Just some random things, lolol

Rant on 'Jelousy'

I feel like a waste of space. Like I don't belong.
Like all I ever do is make others feel bad.

I'm good at it. Very good.

I'm even a disgrace for INTPs.

Like... I do show traits that define an INTP. I do tend to behave like an INTP. But I'm also over-emotional.
The bad part about it is: I tend to stop being logical.

I do become emotional over people not following logic. It makes me angry or whatever when I witness somone not following the logical suggestions others give them, especially when I give them.
I know INTPs are said to feel offended by that, but I don't get offended, I develop feelings of anger, if not even aggression.

I also tend to be the definition of jelousy when it comes to the very limited number of people I actually deeply care about.
I become jelous enough to even hurt the person which I become jelous over.
So instead of showing the person that they are dear to me by admitting that them hanging out with others (or whatever it is that made me jelous), I do become passive-aggressive towards the person dear to me.
The outcome is the opposite of what I want.

Instead of them understanding my affection for them and us being able to work it out, I just start to act passive, then passive-aggressive and then I sometimes even snap.
I start insulting the person dear to me, and even if I manage to not to that, I still give them many more reasons to start to dislike me than I give them reasons to stay around me.

And as if that wasn't the worst part about it, even though I am aware that it's my own fault and that I could try to change it, I can't do anything about my behavior unless I lie to them and also lie to myself. Unless I shove away all negative emotions until I'm back to my non-emotional constantly happy self. But under those circumstances, other than usual, this happy self is a lie. It's a fake.

And how can I expect someone to stay around me if all I do is lie?

But if I don't shove those emotions away, then I let out all my anger and frustration on those dearest to me. By doing that I give them more reasons to distance themselves from me. That again builds up even more frustration etc., which leads to even more negative behavior of mine.
It's an endless circle until everyone who is dear to me just doesn't like me anymore.

Some openly show it and I know they hate me, some don't show but I can tell they don't want more than basic conversations with me.
And some don't show and keep on saying they don't, but I can't stop thinking that they do.

In general, there's barely anyone who says that they like me that I believe.
There's maybe 4 of them. Because we've been friends for so long and now don't see each other on a daily basis but they still talk to me even though they wouldn't need to (after all I'm bad at keeping in contact, they could just not message me and it wouldn't make a difference). So those, maybe, actually learned to.. at least.. tolerate my actual self. Maybe they don't approve, but they tolerate and that's okay. It's good.

But I just wish I could change myself. I don't want to be the reason everyone hates me. I want them to hate me because of more different reasons, not all those reasons that originated from one single absolutely wrong aspect of my personality. 

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Yes I kinda feel like I'm messing up again.

But this time it isn't just any person dear to me, nope, it's my boyfriend. And I feel like atm, when he needs love and support the most, I just give him more and more reasons to hate me.

And I hate myself for being this way.

- 21.03.2020