Mind Over Matter

Sage: Only Downhill From Here

I'm not sure what's worse: crying yourself to sleep or screaming yourself awake. I keep having this recurring nightmare where I jump off a cliff but the moment before I hit the ground I wake up. Except as I struggle for air trying to convince myself it was just a dream I can still feel the blood leaving my body and my bones shattering as if it's not.

I went into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and as I looked up I was forced to meet my startling reflection. My eyes looked as if I haven't slept in years but this is the first time I've left my bed for three days and the longest I've let myself be awake in two. My lips were dry and my curly hair was matted and knotted and- I looked like shit. Time to go back to bed. I turned around to find my tyrant of a father standing in my room with my backpack that he threw at me, hitting my chest a little too hard.

"Time for school." He announces then leaves.

"Good morning to you too!"

"Get dressed, please!"

"Get dressed, please." I mock as I drop my bag on the ground.

"You can make fun of me while changing."

"Will do!" I scream as I go over to my closet and scan it for whatever would make me look semi-presentable. I settled on baggy jeans and a fitted shirt that looked okay but either way I didn't care. I wet my hair in efforts to be able to get it into a ponytail easier but when the hair tie popped I gave up, leaving it down.

Walking over to the corner of my room where my full-length mirror laid I looked again at myself, tilting my head. I almost looked... normal? I practiced smiling trying to make it seem less fake but every time I tried it looked so unnatural.

"Sage! Let's go."

"I don't want to go anymore!" Before I knew it I saw my dad's reflection in the mirror as he stood in the doorway of my room.

"Sage."

"Dad."

"You said that you were going to try."

"I am! I've been trying, I'm trying right now!"

"Don't yell."

"Look at me I tried." My voice shutters trying to get him to take pity on me so I can crawl back into my bed and never leave.

"I'll be waiting in the car." He says softly closing my door on the way out.

I sat back on my bed staring up at the ceiling contemplating all of my options. I could sneak out the window, that is if Dad didn't make that impossible since the last time I did that. I could just walk out the door and start running but he's more athletic than I am, so surely he would catch me. Every scenario I could think of I lost so it was clear there was only one option.

"What are you doing?" Brandon asks me with wide eyes as I was halfway out of his window with my legs on either side.

"Looking for you?"

"In the garden?" We stared at each other for at least a minute of him just judging me in the doorway and me hoping at the very least I could outrun this twelve-year-old.

"I'll meet you in the car?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna need to watch you."

"You're smart."

"I know." He smiles as he walks over to me extending his hand out to help me down and I take it. I take Brandon underneath my arm and we both walk to the car together.

"Good to see you outside. I think today will be good." Dad says as he unlocks the car doors and I climb into the backseat with my little brother.

"Oh don't speak too soon."