It’s 1:13 am. Sleep evades me. Leaves me alone in the dark. I hear the hum of electricity, feel the weight of the blankets against my skin, smooth and clean, like thin lines of filling in a cake. I look at the dark ceiling, mostly black save for one strip of grey that emanates from my slightly ajar curtain. I turn on my side and stare at the gap. I couldn’t leave my room but he was right there, right next door. Probably sleeping like a fucking baby and I was done wanting to scream, I just wanted the placidness of sleep.
I told myself again, stop caring that he didn’t want you. Stop thinking that he did want you, he just didn’t want you as much as you wanted him. Stop thinking that you did something wrong, made him change his mind, offended him somehow. Because in all reality you knew he wouldn’t risk his job, but being rational about rejection wasn’t something I did.
I grabbed my phone as a distraction, but immediately saw he had texted me. At 12:31 am. I threw my phone down on my bed and picked it back up. I looked at the notification again and turned off my screen. Then I quickly unlocked my phone and read it straight away.
‘Maisy, I feel awful. I should have never put you in that situation. I should never have kissed you. This is all my fault. I hope you’re feeling okay.’
I dropped the phone beside me and thought about the words. Awful. Never. Situation. Fault. But also feel, kiss, all, okay. I rolled my eyes.
‘It was my fault, I dragged you into the situation, and I tried to kiss you first, this was my fault.’
No.
‘Don’t feel bad, I’m feeling a little rejected but I will be fine, and it was totally my fault, please don’t feel guilty.’
No.
‘I can’t sleep, I can’t get you out of my head, it’s actually quite alarming and so irritating. I’m sorry, this was really…’
Crap!
‘Don’t feel guilty, I tried kissing you first, so I’ll take my half of the blame. I’m not exactly 100%, but I wasn’t before you came here so that isn’t your fault, either.’
And I just hit send because why not.
He replied immediately: ‘I am definitely more to blame than you are, I am almost ten years older than you, I should have behaved properly. I’m sorry.’
‘Well, you can apologize for the behavior, but please not for the kiss, I want to leave that untainted.’
Hell no.
‘Age is just rotations around the sun. But if it means that much to you, I’ll let you claim 51% of the blame. And if you are sorry, then I am, too.’
Send.
Again, straight away he responded, as though he already had the message written, or as though he immediately sent his initial response. To be so bold…
‘I knew you weren’t in a great place when you called me, it was my fault for taking advantage of your vulnerable state, plus… knowing I may have made it worse, if I even had that ability, I just feel like I mistreated you, that’s why I’m sorry.’
‘Is that the only reason you’re sorry?’
Now there was a pause with his response, and I gripped my phone.
‘I’m sorry I behaved like a hormone crazed teenager. I’m sorry I violated your loneliness. I’m sorry if I made you sad.’
‘Are you sorry for the kiss?’
‘No. Is that awful to say? I don’t know, but the kiss was very nice.’
I smiled into the phone and told him I thought it was very nice, too.
YOU ARE READING
Maisy
RomantizmHe told me to stop. But not an urgent stop, not the stop of a mother preventing her child from running into the street, not the stop of someone about to walk off a cliff. It wasn't clipped. It flowed. It flowed on and on and sank into his touch. Th...
