Another Sad Story

4.

My mother rushed out of the house angry after yelling at me for what felt like a million things, slamming the door behind her. I felt overwhelmed as my mind began to race, thought after thought screaming inside. My heart began to race as I began to sob uncontrollably.

You're just triggered, calm down. No matter what it will always go back to this. There isn't anything else left for you, everything's been going wrong for the same reason. It's time to finally go through.

I rushed to the bathroom, locking the door, I began to look frantically for that small tin box. Picking it up I opened it slowly revealing the familiar blades. I picked one up, cold at the touch, I lifted both sleeves sitting against the marble wall.

"No," I cried.

I couldn't do this, not now. I can't...but why do I want to? The thought of me being okay with going through with it caused the tears to stream harder. My body went cold, so cold I began to grind my teeth. I looked down at my wrist and back to the razor blade.

"I can't, no I can't." I tried to convince myself this was wrong.

"Fuck." I threw the blade back in its box continuing to cry.

Trying so hard to stop crying I bite down on my arm to avoid making a sound, hugging my knees, I hide my face in shame. How could I even think for a second I could go through this, I have so much to be thankful for. Chris, God Chris, I couldn't just leave him. Write a note.

I begin to think about Chris and it warms my heart causing my breathing to go back to normal. How I loved Chris, I couldn't imagine my world without him. Well, say goodbye.

It hits me once more and I choke on my breath before sobbing once more. Just do it.

Fine. I get up and walk into the kitchen grabbing a bottle of liquor. I begin to chug it down. It burns my throat but eases the pain. I rush to the bedroom looking for a vinyl, music blast through the speakers. As I'm about to leave the room I glance over at the photo by the nightstand. October 31, Halloween. He drove me up to the mountains and we watched the stars prickle in the sky one after the other. We were so happy. He was so happy.

I reach for my phone but everything slowly blurs as the liquor streams through my veins. Once I grab a hold of it I unlock it after multiple tries. I dial the only number I remember.

"Hey babe," He picks up after the second ring.

"Hi." I begin to cry.

"What's wrong what happened?"

"Chris, you know I love you right?" I try hard not to slur.

"Yes, and I love you a million times more." There's silence, I cover my mouth with my hand not wanting him to hear me cry. "Baby, what's wrong? Do you want me to come home? You know what, I'll be there in a few."

"No, it's okay. I'm sorry Chris. I love you-" I hear him say something to his coworker. "Baby, I love you so, so, so much. You mean the world to me but I just can't."

"No, no. Don't talk like that. I'm leaving the studio, I'm gonna be right there okay, just stay in bed. Baby, listen to me. Breathe, just breathe. Why don't you go to bed? Drink some water."

"Chris-"

"Do you want to stay on the phone? Stay on the phone with me, please. I'm right here okay? Listen to my voice, I'm on my way, It'll take me less than 10 minutes to be right by your side." I hear the ignition of the car start.

"I have to go, I love you."

"No, Stella, baby-" I end the call sobbing. I sit on the bed thinking about what I am about to do, about how much I love him. I can't leave him.

He'll be fine, you're causing him too much stress anyway, he's probably better without you. You're nothing to him, he'll forget about you in a few weeks.

Walking back to the bathroom, closing the door behind me I chug the last bit of liquor before throwing it on the floor. Chills send down my spine as I pick up the blade. I run my arm under hot water causing my skin to burn, I haven't done this in years. Without hesitation, I stab my left wrist, screaming, dragging it down vertically.

The blood pours like a red waterfall. My breathing fastens and my left hand begins to shake, my vision is completely blurred and I struggle to place the blade on my right wrist. I forget to run it under water causing it to hurt, even more. I scream loudly as I force the blade into layers of my skin. I begin to feel lightheaded. My knees fail me as I fall to the cold marble floor. I struggle to hold myself up, the white floor turns red, the tears continue to fall as I fail to catch my breath.

Everything goes black.