"If you are still looking over my shoulder"

My mother was a strong and beautiful soul, she moved all the way across the states and sometimes worked two jobs to give her six children a better life and although we didn't have much she made us feel like every day was an adventure.

She believed in miracles and projected those beliefs onto all of us, her bubbly and uplifting personality made us the envy of all of our friends.

I gave her the most grief and worry in my life being the youngest, having six kids myself, failed relationships and a whole slew of other things but we were still the closest.

I never wanted to make her cry but I am sure on several occasions because of my lifestyle I did.

As I got older I changed my life, I started to be more present and there when she needed me. I turned my life around and am so grateful she believed in me and always stuck by my side.

We talked on the phone every day, it was like the moment she popped in my head, she called me and it was the same way for her as well.

The end of her life was challenging, we received the saddening news that she had cancer.

I was watching my once strong classy mother wither to nothing while still trying to bring everyone's spirits up.

This was hard for me, I felt like nothing could take my hero down, I moved to Washington two States away to get things ready for her and my sister before we found out she was sick. Now I am stuck with responsibilities and raising my grandchildren out here.

I traveled back and forth and did whatever I could on a limited budget, getting help from friends and family in which my mother said were little miracles.

On two occasions I was contacted by the hospital telling me to make arrangements, only to arrive by her hospital bedside thinking it was the end and with a few words "Mama I'm here" she came out of what the doctors said was a coma and recovered enough to go home, another one of her miracles. I stayed long enough to be sure she was on the road to mending then I had to return home.

The last time I was there with her she wanted me to stay longer, this time it was different, it was almost like we both knew this was it. I couldn't stay any longer, my granddaughter needed me home because her caregiver could no longer take care of her.

I remember saying goodbye that day, I laid my head in her lap on her bed and she stroked my hair. I started to cry because I didn't want to let go of that moment, she was my rock.

She took my face in her hands wiping my tears she said darling don't you know? I will always be with you, this old body is holding me down, I will be more helpful to you on the other side. I promised her I would be back in two months, just hold on until then I told her and with that, I had to go.

We talked a few times every day and I could hear her getting progressively worse to the point of someone having to hold the phone for her, I knew she was holding on for me but I couldn't change my circumstances at home to go out there sooner.

One day she called me, she sounded weak, she asked me to let her go... I sat there on the phone and this swirl of emotions came over me... and then a calm. With tears streaming down my face I answered: "Yes mama, I don't want to but I will let you go". We soon hung up and I just sat there feeling empty, it was the right thing to do, she was suffering.

The next night at 11:00 pm she was gone, I received "the call" from my daughter and she put the phone to my mother's ear and I told her one last time "Mama I love you, I love you, I love you", then her body went limp.

I dropped the phone and fell to the floor in my kitchen and screamed. I was in a fog for months after that, I didn't feel her, she was gone.

Life became a repetitive chore, she took all the color with her. I started to doubt my faith and beliefs in the afterlife that we shared.

I was taking my granddaughter to school one morning, we usually liked to hear music but not on that day. She looked in the mirror and saw-like every day my eyes were filled with tears. She said you know you don't have to worry about your mom she is fine, she can't be with you yet but she will be there for you.

This took me back, I said what do you mean? She then began to describe to me what it looked like and what it was like on the other side, it sounded so beautiful I didn't want her to stop talking but I held onto those words giving me some sort of comfort.

My mother was always concerned about me financially taking on so many mouths to feed and she knew that my car was crap so how this happened made me think...

My ex lived close by and started care-giving for a senior center near me, he became very close with one of his patients, he was a kind man named Ted. He even came to my home a few times on special occasions and we made him king for the day. He was a two-war veteran so we were grateful for his services.

One day he saw I had car trouble and told me to take his car, no no I said, I can't take your car but he was adamant! He said "what the hell am I going to do with it" and with that, he handed me a signed pink slip. I couldn't believe it.

Weeks went on and one day my sister needed a ride to the dollar store, I waited in my new car as she went in. I started to miss my mother and wished that I felt her presence near, if only for a moment.

Just then something told me to get out and look at the front of the car, this was odd but I got out anyway, I didn't know why I was standing out in the cold but I was.

I never noticed the Jack in the box head ball on the antenna but there was something on both sides of the head, wiping away my tears my eyes started to focus... "J" then the head and then "Y" my mother's name was "Joy"

After that day I heard those words she told me the last day we were together... "I will be more helpful to you on the other side"

Since then at times I do feel her near even now. Every time someone helps us or things fall in our laps like a blessing or we are able to help someone else with whatever we can do we say "thank you mom"

My grandson is autistic so his understanding of certain things is limited, I know he sees things on the other side because he tells me but he still doesn't get what he is seeing but this is unmistakable. All of my children called my mother "Mata" which means mother. There have been a few times I have heard him in the other room and one time looking right next to me and he said "Oh thank you, Mata"

She taught me to do my best, love the most, be the smile or kind word or gentle hand that someone might need and always keep an open mind.

I feel blessed to have been able to call her my mother, and if you are looking over my shoulder 

"I love you, Mama."