Scandalous/ A Jordan Knight FanFic (18+)✔️

06

Mia

Cannon comes inside after his call and sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. I wait for him to say something, anything, but he just sits there.

He looks at me.

I stare back.

But nobody says another word about the phone calls or my outburst. I'm still afraid of his answers, and he looks too scared to tell me the truth, so I let it go. Again.

I mess around on my laptop, and he's engrossed in something on TV, sending text messages every so often. Eventually, he dozes off, and I give all my attention to the screen in front of me.

I've spent my fair share of late nights reading articles and digging for information that might help us reconnect. This trip was step one, but since that hasn't been going as planned or worked as I've hoped, I have no choice but to try something else. Something that might get us communicating instead of tiptoeing around the divide between us.

A couple of weeks ago, one click led to another, and before I knew what was happening, I'd joined a forum online. It's moderated by a marriage expert who answers any and every question, no matter how off the wall or mundane it is.

I would take my time browsing through each of the responses, hoping that one of them would relate to my own marriage, leading me toward some much-needed answers. Some of the posts I came across were helpful; others were completely ridiculous. But, when one particular response hit a little too close to home, I realized there were other couples in the same boat as we were and that this forum was right where I belonged.

That one helpful response had me so hopeful that I was devouring every stitch of information I could get my hands on. I was even curious enough to explore the questions that didn't have anything to do with my situation. The advice was fascinating, and some of the methods were so completely unconventional that I had to dig deeper.

Swinging for instance. How sleeping with other people fixed couples, I had no idea. This one story held me captive though, but I wasn't convinced it was the right move for our marriage. How would sleeping with another person strengthen your bond with your husband? It seemed like it would create new problems. But that didn't matter. I couldn't stop reading. I even ended up on the website this couple had used to connect with other swingers. Praying it was legit and that my computer wouldn't be infected with a nasty virus, I clicked from link to link until I was creating a profile just so I could browse more of the other profiles and follow people from the forum.

At times, it felt wrong to be there, like I was an outsider gawking at strangers who were trying to keep their heads above water during tough times. Still, I had to keep looking.

Just like all those other nights, that's where I've ended up again. When I'm all alone and desperate for help, the swinger website is my source of comfort.

I check on a few couples I've been following, the ones who've been deemed success stories by the moderator of the forum. And I realize how badly I want that kind of validation. To know that I'm not a failure, that I'm capable of making my marriage work. That I'm capable of giving my husband what he needs even though I'm not sure I know what that is anymore.

All I know is that these people have triumphed. They all look so happy in their pictures and updates.

Hours go by, and when my temples start to throb from reading in the dark, I close the laptop and climb into bed next to Cannon, careful not to wake him. For a few seconds, I don't move. I just close my eyes and listen to the sound of him breathing, wishing he would wake up and tell me we were okay.