Hooked Up

Chapter 23 - People Don't Always Get What They Deserve

It's been a hour since Landon left, and I'm sitting at the kitchen table next to Nate, biting my nails.  I'm so worried about him I can't even eat the omelette Nate pushed in front of me. My stomach is in all kinds of knots.

"He'll be okay," my brother has tried to reassure me ever since his friend left to the morgue. "He's hurting, but he'll get through this. He's strong."

"I know," I automatically respond,  staring out the window. "I just wish I could help him somehow. I feel so useless."

"I know" Nate pulls me to his side and wraps an arm around my shoulders. "But all you can do is be there for him. And that is more than enough."

I sigh. Why is life this messy? Why can't good people get good things? "He doesn't deserve this."

"No, he does not. But people don't always get what they deserve. That's life."

I lean my head against his shoulder. "I hate life."

"Sometimes, I do too."

We sit in companionable silence until the front door opens. I jump up on my feet in an instant and run to the door. Landon smiles and opens his arms wide for me and I collide against him.

"Are you okay?" I breathe in his scent and squeeze him tight.

"No, but I will be," he rests his jaw in the top of my head.

I hear Nate behind me. "I'll leave you two alone for a bit but I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you, mate."

"I know" Landon tells him. "Thanks."

Nate disappears into his room and Landon leads me up to his room and pulls me down on the bed with him.

I take his face in my hands and search his face. His eyes are red, like he's been crying. "Do you need something? What can I do?"

"Just be here," he kisses me gently and tugs me to his side.

"I can do that," I give him a small smile and lay my head on his chest. 

He's quiet for so long I suspect he's fallen asleep, but then he speaks. "I just.. I don't know how to feel. I mean, he's my dad, but at the same time he hasn't been that for years. He was mean and he hurt me more times than I can count. Yet he used to be a good dad when I was a kid, you know? I have some good memories, but so much more bad ones. And today, looking at him dead... I couldn't help but feel relieved. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Does that make me a bad person?"

"No," I instantly say, propping myself up on my elbow to see his face. "You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. Your relationship with him, it was complicated and messy. He made it like that. So if your life is better with him out of it, you shouldn't feel bad about it. He made his bed."

"Then why do I feel like shit?" he mumbles, searching my eyes like he's trying to find answers in them.

"Because you're a good person."

"Sometimes I don't feel like it. The last thing I said to him... I told him he meant nothing to me, that I never wanted to see him again. And then he drinks himself to death not a week later. I can't help but feel responsible."

I caress his cheek with my thumb. "This isn't your fault. Okay?"

He doesn't answer, just looks away.

"Hey," I turn his face back to face mine. "This is not your fault. You didn't pour liquor down his throat, he did that himself. He made his choice long ago and has been making the same choice ever since. You are not responsible for his death. You hear me? Do not blame yourself for it. It won't do any good, it won't bring him back. Blaming yourself is only going to eat away at you. And I won't let you do that."

He looks at me for a long moment, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Okay."

I lean forward and rest my forehead against his. "You're going to get through this. And I'm going to be here every step of the way."

He nods again, and we stay like that for a long time.

---

A few week goes by and Landon is getting more like himself every day. He's let go of most of the gnawing guilt and started processing his feelings. The burial was a today and since Landon's father had pretty much destroyed all of his relationships, it was small with only Nate and I there with Landon. 

At first Landon didn't even want to go but I convinced him otherwise.  I thought it would help him get closure and say goodbye.

"Thank you," he whispers in my year as Nate pulls the car in the garage. He glances back at us and jumps out.

"For what?" I turn to look at Landon.

He squeezes my hand. "For convincing me to go. You were right, it helped."

I smile and plant a soft kiss on his cheek. "You're welcome."

"And thanks for going with me, I know it wasn't easy for you to go there again."

He's right, it wasn't easy. It reminded me of my parents' funeral, even though theirs was much bigger. Memories of that day have been bombarding my mind all day.

"I was just returning the favor," I smile, thinking back. "You were there for us."

He lets out a little laugh. "Yeah, even though you probably wished I wasn't. You weren't very fond of me, at the time."

I grin, "Because you were such a jerk."

He gasp, as if wounded. "I have always been a very lovely person."

I laugh. "Keep dreaming."

"Hey! he grins. "You weren't exactly miss sunshine, either!"

"Okay, fair enough. We were both a handful. I don't know why but you always rubbed me the wrong way. From the moment I met you."

"You too," he smirks. "You just annoyed the shit out of me. I have now idea why I found you so irritating."

"Maybe because you've secretly liked me all these years and were mad because you had no chance," I wiggle my eyebrows.

He scoffs. "As if."

"Just admit it," I bump his shoulder with mine.

He shakes his head, looking cocky. "I could've had you anytime I wanted."

I raise a brow. "Really? Thinking a little highly of yourself, I see."

He grins and leans down until our lips almost touch. "I've got you now, don't I?"

I let out a shaky breath, his cool breath on my lips very distracting. "Yes."

He smiles and closes the gap.