As The Memories Fade // c.h.

10. Crowded

To say that I enjoyed the concert would be a bit of an understatement. Despite the fact that I didn’t know the words to any of their songs, I found myself dancing and cheering just like all of the fans I could see from my position in the wings of the stage. Though, if the chorus repeated enough, I was able to pick up at least the melody and hum along. There were two songs I was able to sing, though. The first was in the middle of their set. They’d paused for a moment to confer with each other, seeming to me as if they’d forgotten what they were to play next. Then, they’d come back, mentioned something about slowing down a bit, and played ‘I Miss You’ by Blink-182. The second song I knew was the very last one they played. I had originally thought they were done with the set, but the screaming didn’t stop even after the lights went out, and then suddenly the lights were on again. That song was ‘What I Like About You’ by the Romantics. I really danced to that one. So much so, in fact, that Ashton called me out in the middle of the song, saying how he wished he had a camera to document the amount of ‘hardcore rocking’ I was doing.

Someone must have gone through and cleaned the dressing room while the boys were on stage. When we were ushered back to the previously trashed room, I was shocked to find that their suitcases had been packed again and set in a neat pile against the wall. Luke immediately demanded to know who had done it, and for some reason, I thought he was about to cuss out the thin, balding man that stepped forward. However, he promptly pulled out a fifty-dollar American bill from his wallet and handed it to the guy, thanking him and insisting that he was truly grateful for what he did. I couldn’t help but smile at that.

After each boy collected his own suitcase and anything else from the dressing room that they’d brought in, we left the venue. Well, we at least started to leave the venue. Not only did the boys stop and pose for some pictures from crew members, but they all took it upon themselves to thank any crew members they came across. I joined in, putting aside the strange feeling of unease that came with people knowing who I was for the moment and thanking those I remembered from backstage. I even posed for a picture with the ‘fog guy’ as I’d dubbed him. He had been the one working this tiny machine that spewed fog onto the stage every once in a while.

However, my mood changed dramatically as soon as the five of us (along with some security, of course) stepped outside. This was the sixth or seventh time since I’d realized just who I was that I’d been around large groups of fans. Yet, I still couldn’t get used to it. The difference between this time and the last five, though, was that this time Calum wasn’t next to me. In fact, none of the boys were. Staying back to take a picture with that crew member had put me at least two meters behind the rest of my group. And that meant I had to face the fans alone.

They closed in rather quickly, shouts piercing my ears and cameras being shoved in my face within moments of the door closing behind me. Of course, the door I’d just come through didn’t have a handle on the outside. It was an ‘exit only’ door.

“Rose!”

“Oh my God, Rose! I love you!”

“Rolum is the best!”

“Please take a picture with me, Rose!”

I could feel my pulse quicken as my eyes frantically searched the crowd ahead for a familiar face. A girl to my left pressed her cheek against mine and snapped a picture before I could even react. I frowned as it happened a few more times with different girls. At this point, I’d simply stopped moving altogether. Not only could I not see any of the 5SOS boys, but I’d lost the security team as well. And being a good inch shorter than many of the girls around me wasn’t helping in my search at all. On top of that, I found that trying to elbow my way through the crowd had set off some very uncomfortable twinges of pain in my left arm—the one that had been broken in the crash—and I figured I shouldn’t irritate it more than necessary.

“Guys, back off!” A girl’s shout rose above the rest, and my gaze shot over to land on a petite brunette to my right that was attempting to push people back and away from me. “Can’t you see that she’s scared?” She added. Those nearest her took notice of that fact almost immediately, and backed up slightly, their eyes wide. I watched as a few more caught on and backed up. After a couple of seconds, there was a good half-meter of space between me and the girls around me, and despite the sounds of chaos from the fans still occupied with the boys, it seemed silent. But I still didn’t move.

“Rose!” At the sound of Calum’s frantic shout, I jumped. I could see his head above the crowd of girls who were now moving out of his way as he came barreling towards me. Finally, I found myself moving. I lurched forward as he broke through the circle surrounding me, my arms instantly wrapping around his torso as I made contact with his chest.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I whimpered quietly into his shirt. He pulled away from me and frowned in confusion.

“Sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.” He murmured.

“I’m sorry, Rose!” A girl from the crowd called out suddenly. The rest of the group began chorusing their apologies as well, and Calum began to walk me in the direction he’d come from. I tugged myself from his grip.

“Hold on one second.” I said before turning and searching out the small brunette girl. When I did find her, I gave her a grateful smile. “Thank you.” I said, a little louder so that she might hear me over the rest of the chaos going on. Her eyes widened as if surprised I was actually talking to her, and she nodded frantically.

It wasn’t until I was in the car that I started to sob. Calum tried to wrap his arm around me in comfort, but I pushed him away. The look of hurt he gave me made me feel even worse. Ashton, Luke, and Michael all seemed confused, and after a short murmured conversation between the four boys, that confusion disappeared. Michael was the second person I snapped at. When he spoke up and insisted that everything was alright, I yelled that he was full of shit.

“I’ve been around the fans before. Not only after the crash, but before it as well. I’ve seen videos of me with them. I’m supposed to be happy, smiley, talkative.” I sniffed, not looking anywhere but my shoes. “And I got out there and I was alone, and I just—I—I couldn’t do it!” Fresh tears began making their paths on my cheeks, and I swiped them away angrily. “How am I supposed to convince the world I’m completely fine when I can’t even do the simplest of things without freezing?”

Nobody answered me for a moment, but then Calum spoke up.

“Simple? Rose, dealing with fans has never been simple for you. Or any of us, really.” He said gently, his hand reaching out to clasp mine. I stared at our hands as he spoke, feeling odd that they were touching, but not odd enough that I wanted to move away. “It gets crazy out there. Yeah, sure there are plenty of videos of all of us with crowds of fans, smiling and joking about with them. But there are times when it gets to be too much. It’s normal.” He insisted.

“He’s right. Sometimes, while a few of us stick around and chat with fans, the others go straight to the car or hotel or wherever it is we’re headed.” Ashton said. “You let the ones willing to deal with the crowd that time do their thing, and you go on ahead. We understand. The fans might not sometimes, but we do.”

I finally tore my gaze from Calum’s and I’s hands and looked around at the four boys in the back of the van with me. A small smile touched my lips as I took in their concerned expressions.

“You guys really do that for each other?” I asked. Michael nodded.

“Yeah. Our sort of informal ‘take one for the team’ method.” He quipped. “Works pretty well, too.”

“That’s really cool. I thought you just had to deal with it no matter what.” I admitted.

“We’re famous, but we’re still people. And everyone has those times when being around a bunch of strangers isn’t a fun idea.” Luke said. I nodded.

“That is true. Thank you guys for making me feel better.”