him, he picked up the crib and bedclothes and tucked a bottle of wine into it and a selection of his and Anna's favourite snacks locked the car and jogged back indoors.
Anna had just finished changing the baby's nappy when he got back and was expertly manhandling little legs and arms back into her romper she looked up and totally misread his expression and stepped back hurriedly "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" she looked crushed "I was trying to help" Bjorn dropped everything where he stood and strode towards her "God Anna no, I'm NOT upset, not with you. Never with you, never. I'm just not used to anyone helping me except maybe Benny" he sighed "this is why we need to talk, I don't want anymore misunderstandings, especially not with you" he wrapped his arms around her and she could feel him shuddering, her mind calmed as she allowed herself to hug him back and when she did she was sure she heard him sigh and it sounded very much like relief to her "I'm sorry" he said "I'm sorry I upset you, please finish. You do it so much better than I do" She tutted impatiently "Bjorn you're the best Papa I've ever met, I know so. You can put a romper on" "I can" he agreed "but I've normally got Emma hanging off me, takes me a few attempts most times" he sighed "Come on let's get her settled, it's time I talked and you listened" she opened her mouth indignantly and thought better of it, she would learn from her mistakes so she shut her mouth gave Bjorn an encouraging squeeze and moved back to putting little Anna back in her romper while Bjorn picked up all his stuff off the floor. She put Anna in the travel crib and tucked her in and she was surprised when she looked up to see Bjorn sorting out wine and snacks and even more confused when he gave her the wine and snacks and hoisted the travel crib up and led her upstairs, she was throughly bemused when he opened the loft hatch quietly and pulled the ladder down slowly so it made less noise "What on earth are you doing?" she whispered furiously "Anna please, humour me baby" she was surprised by the wave of heat that came down and she watched him carefully carry the crib up and manoeuvre it through the hatch, he put her safely then came back down the ladder and collected the wine and the two glasses and carried them up and was on his way back down when she said "I can manage the snacks if your plan is to spend the evening in the loft" she whispered "You're as crazy as you ever were Bjorn Ulvaeus" she climbed the ladder and he took her hand to help her up "I can't wait for this" she grumbled but he smiled when he saw her eyes twinkling "What goes on in your head hmm?" she asked as she brushed herself off "I saw us up here" he admitted "you haven't thrown us away" she frowned "Of course I haven't" he spied a pile of beanbags and pulled them closer to the heater and moved the baby so she was in touching distance and Anna flopped on one of the bags he handed her the wine and the glasses and she put them on the floor, she looked at the snacks and smiled "You remembered Bjorn" "Of course" he replied "as if I would forget" she held his snacks and wine as he settled in the beanbag after dragging the trunk over to them, she gave him his wine and took charge "Right Bjorn out with it, all of it. I know you, I know you find it hard but whatever it is will eat you alive and you promised that you'd tell me" she reminded him
"Before I start Anna I want you to know that I expect nothing from you, I'm not doing this for any other reason than you deserve the truth and I want to be sure that you know everything. I want my children to be safe with you if something happens to me" Anna frowned "What will happen to you?" "I don't know Anna but I've sorted my affairs out in case it does. My life isn't what you think Anna. I've made two massive mistakes in my life and they've led to so much damage. I have so many regrets Anna and they all involve you" He sighed "but I'm not here for me, I'm here for Emma and Anna. Lena despises them Anna, I don't say that lightly and wish it was not so but she does not love them and our horrendous relationship is causing them damage. I begged for both of their lives and Lena agreed to have them so long as I stayed with her, as long as she has my name and my money." he stopped to gather the strength to continue "I've spent the last few weeks sorting everything out so that they are safe. Lena wouldn't care for them, I cannot leave them with her even for a minute" Anna was struggling to absorb all of this "Emma said Lena tried to hit her but you stopped her" she breathed "I was in the shower and I heard them arguing when I turned the shower off to wash my hair. I just made it in time" He poured another glass of wine " she told me I'd never ever see Emma again if I left her and no one would believe me because I'd already left you" "But you didn't Bjorn" she protested "I left you" he looked up at the sound of her tears "baby don't cry, I made you go" he had a sip of his wine "I couldn't leave Emma alone with her Anna, I just couldn't" she crawled off her beanbag and pulled him to her and he settled against her as she wrapped her arms and legs around him "No Bjorn of course you never would, you're her Papa" he relished her embrace and said "there's so many incidents that I can't think of them all but I look after them all the time and I never realised how much hard work it is alone Anna but I do it gladly. We've never shared a bed, a room, never been a team like we were. I'm sorry that I didn't understand when we were together, I didn't try hard enough and I regret that" She soothed him gently "We are both at fault Bjorn, it takes two you just said that yourself. What about little Anna?" she asked "I don't remember" he groaned anguished "not really, we'd had a dreadful row about something she said to Emma and I got