the Poplar and the Gothic

FIRST FLASHBACK

June 18, 2015
Utrecht, The Netherlands

She got up, but didn't want to. She went to school, but didn't want to.
Today is the last day of high school's first grade. Vivian knew she should be happy. She should be satisfied with her success this year. But the constant dark thoughts about her mistakes barred her from the happy ones.
A difficult year is behind her. She had good friends, but she lost them. She had great grades, but they went down to the average ones. She had best friend, but she left. Only her sketchbook remained whole and unchanged. Well, the pictures inside looked darker and more empty now... Just like her feelings.
As she walked slowly along the long corridors of Utrecht High School, her thoughts and memories of a beautiful friendship hovered over her head since she woke up. The headphones stuck in her ears were letting out loud sounds of Mabel's Don't call me up blocking annoying sounds she didn't want to hear from the hallway. Maybe that is why she played that song. Otherwise, such music is not what she  would normally have chosen to listen to. But today isn't a normal day. And today Vivian isn't the normal Vivian. And that justifies her music choice.
Each new step meant less time separating her from the looks. Or one certain look that would hurt every single part of her character, dignity or loyalty. Drowned in her mind and thoughts she finally looked away from the floor of the hall and raised her head.
And there it is - one of two expected glances. It was less painful than the other one, but still very uncomfortable. Miano, accompanied by his friends, walking in the opposite direction, with a big smile on his face, sent her a meager greeting and continued to the neighboring classroom. Vivian didn't pull her hand from her big old denim jecket, but un a salute she nodded and moved on. She didn't care about him anymore. After a few steps, she crossed the treshold of the classroom and set at her desk, somewhere in the fourth row. She looked for the painful gaze but didn't find it. Then she looked again and again. Nothing. How is that, she asked herself. She then lazily pulled her earphones out of her ears and slipped them into her pocket. She leaned against her arm and felt a soft warm tear slip down her cheek and then her hand. She couldn't wait for the day to end, to get the damn certificate with a little good grades - only to have a proof that she had completed a year. Then she'll be able to go home freely, lie down on the bed and start a three-month period of constant depression and loneliness. Books, ice cream and Netflix. There was nobody to invite her to go out anyway. She lost all her potential inviters. The most important will never return. And depression will be a deserved punishment.
The only thing the professor told her when he handed her the certificate was "Congratulations!" Vivian was aware that he wanted to be nice to her so she tried to cooperate. Without a word with a small smile she nodded, took her certificate and sat down. She was the first one to rush out the door when it was over. She was also the first one to leave the city bus when the door opened and the first to return home. Thank goodness, she thought when she found out there was noone else at home. In a swift motion, she made herself a strawberry smothie, threw a few ice cubes in, picked her belongings and jumped up the stairs to her room. She lay down on the bed, hugged the pillow that smelled the most beautiful so far and slowly soaked it with tears. She was grateful that her parents let her turn the storage room into her bedroom. She worked all last summer so she could make her own space to escape the grueling Aurelia and her command. The room was big enough that she was able to put a bed inside and a small shelf that playacted her desk. At least noone bothered her as she cried alone and choked in the dark feelings of guilt.
When the pillow had already changed color from red to burgundy, she heard a soft knock on the door.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"It's Vic. Let me in."
If it was anyone else, she wouldn't have let him in. Victor was the only family member who understood her. Or at least listened. She got up and unlocked the door. Then quickly returned to the bed and turned the wet pillow to the other, dry side. Victor quietly entered the room and sat on the floor next to a single mattress that served as a bed. He noticed an intact smoothie on the small wooden nightstand. He resisted it for a second and was drinking it in the next one.
"What happened, Via?" He asked. "Shit from last night?"
"It's not just last night. It's been the whole year together." She admitted. Then she sat on the bad and leaned against the wall. The tears kept slowly falling down her cheeks.
"Okay, I have time now. Explain it to me from the beginning." He said, sniffing the last drops of smoothie through the iron straw.
"I'm just warning you that you'll make me another one because I didn't make it for you but for myself."
"Alright, talk now."
"Um... Remember when we were in elementary school and choosing the right secondary school? And when I chose the art school? Well, Evony chose the another program at the same school just so we could be together. She even quarreled with her parents about her choice."
"She quarreled because of you?" He interrupted.
"Yes, but it didn't last long. Her parents gave in." A modest smile appeared on her lips. "Afterwards, we continued to hang out as always: after class, between classes, at home, outside... You already know. Then she found a boy from her class, his name is Miano, he's Italian - but they moved here when he was little." She explained. "Yet I couldn't find anyone for some reason and then I cheered for her. Miano was very sweet and - if I'm honest - he looked very good." Via sobbed and sighed on her mouth.
"After a while, Evony told me that they got together and we were both happy about it. I was a little less than her because I knew I would spend less time with her then I used to or I would always be a third wheel. But I didn't mind. I was glad that she was happy. After that I tried to find someone, just to fill that hole in my spare time that I used to spend with her. Even Evony gave me some suggestions for guys, but it was like I had a spell that I didn't like anyone." Vic shaked his head and rose his eyebrows.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" He asked throwing a large empty glass from one hand to the other. He only missed the a little bit more smoothie. Just a drop or two.
He was glad he was learning about things he had no idea about.
"Because it didn't seem important to me." She answered. At the time, Victor had his problems. More pain that she could have ever imagined. She wanted to tell him that she hadn't talk to him about this because she didn't want to torture him with her - then mini problems - just as he was walking along the edge of psychic existence.
"All right, keep going."
