Shrek: A Biography (AU)

Chapter 1

Once upon a cow, there was an ogre named Shrek. He was born to two goat parents but one was not a goat, his father was but a goldfish. They lived joyously in a swamp in the crater on the cows back, That was until that fateful day when his parents were gobbled up by a baked naked mole-rat.

The baked naked mole-rat enjoyed eating his parents very much and had a wonderful week. Shreks parents tasted like the finest ornate sushi you will ever find. The baked naked mole rat's name was Steve. The finest name. He had very slimy moleskin and 2 teeth which were as sharp as spatulas. His favourite pastime was making crabby patties with his teeth. He was baked as a child because he was not tanned enough all other naked mole rat's (with their pumped up kicks better run better run) would always make fun of him.

Child Shrek was devastated by this event. He was so sad that he started to knit and he knatted and he knatted until he had a cloak, which expanded when placed on the ground. Every time he did this, he watched it grow and grow, much to the dismay of the landlords from which he was buying land off to buy a nunnery. 

Upon buying the land for the nunnery, Shrek exclaimed "WE SING A SONG TO BRIDGET. ST. BRIDGET BRINGS THE SPRING. AWAKENS ALL THE FIELDS AND THE FLOWERS AND CALLS THE BIRDS TO SING…" This is Shrek’s666 favourite song and was composed by Michael Jackson in 1845 to commemorate the anniversary of the conception of the el microondas.