Mind Over Matter

Zara: What Started It All

I came back from the run out of breath and feeling like I was going to die. I did good. I took a shower, a cold one of course. Then I dried off and weighed myself while I was still naked. I couldn't afford any clothes adding any extra ounces. I prayed and prayed as the number loaded for it to be lower than the last time. When it wasn't I ran over to my mirror and looked at myself. No surprise the number was the same I looked fatter than I ever have. So I threw up, twice. I weighed myself again, and the number was down. After brushing my teeth three times I was finally ready to go to school.

I walked into the building with sweats on and my hood up. A teacher gives me a stern nod to take it down, and I do for about three seconds before putting it back up.  I got to class and took my normal spot in the back of the room. I couldn't even tell you what class I'm in right now because all I ever think about in school is my weight and when the next time I can throw up is.

I spend lunch in the restroom. Mostly so I'm not tempted to eat anything but also because I don't really have any friends. The restroom in the old art hallway is always empty since they cut the class so I am free to just do whatever I want.

Including purging.

Lunch ended and I left the restroom feeling better. Mentally not physically. I went to my next class sitting in the back again and I laid down on my desk. "Zara!"

"I'm awake!" I shoot my head up pretending like I was paying attention.

"Can you please tell me three, Jim Crow Laws?" Not only could I not name one, but I also didn't even realize this was a history class.

"I-" I shake my head not knowing the answer and I could hear the popular girls laughing in the front of the room.  I grabbed my bag and I ran out of the room. 

"Zara! Zara!" I can hear the teacher call after me but his voice gets distant as I continue to run down the hallway which turned into me running out of the school. I got into my car and drove to the gas station. I didn't actually get gas though, I went inside the mini-store. I grabbed all of the junk food I would ever want to eat and I placed it on the counter. 

"Someone is hungry." The cashier smirks as he begins scanning.

"Someone needs to shut the fuck up." I smile and he turns back down to doing his job and luckily he does it in silence.

I walked back to my car putting my bag in the front seat and then I drove home. I ate what felt like a million calories worth of shit food and hid all of the wrappers of my glove box. I checked the time as I walked inside and I still had an hour and a half before school ended. Which meant I had two hours before my mom got home. And I knew exactly how to spend them.

I sat back on the wall letting myself have a break as my throat became raw but I needed at least two more times for me to actually not take in any of food. Fifteen minutes had past and then I felt up to do it again but this time as I wiped the throw up off of my mouth I heard floorboards creaking nearby. I turned my head to the left of my and I saw my mom standing in horror in the doorway of the bathroom.

Fuck.