"Evony and I were still best friends. We were still very loyal to each other. Every time the two of them went out - she invited me. Or when they went oit for coffee or to eat after school - they invited me. Sometimes I went with them, sometimes I gave them space and privacy. And every time I didn't go Evony told me that Miano asked where I am. At first, everything was good, I nevet took it for anything bad or serious. That's how the time went by." Another tear fell down.
"Three months ago, sometime in March, she came here after school. I was sick then, remember? She told me that Miano and her broke up. I was surprised. I felt nothing but that. She said that he left her. He said that he liked someone else and didn't want to cheat on her so he wanted to broke up. She was pretty okay with that - and I agreed. I was scared that she would need some time to recover but she seemed surprisingly well. In that same moment we both forgot about him and talked about some other things. When I got back to school after few days, I got few messages from Miano. We never essentially talked until then."
Victor lowered his face into his palms and began to laugh softly. He predicted the ending and connected what he already knew.
"He wanted me to persuade Evony to come back to him." Victor raised his head and threw it back with laughter.
"A fool." He said when he finished his series of irreverent gestures and focused on her story again. When he saw a new river of her tears on her cheeks, he assumed something was very, very serious.
"You're probably right." She admitted. "I said she didn't want to start over with him and that I wouldn't persuade her because, as he should, I respect her decisions. After that, we continued to correspond. I hung out with Evony just like I did before. She was playful and cheerful. You know her." You knew her, she thought. "She helped me with everything. We shared everything. She was my role model and I was hers. She never told me something looked bad on me because she didn't want to hurt me bit she always found a way to let me know she didn't like it. She respected me, my choices and decisions. She was there when I needed her. I was there when she needed me." A moan. A dumpling that came down her throat.
"I know." Vic said. After a long pause he tried to pull a few more sentences out of her. "And then...?"
"Then I realized I liked Miano and was a coward because I couldn't admit it to Evony. So we decided to date. But secretly. He came over to my house and I went over to his house..."
"Hey, wait!" Vic exclaimed confused. "How come he came here when I had never seen him before?"
"So wgat do you think these ladders are here under my window? I haven't put them there for no reason. Fortunately, they didn't bother anyone yet, so they haven't made problems about it." Vic raused his eyebrows and started thinking about those ladders. So far he hasn't noticed them, even though they were so large. Via, ashamed of all those dumb ideas and actions lowered her face into her palms. Then she lifted it and looked up to the ceiling. She flet that her face have become sticky with tears, but she didn't mind.
"Go on."
"I was so very in love, Vic. I loved all of those moments spent with him even though we were always locked in a room or his basement. It was nice, he was fun, I felt important to him. Also his friends were sometime with us..." Her gaze stopped and her brain began to work faster. She just came up with the idea of who might be the one that told Evony about their relationship. Now she knew it was one of his friends, but she didn't know which one. It wasn't even important. She barely knew them.
"It must be them," She whispered.
"Who?" Vic asked confused. "What?"
"One of these Miano's friends must have told Evony about us." She closed her eyes and shed a tear. "How could I be so stupid?" She wasn't angry about the events and the result, things just happen. One way or another. She was angry with her reactions and acts. Only now did she see what a slime she was. She just acted the way others told her to act. And what did she get from it? Nothing good. And what did she lose? The one who was worth giving life to, Evony.
"It doesn't matter now. I certainly can not bring her back now," She surrendered, lowering her arms besides her. "Yesterday, obviously one of those bastards told her about us, then she rushed into my room... and the rest you know."
"Did you see her today?" Vic asked.
Cry. A huge tear. And another one.
Vivian began to cry even more than before. She started moaning and hitting the pillow hysterically.
"Why is it happening to me? Why? Why Victor?!"  A loud rhetiorical question echoed in Victor's ears as he was trying to calm her down. She pushed him away and he didn't know what to do.
"It'll be okay Via, I promise, honey. She'll forgive you. She'll be back, trust me..."
"Shut up! She's gone! Don't you understand?!" My Evony...
She screamed and hit the wall in front of her with her fist hard enough that a little crack was seen. Vic was lost. His thoughts were tingling between finding a way to calm her down and trying to inderstand why was she so hysterically wild.
"I don't understand," He asked grabbing her arm while she was still screaming in pain. "Explain it to me Via! Did you silence me?" He grabbed her by the neck and pulled her into his arms. She didn't want to stay there.
"She's dead. Okay? That's it. What else do you want?" She punched the wall once again and the crack turned into a hole. The stains of blood from her fist appeared on the wall. She then noticed the big scar on her hand. It didn't stop her from fisting and punching the wall with the other hand. She clearly wanted to hurt herself. Tears were still coming down her cheeks.
"Calm down please! I'll get you some ice!" Vic, still lost, opened the door and there he met a worried face of their mother. She just tried to come in.
"Don't come in, please." He said running down to the kitchen to get ice. He took everything icy that seemed to make sense to take. A bag of peas for one hand, a bag of frozen fruit for the other. A bag of frozen vegetables for her head and a few ice cubes for water. It may calm her down. He ran up the stairs back to the room. She was breathing deeply, breathless because of the effort and all the ugly thoughts that went through her head.
"It's my fault, you know? It's my fault she was killed! If I weren't such a coward, she would have never resented me, she would never be angry with me, Vic..."
He was silent because everything seemed excessive to say. He was surprised to learn that the girl - in fact a 16-year-old girl - who had spent her childhood with Via was now dead. That was unimaginable to him. He shook his head to deflect his thoughts, maybe he would wake up. Nothing. That was the reality. One more try. The most real reality.
As he watched Via calm down and listened to her loud painful sighs, he thought of her pain. That ugly feeling that was probably so real to her that she could touch it. She could anoint and pull it closer. Too bad she couldn't chase it away. Far away. So far it couldn't exist anymore. A pity.

