I can't believe he actually did what he did. The audacity of this man is unreal. I told Teddy I needed a breather, so now I'm out here in my garden filled with nothing but grief and sadness. It once was so bright and a joy to look at. I still couldn't grasp the fact that my family was no longer a family.
Everyday I wake up with sorrow and grief in my chest. It hasn't lightened up at all, it still hurts like the first day it happened. I feel a tear drop from my eyes. I mean what's new? This is my new normal. I hid myself off from everyone, the gate keepers know not to let anyone in except my children. I feel horrible for shutting out Teddy, but I just couldn't handle seeing his beautiful face; he looks just like Christian. I know that's no excuse, but I Just can't help seeing Christian when I look at my son.
I hear the backdoor open, I see that its Taylor.
"Yes, Taylor?" He gives me a sympathizing smile, he misses her too.
"Gail has made lunch, why don't you come join us. I know you and Teddy will be heading out soon, to go visit Kate."
"I-"
"Before you shut the idea down, just hear me out. I know it has been tough, I know that it's hard to get out of bed, but you are much better than this. Its been a long time Anastasia, its time to start over. I know you miss her, okay? But she wouldn't want you to be like this." At this point I have several tears falling down my face. I know he's right, but its so hard to get up everyday knowing your family has fallen apart.
I get up off the bench, that is starting to fall apart. Once upon a time this garden was so beautiful, that magazines all over the country wanted a peak inside. Now a raccoon wouldn't step foot in here.
Taylor holds the door open for me, I give him a half smile. Thats the best I could give at the moment. When I walk in the dining room I see the big table that was once my favorite place to be with my family. I see that there is an empty seat beside Teddy, I sit beside him. Its time to reconnect with my son. Gail sits the food down in front us, they start to walk away but I stop them.
"Join us, and come sit down." They both gave me a smile and took a seat.
We all ate in silence, it was better that way.
_
I walked into my closet, trying to find something that wouldn't fall off me. It was a cold winter here in Seattle, so I want to wear something that will keep me warm. Im all skin and bones now, so I will have to wear ten jackets to accomplish that. I knew that pulling up to Kate's house there will be Paparazzi and I couldn't let them see me like this, as much as I didn't want to; I have to put myself together.
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I walked down the staircase, looking at the door in fear. The only place I had been was work and hid myself off from everyone. My assistant took my place at meeting and big events, she handled it very well. I counted on her for everything, soon she will be my partner not my assistant.
I know that I have to do this, but it is harder said than done. I have been depressed mess for a year, my daughter left me a year ago and my husband left 6 months ago. I have had no time to make myself feel better.. Okay maybe that is a lie, but I just didn't want to get out of bed. I had no motivation to do anything, but Teddy coming by made me want to get my stuff together. I couldn't let my son see me like this.
I see Taylor at the door waiting for me, I knew he was happy to see me get out of the house and do something with myself. I could really see the joy in his and Gail's face. I knew Teddy was most likely waiting in the car for me. I could feel the draft of the cold hair and I haven't even made it down the stairs yet. The Seattle winters are always so cold.
"Ana, would you like me to call Kate and let her know of your arrival?" I could tell he was hesitant of saying anything, he didn't want to give me a reason to stay home.
"I think I would like to surprise her, I haven't seen her in a long time." He smiled and stuck a hand out, gesturing for me to exit the door. It took me a second to step fully out, knowing there was no going back. I knew there was no staying in the house and crying all day, and it scared me so much. I knew that once I stepped out and was bombarded by the paparazzi; that there was no going back.
Gathering up the energy I stepped fully out the door. I felt the crisp cold air against my skin, the wind blew against my body; sending shivers down my spine. I didn't know if it was the fear or the weather.
Either way, it was time to stop the shit show. It's time to get back to business.
Taylor opened the door to the sleek sports car, a habit Teddy picked up from his father. I got in and Taylor closed it behind me, smiling and waving goodbye. The purr of the motor as we pulled off gave me flutters in my stomach.
