Love, Hope.

Where It All Started

Hope, what an irony!

I never understood why my name is Hope when all that I've left is pain and numbness in my life. I wasn't always like this, I smiled, I laughed, I was a perfectly sane girl, lived a pretty normal life until my life wasn't normal anymore! 

It was a pleasant morning, I was making blueberry pancakes in the kitchen with my dad while listening to some music on the radio, it was a beautiful day outside, birds chirping, the neighborhood children all happy and full of life playing in their yards. Mom came in, from the main door all cheerful and happy, she was out walking our dog, Tommy. We all sat around the table and had our breakfast, talking about random stuff and laughing so hard and there wasn't anything that could take away this happiness I thought. 

What a fool I was!

But, within a split of a second, everything went sideways. My mom started coughing a lot, though she caught a really bad cold I was wrong again, ugh I hated to be wrong at that moment. She didn't stop coughing for a while. My dad rushed in with some water from the kitchen and gave it to her but she could barely drink any.

and then... she began coughing out blood.

that was it.

My dad phoned an ambulance as soon as he could. I went absolutely blank and numb, I felt empty, torn between wanting to help and not being able to figure out how!  All of our efforts to help her just didn't work out, I was scared and I felt helpless at that point and I wished I could just make her okay again but no... 

I heard ambulance sirens approaching outside my house. My dad asked me to open the door so they could bring in the stretcher. I barely could move, I had no control over my body and mind as if I'm just being regulated by someone else. I wished that it was just a nightmare and it'll all be over soon but it wasn't.

They brought in a stretcher and carried my mom in it. My dad asked me to stay back at home as there was only a place for one in the ambulance. I did as asked. I didn't go with mom. I stood at the door looking at the ambulance disappear at the end of the road. 

I prayed and prayed, two hours passed by quickly, but it felt like an eternity. I sat on the couch, with a blanket covering my body, lost inside my own head, wishing for the best, wishing is all I could do.

There was a knock on the door, I open it to find my dad standing in front of me with tears in his eyes. His face looked pale and I could see fear and grief in this teary eyes. He said "Let's go see your mom for one last time" in a trembling voice. 'One Last Time' those words just shook my whole world. Does it mean what I think it means? well it did mean that.

I got in the car with my dad, drove towards the hospital in silence. My dad held my hand on our way towards mom's cabin. 

When I got there, she was wearing an oxygen mask, she looked at me and smiled. She was the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I teared up at the first glance of her face, I walked slowly towards her bed and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She took off her oxygen mask to speak to me. She said in a weak voice "Hope. My beautiful baby girl, I love you alright? Mom has to go away somewhere far, okay? so I need you to be a brave girl and take care of your dad. You're strong aren't you? I need you to be strong just like this. Mommy will always love you and always be there with you in your heart and in your memories, okay?"...

"okay" I could barely say it.

She kissed my forehead and held my hand as I stood there, with tears running down my cheeks, hoping for the unexpected to happen. I watched the monitor as her heartbeat started going down slowly, she just laid down there with her eyes closed, her body almost lifeless, her hands barely moving, a tear rolling down from the side of her face... and then she took her last breath. I lost her, I lost my mother and my best friend...

she was gone...

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(2nd chapter out on 7th March)