drunk Anna, so drunk I don't remember a thing. Nothing" she wiped away his tears "I'm not even sure she's mine. Lena has had many affairs but I love that baby more than my life, she looks like me doesn't she?" he was needing reassurance "Yes baby she's yours, she's absolutely yours. I see Linda, Christian and you in her" Anna whispered honestly wanting to take that pain away for him "It wouldn't matter to me if she wasn't biologically mine, I love her. I'm her Papa and no one will take her I'll die first. Lena has never touched her, not once. I got on my knees and begged for her life, abortion was the only other choice I was given and I love my children Anna, all of my children. My life for theirs" his distress was acute "I understand baby and Anna IS yours, I promise you. I see it, there's no doubt in my mind" and she felt him slump in her arms. She was soft with him, she was soothing and quiet with him but inside her fury burned hotter than any volcano and so many things made terrible sense now "I want them to know I love them, that I did my very best for them always." she ran her fingers through his hair like she used to when he was stressed and hummed gently "When I was with you in the plane and you said you were sorry that you hadn't spoken to me and we'd got in a mess I realised you were right. I realised I wanted to make it right with you and you asked me if could handle having our kids if something happened to you then I got to thinking what would happen if something did happen to me what would happen to Emma and Anna and I couldn't bear it Anna because the only person I would ever trust with my world is you"
He got up out of her embrace and fetched a blanket he'd seemingly got cold "I need to hold you Anna and I thought I'd want to look at memories with you but I don't, well not today. I thought it would help me but I think I won't cope with it" he resettled in the beanbag and manhandled her until she was comfy on his lap and they were both covered in the blanket "Pooh, this blanket smells musty" Anna mumbled "I need to wash it" "I don't care" Bjorn whispered "for now I have you just where I want you" she quietened and relaxed immediately and snuggled into him "Me too" she told him "I spent the day at Viggso with Benny and the solicitor last week Benny insisted I started to get sorted I'm going to divorce Lena and I'm going to attempt for full custody, I have proof of Lena's actions and the solicitor seems confident, she's also still having an affair. She's with him right now but I couldn't care any less than I do" he sighed and kissed her forehead "this is where you and Benny come in. In my will it states that in the event of my death or illness you will have full custody of Emma and Anna, I want them to grow up with you, with a Mama's love. You're the most wonderful mother I've ever known and I want all four of my children to be together, you would have Benny as your support, he is named also as guardian in case Lena shows her true colours. All my money is wrapped up in trust funds for them and you so she can't get to it. You, Frida and Benny have control over the trust funds. You're the only people I trust" he stopped as emotion overwhelmed him and he felt her gentle lips pressing butterfly kisses all over his face "I will love them Bjorn" she promised "but nothing is going to happen to you" "You don't know that and you don't know her Anna" he wiped his eyes "If I become incapacitated and lose my ability to make decisions you and Benny have Lasting Power Of Attorney for me. The thought of her making decisions for me gives me nightmares like you could never know, she'd bleed me dry and the kids would end up being adopted or worse and god knows what would happen to me. I've left you enough money to bring up all the kids and locked down my portion of future Abba earnings pre 1980 for all four of them when they are grown. Emma and Anna are Lena's meal ticket and she will fight but I need you to fight back if I'm not here. What I've put in place if you sign it will be unbreakable but it doesn't mean she won't try and Benny says he will shield you, he promised me" "Bjorn I won't let her take them I promise. I promise you I'll fight back. Bjorn I had no idea, why didn't you tell me??" she was heartbroken "Because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I've got into this mess, because I deserve it after what I did to you. It's hard to admit that I've got it so wrong, that I'm in an abusive relationship and if it were just me I wouldn't care, there wouldn't be anything left for me to live for but those kids depend on me to keep them safe"
"Oh Bjorn, no one deserves that, least of all you. You DON'T deserve this life. Get out of it now. I'll sign everything before you start divorce proceedings. Bring the solicitor here tomorrow and Benny and we'll get it sorted" she was furious and her love for him that she kept hidden most of the time came to the fore now "Bloody woman" she mumbled "here I can relax, she can't get to us here. You won't let her in will you?" he asked painfully "No baby I swear I'll never let her in" she reassured him rapidly "I'll never let her near them or you" "I've given her everything that I've earned since we married, all future earnings from the stuff I've worked on during our marriage and a maintenence payment that the solicitor and Benny think is too much but if I pay her more she might leave us be" he sounded like he was struggling to breathe "What if she's right? What if I don't get the kids? The courts always support the mother, that's why I stay Anna because I can't bear to lose them and she'll make them suffer. I don't want to stay, I want to come home to you and I can't" and for the first time in the 18 years she'd known him he broke down and cried and for the first time in far too long she was the one who sheltered him from the storm