Handle With Care

Two

Chapter Two

We were both thirteen year old and it was summertime. We had always loved the summer. With no school and brilliant warm sunshine the possibilities were endless. Birds sang during the day and crickets chirped at night with the air full of fireflies like some kind of a fairytale. It was almost impossible to be anything but happy during the summer.

If I had to pinpoint an exact time when things started to go weird it was that summer. Until that point everything had been pretty close to perfect. I guess that’s usually how it goes when you’re a little kid.

As a thirteen year old boy you begin to notice girls in a certain way. That is normal. It is expected. But what I noticed was not exactly normal. I simply was not attracted to girls in any way at all. I did not worry because I still had time. I only started to worry when my attraction turned to boys.

I can’t say that I woke up one morning and suddenly realized I was gay. It happened gradually. The worst part was that the boy I was most attracted to also happened to be my best friend. I was scared. I was sure that my feelings were horribly wrong and that everyone I cared about most would hate me for it.

My feelings for Noah grew with each passing day. I could not help it. How could I not be attracted to him? Noah had been there for me for about as long as I could remember. We had grown up together. We were constantly side by side. He was strong and brave, confident and optimistic. He had the cutest freckles and the best honey brown hair.

I finally broke when my attraction to Noah got out of hand. We were playing mini golf. I was never very good at sports. Noah decided to teach me how to golf properly. He came up to stand behind me, pressing against my backside firmly, his hands on top of mine on the golf club. It all stirred up some feelings that it definitely should not have.

I ran away and hid. I was still under the crazy impression that you could simply run away from all of your problems but I later learned that just was not true. It was thundering outside, the sky dark and ominous. It fit my mood pretty well. The wind howled, the lightning illuminated the area, and rain poured from the storm clouds. By the time Noah found me he was drenched and out of breath. “Quinnie!” he exclaimed.

“How did you find me?” I asked, scowling.

“I remembered this cave from when we went hiking before. What are you doing here?”

“Go away!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the cave.

“No! I’m not leaving you,” he stubbornly sat down on the dirt ground to face me. “What are you doing here Quinnie? Did something happen? Is something wrong?”

“You should go,” I replied.

“No, tell me what’s wrong,” he insisted.

“I can’t. You’re just going to hate me when I tell you.”

“I would never hate you.”

“You will. I know you will. I’m a gigantic loser Noah. I’m really messed up and I hate this. I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”

“Quinnie…it’s okay,” he sounded sympathetic. “You’re not a loser.”

“It’s not okay!” I snapped.

“Talk to me Quinnie,” he pleaded.

“I am talking,” I pointed out.

“That is not what I meant and you know it. You can tell me anything.”

“I can’t,” I shook my head and started to cry.

“Please tell me. I promise I won’t get mad.”

“You promise?”

“I promise Quinnie.”

I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face. I took a deep gasping breath then blurted out my secret. “I think I’m gay.”

He was agonizingly silent as I sobbed. Finally he spoke. “That’s okay.”      

“What?” I looked at him in shock.

“I don’t mind it if you’re gay. It doesn’t bother me. You’re still my best friend. You’re still Quinnie.”

I allowed him to hug me and to comfort me because I needed someone to hold me together when I was falling apart.

---

 It was nearing the end of the summer when Noah’s family took me on vacation with them. We stayed in a cabin by a lake. Noah and I spent almost all of our time together there on the lake’s dock. We watched many sunsets and went swimming often. When they set off fireworks we lay on our backs side by side and held hands. I drew Noah in my sketchbook and he loved it so much that he kissed my cheek excitedly.

I blushed in response and tried to pull away but he then grabbed my face and kissed my lips. I struggled not to make anything of the kiss. We had always been very close and that is how I passed it off. He did not say a single word about it and acted as casual as he always did. I had no reason to believe anything was meant by that kiss.

Nothing extremely out of the ordinary happened until our last full day at the lake. We were sitting on the dock like we usually did. Neither one of us had a shirt on and when he glanced over at me he said “You’re starting to get a little sun burned.”

I shrugged then reached into my backpack for the sun block lotion. “I’m paler than you so I burn faster,” I commented.

“Do you need some help? I can reach your back for you,” he offered.

“Sure,” I nodded. He kneeled behind me and rubbed the sun block lotion onto my back and shoulders with both of his hands.

I blushed bright red at his touch. Those inappropriate feelings were beginning to stir inside me again so I pulled away from him. “Are you okay? Did I hurt your or something?” he questioned.

“No, it felt really…nice,” I mumbled, terribly embarrassed.

“Oh…” he stared at me, slowly moving closer to me. He finally rested with his lips only inches from mine. “I love you Quinnie,” he kissed me.

It wasn’t like we had never said I love you to each other before but strictly in a best friend way. What bothered me was the kissing. “Why did you do that?” I demanded.

“Why did I do what?” he seemed puzzled.

“You know I’m gay but you kiss me. Do you think it’s funny? It’s not funny Noah!”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I know it’s not funny. I just thought you liked me.”

“You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, but don’t you like me more than that? You don’t think I’m cute or anything?” he inquired persistently.

“Umm…I don’t know…”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed me again. That time, I actually tried to kiss back. He told me that night all about his feelings for me. I was not sure he knew what he was saying at first but by the time that he told me he was moving away our relationship was going strong and I could call him my boyfriend.

---

At first having Noah move away was extremely difficult for me. I cried for so long. I could barely eat or do much of anything for that matter. Somehow though, I managed to tape myself back together. It was not easy in the least bit. I will never ever forget Noah or be able to replace him. There would forever be an empty space in my heart. Time continues and there is nothing else you can really do but try to move on.