Forgiveness

Chapter One

The boys were loaded onto the navy ship in a solemn, orderly silence that was chilling compared to the chaos they had lived in for the last few months. Their priorities had made the sudden switch from being rescued to staying alive and on top of the hierarchy that had formed between them, so all idea of returning to civilization had been abandoned.

After boarding the ship, the boys were interrogated on what had happened, assigned bunks in a room that they all would share for the rest of the voyage, and informed that they would be attending a military academy when they returned to England so they could serve their original purpose in leaving home and be ready to assist in the war in case the military was wiped out. For the most part, they accepted this fate. There was no way they could simply return home after this.

They spent their first night laying in wide-eyed silence in their bunks, unable to sleep as they fully processed for the first time what they had done and witnessed. Jack Merridew tossed and turned in his cot as he realized what he would have to face when the other boys' shock wore off; when he had to talk to Ralph again.

The realization of what he had done had hit him like their plane hit the island. He had turned into a savage killer and Ralph had watched every minute of it. And unlike most of the other boys, he hadn't gone along with it, he didn't approve... But Ralph's approval was the only thing that mattered. Jack didn't give a damn what the other boys thought as long as Ralph liked him. But he didn't, and he hadn't approved, and it drove Jack crazy to the point of savagery. He had gone to the point of madness and still couldn't return because no matter what he'd done, the fair-haired boy was always on his mind. He wanted to be with Ralph. He loved him, and he couldn't lie to himself about it. But if there was any way he could have told him before, he couldn't say it now. Jack knew that Ralph hated him, and for good reason. All he could do, all he knew he had to do, was beg him for forgiveness, but despite how brave he'd been in dark jungles of the island, he couldn't work up the courage. He'd been able to avoid it and distract himself on the vast expanse of the island, but there was no escape now. Ralph slept in the bunk above him. There wasn't very far to wander on the ship, and the soldiers had made much of the ship off limits and guarded from him. He knew that one day soon he would be confronted by the fair haired boy about what he had done, and he wanted to beat him to it and explain this on his own terms. And maybe, just maybe admit the one thing that consumed his thoughts and soul more than even his guilt.

Jack didn't have to wait too long for his opportunity to come to him. After two painful days of adjustment to their new life, all of the boys had taken to exploring the ship and playing cards with the soldiers. Ralph, however, had decided to stay in the bunk room by himself. He had noticed that now that they had been thrust back into civilization and the care of adults, the other boys were acting as if their savage rampage had never even occurred, and it sickened him. The same boys who would have killed him with spears and knives and mounted his head on a stick two days earlier were now making friendly small talk with him and asking to sit with him during meals. They didn't even try to apologize, and if Ralph tried to mention it, they'd nervously laugh it off and change the subject. It all felt so fake, and it made him want to avoid all interaction with them at all. He desperately wanted someone he could actually talk to about it, even if it was one of the boys who'd gone savage. He knew that Piggy would have, but Piggy was dead. The other boys had killed him and now they acted as if the chubby, outcast boy with the glasses hadn't even existed, because if they did, they'd have to admit to killing him.

The final, most strangely powerful stone in the avalanche of the boy's mind was that Jack Merridew was doing everything in his power to avoid him. He didn't know why, and it tortured him at night almost as much as the recurring flashbacks of Piggy and Simon's lifeless bodies. Did Jack still think of him as an enemy? Or was he ashamed? Ralph knew that he should avoid him, but for some unexplainable, torturous reason, after every horrid, evil thing the red-haired boy had done, he still wanted him by his side. But why...?
As he sat alone in the bunk room, the realization struck Ralph like lightning. He shivered, his eyes wide, unable to blink as he covered his face with his hands and shook his head. 'No..' he thought, trying to force the truth away 'I can't. He's killed my friends, he's turned into a monster, why in hell do I...?'