Warriors

Chapter Seventeen: Dangerous

I'm awake, but I don't move. I'm still so tired, and Fergus is so warm. I cuddle my head onto his chest more and sigh softly.

"You are so fucking beautiful."

Does he know I'm awake? I stay still and wait to see if he says anything else.

"How did I get this fucking lucky? Since the first time I laid my eyes on you, it's been impossible to get you out of my head Mallory. I have spent so much time locked in my head, imagining us together. Kissing and holding you, making love to you, hearing you say my name in the way that only you can... now it's real, and it's so much more than I ever dreamed it could be. I knew I would be happy. Finally happy, but I never thought I would be this happy."

I think it's safe to say he doesn't know I'm awake. I feel a little bad, like I'm spying on him, but I have to keep listening. I'm entranced by his words, his velvety smooth voice.

"I know you don't see it, but you are perfect. You're tough and strong but so gentle and sweet. You are absolutely terrifying yet so adorable. I love how your nose crinkles up when you laugh and how much heart and soul you put into everything you do. You always know what to do, and you're never afraid. You face every challenge without fear, and it's so inspiring. Shadow and Zoom will do and be so many great things because of you. I don't know how Onyx could be so fucking stupid and although seeing you in so much pain is torture, I'm overjoyed that he fucked up. I just hope that one day you love me enough to become my wife. You deserve the whole world and everything in it, and I want to be the one to give it to you. I never told anyone this or even said this out loud, but... you saved my life, Mallory."

He pauses, and I worry that he realizes I'm not sleeping, but he takes a deep breath and continues.

"I'm so fucking ashamed just thinking about it, but I lied. I wasn't going to run away. Running away didn't solve a fucking thing; I was still going to become this monster and everything I hated, and my father blamed me for my mom's death. I don't even know why he bothered to raise me if he hated me so much. When I first saw you all those years ago, he and I just got into a huge fight. He hit me and told me I was worthless and that my mom should've lived instead of me. I figured, what's the point of being here if no one cares."

He pauses again, and my heart breaks for him, but I hang onto his words.

"There was only one thing that would be able to keep me from becoming everything I was afraid of. Death. I went out there to kill myself."

I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn't that, and unfortunately, I bolt up before I can stop myself and scare the fuck out of him.

"What?!"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Mal, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Dear fucking Jesus..."

"Fergus, you were going to kill yourself? Like... straight up suicide?"

"Well, this is awkward. I thought you were sleeping."

"I'm sorry, what you were saying was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I didn't want you to stop, but... fuck?"

He sighs, closes his eyes, and then puts his hands over his face. I sit up and move his hands away from his face to put mine there and brush my nose against his, but he won't open his eyes.

"Don't hide from me."

He sits up, and I crawl into his lap, but he still won't open his eyes.

"Please look at me?"

He still won't open them, and I sigh. I know how to make him open them but thinking of the word after everything Onyx has done to me makes me feel vulnerable and nervous. I swallow my fear, and my voice is soft.