Smile

...

It took me a long time to realize I needed her back.

I entered the tight room silently, gently pulling the door closed behind me until I heard the small, secure click of the doorknob. Feeling her before I saw her, I quickly remember turning around in one swift movement and coming face to face to the one who I had been avoiding for almost a year.

Our eyes met in an instant, causing an unpleasant chill to suddenly sitting up through my body and my heart to quicken to a pace I found slightly uncomfortable.

Thats all it took was that unavoidable eye contact before I found myself trapped in the empty dark void that stared back at me, unable to break away. I was so captured in the empty pits of oblivion that I had'nt even noticed the fact that her lips had slightly parted as a slight, unconscious warning that she was going to begin talking.

"Why." It wasn't a question, and that in itself caused me to become slightly puzzled. The one word should have indeed been considered a question, no matter what tone, dialect, and or sentence structure. Then again there wasn't any structure of the sort, just a single, three lettered word that danced around inside my mind till the thought began to inflict slight irritation, yet I still stood still waiting for her to go on.

"God look at you. You've grown weak, pathetic even. Why are you still here? Aw look at that, did I make you sad? Hey everyone," she said slightly raising her voice to a raspy whisper, "look I made her sad because she didn't get what she wanted. Its because shes selfish, she honestly has no idea how to be thankful for anything she has, isn't that right?"

Slightly cocking her head to the side she gave a cruel smirk before continuing. "What are you gonna go do baby cakes? Heres an idea, how about you go cry about it like you used to all those times. Yes that sounds like something you would do now doesn't it. Go scream and cry and beg the loneliness to go away."

At this she crossed her arms and gave a slightly amused pout. "Wait a minute, you can't do this can you? Oh yes thats right," she exclaimed clapping her hands together while giving a slight laugh, "You can't cry anymore because you don't feel anything.

You don't care or feel or hate or love or laugh or cry because you can't. The poor girl with a heart of stone, isn't that right? You don't like that I said that, the truth. You're probably gonna go whine to someone who pretends to care then make a facebook status about it later.

Oh and honey, do you really think that any of those people are your real friends? They use you because they know you can't judge them and you don't know how not to be used. Just be alone and shut them out, I mean its not like you're actually letting any of them in anyways. Whats so good about them, like what is the benifit? Physical contact may be? You know what will happen with any sort of hugs.

They don't just want a hug. They will used you and tear you apart like them. Remember them, and what they did, how they lied and cheated? Hug yourself because its the only real ones anyone would think of giving someone like you."

"You're wrong." I don't know how the words came out at last but they escaped somehow, like I had been fighting some sort of wall that had been built in my throat and freed my voice at last.

The words she said had no meaning to me and caused me no pain but began pecking at my brain, threatening to break the fourth wall I had but up in order to not be able to see past the person I had become and see the reality that lay just beyond it.

She was wrong. I know she was wrong because I knew I felt something somewhere it was just too supressed to show.

"I'm right and you know it. Listen I'm always right about you. I know you better than anyone else. You can't just keep ignoring me and expect me to go away because I'm here to stay you can't push me out any longer," The pain in her eyes sparkled in the tears that were beginning to glaze over in her eyes.

Those eyes were so empty, but they weren't hers. They never were her eyes staring back at me.

I stared up and down at the reflection of the girl who smiled on cue, never broke character and never knew how to separate fiction from reality. The mirror was fogged from the mist of the shower that was long since forgotten about. It had been a long time since I had been confronted with my emotions.

They hadn't really ever brought anything but trouble in the past so I just pushed them away, taking the prescribed antidepressants and keeping my mind blank at all times. It wasn't ever even her fault, but my own for suppressing her in a small, isolated cage in the darkest part of my heart hoping to never be found.

Placing a hand over the looking glass, now blanketed in a thick sheet of condensation, I spun on my heel and began to walk towards the shower, thankful that it had waited ever so patiently as I conversed with an old friend.

Looking back to that day, I wish I could have been able to change the two words I had said to her. We still talk now, not directly in person as through personal journal entries and quiet thoughts in the back of my mind. I realize now that throwing those words in my face was exactly as she had stated it.

The truth.

She wasn't wrong.

"I was wrong."