"Well... this doesn't have to be a big deal."
"Feels like a pretty big deal to me." I was sitting on her bed and I suddenly regretted answering this evening's knocks.
"Is it crass to say this wouldn’t be a really big deal, at least, to me?" Her eyes flashed with an emotion, that I couldn't place, then it was gone.
"Okay..." I said.
"I'm not trying to be insensitive. I like you,” she shrugged nonchalantly, “I like your body. I'm horny as FUCK! But I don't want you to like, be my boyfriend or something."
“Well, I get that. But, you have to agree it’s more, this is also more… It’s more than a one time fling with someone you will never see again, you have to admit that.”
“I can... But it doesn’t have to change anything unless we let it.” She opened her eyes to me, as if saying, ‘and we would never do that!’
I sat quietly on her bed with my hands in my lap.
“Life can be so short, I’d hate to waste this moment because you fear change… or progression… or honesty,” she raised her arms as she said this, like a little interpreted dance but I frowned.
“You think I fear those things?”
“Do you?” Now she sat still, quiet, hands on her knees.
And I didn’t want to admit it, I would have liked to think she was wrong, but again she proved to know things about me that I had yet to realize in myself.
“I don’t want to fear those things,” I muttered to the ground.
“Then kiss me,” she said, and I looked up at her face.
But I hesitated and she added, “no one will ever know.”
And I released a little air and closed my eyes. I imagine my hands on her face, but it felt too sudden, too real, and I realized just how scared I actually felt.
I looked at her, again, into her bottomless eyes of brilliant blue, a window into a crisp spring morning, a window into a soul so fearless spirited, I long to mirror her ways. I ached to mimic her tenacity. I needed to be brave in this moment, to prove to myself and to her I was alive- that I existed and was too allowed to make a choice. That I didn't have to choose to run, but that I could decide to stay.
YOU ARE READING
Maisy
RomanceHe told me to stop. But not an urgent stop, not the stop of a mother preventing her child from running into the street, not the stop of someone about to walk off a cliff. It wasn't clipped. It flowed. It flowed on and on and sank into his touch. Th...
