In the Sense of Logic

1

In the sense of logic | Chapter 1

I dared big when I was eight. I told father that I wanted to become a scientist.

He asked me why?

I said I want to be a scientist who helps the world for the better, who gives explanations to every unexplainable things in the world.

He chuckled and said go ahead.

When I turned sixteen, I realized I might have dreamed a little too big. I told father maybe I don't want to be a scientist.

He asked me why?

I said the world is too harsh on me and that it is impossible for me to do something that big.

He smiled sadly and said don't let the world make the decisions for you.

The world is a bustling place, always restless. Never stopping. If you go out early in the morning at six am, or come home late around eleven pm, there is always someone out there before you, living ahead. The world is always ahead of me and has been this way for the past 24 years.

And the sad part is, the world never stops for you. When you go out to the street in the morning, everyone is walking busily, going to the subway station or to the bus station. All in neat school uniforms and suits. And they all walk in the same direction.

So when you try to make your way through to go home, the opposite way, people curse at you, judge you, trample you in that crowd of chaos, and you just feel......

so....

out

of

place.

You feel so out of place in this world. And that's what I am. I am an outisder.

No matter how hard you try to catch up to the world, no matter how hard you try to fit in their little box of social standards, the world is always ahead. Moving. Restless, like the beating heart.

So now I wonder, what did I do wrong?

There is really no logical explanation to this question so I always end up with the conclusion that I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe the reason why I didn't get in college is because I didn't try hard enough. Maybe 4.3 GPA wasn't good enough. They wanted more. I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe the reason why my parents divorced is because I wasn't a good son. I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe the reason why I had to give up my dream of becoming a scientist is because I failed my chemistry exam. I didn't try hard enough.

Maybe the reason why I don't fit in this world is because I just didn't try hard enough.

24 years old, and I am still falling behind in the race of the world. When will I ever win?

It's not your fault, you just need to give yourself little more time.

You haven't found the right path yet. You'll get there.

Just keep up the good work and you'll get there eventually.

I define encouragements as pity. I assume that you tell me these things because you pity me and you feel sympathetic towards my failure. You are sympathetic that you are living such a grandeur life and I am not. Honestly, I am used to it now.