I let myself slide down the inside of the tub, fully submerging my head in the murky water. I remember now that there is no way I could drown myself. The water presses violently against my skull, my brain begins to ache. My lungs yearn for the air above the surface and I want to give in. I refuse myself repeatedly, the pain grows. Until I inhale. My eyes shoot open and black spots cloud my vision, my lungs burn as if someone had started a fire within them. But there is no fire. I am drowning. A feeling of pure ecstasy washes over me, and relief floods through me. I feel myself no longer in the water. The cold air around me sticks to my skin and sends chills down my spine. Air fills my lungs and the gut wrenching self loathing creeps into my brain.
"What the hell were you doing?" A voice yells at me. I am coughing up water and my throat stings. I bring my hands up to my eyes and rub them harshly. My vision is blurred and I can barely open my mouth to speak. "This is the second time this month that you have tried something like this." I look up at who is speaking to me. I stare up into the dark brown eyes of my mother. Her bleach blonde hair frames her face in loose curls, which are wet at the ends from hauling me out of the water. Guilt floods through my veins and blood rushes toward the surface of the skin on my cheeks. I see the pain in my mothers eyes and I knew that I have disappointed her deeply. I stand up warily and wrap my arms around her. She rests her head on my shoulder and sighs, "What are we going to do, Wen?" I don't know. And I do not respond. I just hold her tighter and regulate my breathing. I release her from my hold and place my hands on her shoulders.
"I will get through this. I promise." I lie. My mother smiles and leans her head over to kiss my left hand. She pats it and my hands fall to my sides. As she leaves the bathroom I walk over to the tub once more. I reach down into it and unplug the drain. The water slowly empties out of the bath and forms a whirl pool before it's gone. Out of the corner of my eye I see the clock. It reads 1:06 a.m. I quickly strip down and take two Benadryl before laying down on my bed and forcefully drifting to sleep.
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I'm sorry. That kind of sucked. This is my first time writing anything really. Sorry if this is terrible.
- Liv