***

Victor sat in Via's room for a while waiting for her to calm down completely. She then asked him to leave. He quietly left the room and went down stairs. In the kitchen, he made himself a coffee and, waiting for  it to cool off, took a look at the daily newspaper. The first thing he read was a big headline 16-YEAR-OLD KILLED ON HER WAY HOME. He was quickly interested in the news so he opened the newspaper on the page nine and began reading.
"Sixteen-year-old Evony Rijiners was killed in a car accident last night on June 17, 2015, crossing a street near downtown. The accident happened around eight in the evening. The driver of the car that injured two people and killed young E. R. was under a high influence of drugs and alcohol." Vic was tensely reading the newspapers and remembering Evony. "Injured persons were taken to the hospital. E. R. died on the spot," Victor closed the newspaper in disbelief and sipped  his hot coffee.
"Hey, did you see this?" He yelled to Dorian, who was coming home from school at the time. He was happy because he had received his certificate and couldn't wait to start bragging about it.
"No, what's the matter?" He asked as he approached the kitchen counter where he stood.
"Evony died in a car accident last night," Victor explained, handing Dorian a newspaper. "I just don't know how Via found out before. Evony's parents must have called her," Vic thought aloud, looking at the newspaper in Dorian's hands. This was the second traffic-related death in his environment. Unfortunately, the previous one left much deeper wounds.