My Simplicities

Evangeline

After my outburst I remained on the ground in a heap on the verge of tears, gasping for air and then choking on the sheer nothing in my lungs. I was in a panic, I couldn't think straight irrational thoughts filling, no flooding into my brain threatening to crush me, shatter my body into one million pieces. I shakily set the pizza down and back away still in a ball to the watt behind me. Zach looks scared and doesn't know what to do, I am trying to compose myself struggling to sloppily throw the pieces back together into what I once was. But they refuse to fit like two sides of the magnet with a same charge. They just repelled one another, getting close enough to fix but then jumping and breaking apart once again. I curl my legs up to my chest and bury my head into my knees forcing my body to calm down by taking deep breaths. I feel an arm go around my shoulders and hold me closer as if trying to comfort me. I raise my shoulders in uneasiness and then try to regain focus on my breathing. As soon as that is in control I can get out of this position.

Minutes mold into hours and it is dark out before I wake up, I feel my eyes snap open and I bolt up the covers falling into my lap. I realize I am in my bed, I pause and look around slowly the room is dark but my television is on. I slowly get up my legs feeling weak and wobbly like rubber poles. I slowly make my way into the living room to find Zach on the couch asleep, the television is just playing a random stream of commercials. He must have set me into the bed after I passed out, I didn't think I would, my panic attacks haven't been since I was in 7th grade. Turing off the television I pull the blanket which is near about falling off of him up around his shoulders. He lets out a little groan and shifts a little bit pulling the blanket up to his cheek as if he is a little kid. I sigh and head back to my bed still exhausted, I check the time and see it is 1:50 am. I flop on my back sinking into the bed, the covers smell of cannabis, vodka, perfume, and pine needles. I reach over into the slot from my bed and my wall grabbing a small plush bear, I clutch it to my chest letting the slightly matted fur rub against my cheek. Shutting my eyes, my thoughts drift into a time where things were closer to happy when the girls didn't bother me or so it seemed. My parents didn't hold perfection over my head, me and my sister weren't mother and daughter we were siblings.

*Flashback*

"Alex! Hey were are you?" Evangeline was ten I was four, Desmond was eight. Perfect little Desmond, from the beginning he was liked more than me. I was the odd one always stirring up trouble, going up into the attic and playing with the older dolls and drawing. I was always an artist, drawing from birth Evangeline always made that joke. But I had a talent for it a raw talent to see things and draw by looking, or just putting what my thoughts sketched onto paper.

I was up in the attic like I always was, Evangeline had just gotten home from school report card with all A's. I heard my mom screaming from my perch in the attic, the graphite smudging my face as I drew a lily in the dim lighting from the lamp I had Evangeline set up for me. My drawings covered the walls, ranging from cartoons with simple shapes, to dragons and faeries flying into the sky. I set everything away and I slowly climbed down the attic with one of the ceramic dolls I found up there months before. I had braided its hair today so it was in pigtails falling onto its white and red dress. Her pale skin matched the white and her black hair went into a high contrast with the dress and skin. She had gold eyes that seemed alive almost. She was my only toy I had ever loved as much as drawing, I had sketched her over 100 times. I jump out of the secret stairs that lead up to the attic, they were located behind an old painting that would be sealed 5 years later along with all of the drawings. My little arms closed the paintings as I turn to see Desmond looking at me with a hateful glare, I cowered to the painting.

"Mom is looking for you Alex. How about you stop your pathetic drawing and pay more attention to what Mother wants. Or are you to mute to even hear!" He tugs at my hair and I whimper as Evangeline runs up and smacks his hand and picks me up to comfort me. I hold my doll to my chest as tears break through my eyes and I cry silently into her shirt.