The Science of Grief

O1: Don't Trust Dudes In Tuxes (Who Ride Motorbikes)

At 4.367 lightyears the Alpha Centauri star system is the closest star system to the sun and our solar system. Its a group of three stars. Alpha Centauri A, Alpha Centauri B and the third's called Proxima Centauri, in a meek attempt to distinguish itself in the triplet pair I believe.

I remember stargazing. I didn't know much about the stars back then but it was fun. It was raining, the soft thrum of a summer storm.

You said your favourite was Betelgeuse, the 2nd brightest in Orion. It was because of Beetlejuice you said, your favourite movie.

I remember pointing to Antares, the brightest in Scorpio, it was sort of red and blurry and I remember just one fact about it: it was actually a twin star but the light of one of the twins was so bright that we couldn't see its companion star through our regular telescope. You told me that since the light we were seeing then and now is at least 600 years old, red giants are stars that are at end of their natural lifespans, so we might not even have been looking at the real Antares. Just empty light from it that had travelled through a lonely vacuum to reach us, even if the star itself were dead, we could see it right there: bright and clear, Antares. It was like spectating a ghost. That night we were amused by a restless and sweet star, that came a long way to see us, and leave us with a gift of its last light.

I look up to see your face and its split apart by moonlight. Haphazardly yet perfectly. There's blood. Threads weaved out of light spin your face out of shape. 

Who are you?

The ground around us breaks open, an abyss below. I let myself fall and you with it.

I fell for what felt like ages, the rain had dried but there was still an odd sinking feeling to the fall,  the very space around me was caressing and holding me gently. It didn't feel bad. As I sank or fell or flew into darkness, some blurry picture appeared in front of me. A woman. Laying in a puddle of blood. A woman with my mother's face. Images of you fill my head. Mother, mother, mother.

"Mom!" I swim toward her and when I reach her, we're back on an asphalt road on which the blood eddies away along with the rain. "Mom wake up!" there's blood. There's so much of it, I'm dizzy already.

"Drew," her voice calls out as I cradle her injured head. I think I'm crying.

"Why didn't you save me, Drew?" her voice has become all distorted now, her face cracking at the edges, revealing nothingness below. The blood pools faster, her arms hold me in as I scream, there's light, there's a crash, and it's all my fault and I-

''HUUUGH," I sit up suddenly, startling the two faces right above my face, my breath catching somewhere deep in my throat as I squint up all the sunlight and bright sky above me, I instinctively raise up a hand to block it out. I'm alive. As much as I don't deserve to be, it wasn't me being lowered into my grave today.

Oh right, the funeral.

I look towards my left, clutching my head as I spot the two kids who were there before. One's got strange bright coloured hair and the other a similar shade, a bit lighter and both of them look terrified right out of their minds.

"Who the hell are you guys?" I growl as I get to my feet. The older one shrieks and looks at the other one, a look of worry passing between them.

"D-did you hit your head too hard? Did you forget who you are?" the older boy squeaks out as the younger girl bursts into tears. "Please don't call the police on us! If we go to jail no one will help nanna anymore!"

These kids seem demented.

I catch sight of my motorbike completely thrashed out on the side of the road, with its tires still spinning which is when the whole thing comes back to me. Emotional detour. Forest path. Two kids who don't know how to cross the fucking road and who I had to miss hitting by swerving into a ditch. I'm surprised they stuck around to see if they'd killed me or not.

"Yeah, yeah you got me good. I probably have a huge concussion now and I don't even know who I am, how are you kids gonna make up for that, huh?" I yell at them, making them shriek louder and saw the older girl's face crumple, the beginnings of panicked tears glossing over her wide eyes.

"L-look mister, we're sorry for what we've done, a-and" They both take a quick look at my bleeding forearm and cheek, which I knew weren't as worse than a few surface cuts.

"we could get you to the hospital where they'll make you remember exactly who you were and then you'll be fine-" The older one's cut off by my loud guffaw of laughter. So much for trying to hold my composure and playing a prank on a pair of possibly homeless children. I take in their scared appearances. They both look grubby and so afraid I'm sure that one of them pissed their pants already and they're talking about taking me to the hospital? Damn, these kids were fun.

"I was just playing with you, I'm fine." I say between chuckles as I wipe imaginary tears from my eyes. "Didn't hit my head that bad either unfortunately, so I remember everything." The little boy unlatches himself from his sister and marches over to me in short strides and kicks me clean in the shin with one short blow that doesn't really hurt but for effect, I pretend to stumble.

"Ow! What was that for?" I try to sound hurt but can't help but chuckle again.

"You're an asshole! You worried me that Charlie and me would have to go to jail!" he wails while huffing up his cheeks and folding her arms. His sister Charlie quickly comes between us, as though I'd launch an attack on an eight year old.

"Woah that's quite the mouthful for you, young one." I say amusedly as I walk over to my bike, pick it up and revv up the engine a couple times to make sure it was working fine. There was a slight noise in the tone and I realized the gear chain must've come off and curse myself internally as I squat down to start working on it. The two kids aren't gone and shuffle closer to peer over my shoulder to see what I was doing. "What do you want, now?" I ask without glancing at them. I don't hear anything back. I look at the two.

They're both quite adorable kids up close, with bright hair and deep coloured eyes, both dressed in soiled looking clothes. As they look down at the ground, I realize how odd it is for a bunch of kids to be roaming around here with no purpose and wonder what the heck they were doing here in the first place.

"Mr. Concussion, me and my sister here ran away from home.. well not exactly because we'll be going back but now it's been a whole day and well-" a loud growl goes out from the boy's side and he quickly blushes in embarrassment, "Well, we're really hungry." she concludes which is quite obvious. I pretend to think the matter over for a few seconds and nod to myself and I wipe my hands down on my trousers.

"I'm sort of in a hurry though, I don't know if I could really help.." I catch their crestfallen faces and with a little smile I continue, "but we can have a deal if you aren't gonna go around kicking me or calling me Mr. Concussion, alright?" I see their faces lighting up again as the girl runs up to me and hugs my knee and I laugh.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou," she cries as her brother smiles but still seems cautious of weird strangers dressed in tux's on motorbikes. Wouldn't blame him, honestly. "I'm Ry and this is Charlie!"

"Drew," I extend out my oil stained hand and think better and drop it. Soon I have the chain all fixed up and since I don't wear a helmet myself, I felt bad about not having one to hand to the kids but I promise I won't drop them off and they seemed to trust me. And thus in a soiled as fuck tux and two possibly homeless kids hopped onto my bike, in the middle of nowhere, I wonder if my mother would appreciate brining them to her funeral as I start up the bike. She always loved kids. Shouldn't bother her too much.

Right?

"Hold on tight!" I yell into the wind as we sped past the forest lane.