Bye Anna

This is my first story and I'm only going to write this much at first to get the general response. If you guys like it then i will carry on. I hope you do and thank you to whoever reads this and gives me support. I'm also very sorry for and grammar or spelling mistakes :P

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I wasn't me anymore, anorexia had claimed my soul, my body and my mind. I felt as though i was among the walking dead, alive in some respects, but not there, not living in the present. My mind was adrift, i was being controlled and there was nothing i could do to stop it.

My name is Louise, I'm 16 years old and yes i have anorexia nervosa, did i chose it? No. And yet it's something that i have to live with on a day to day basis, something that is a constant struggle. However it's not a struggle to eat, it's a struggle to not eat. You see i thrive on being thin, it's something i take pride in.  It's the one thing i can control in this god forsaken life that I'm so destined to live. I never asked to be here, and yet I am. I never asked to have the up- bringing that I had, and yet I did. I wanted to control something for once, and I've achieved it.

I'm not like most anna's (what i call anorexics) who got called fat one day and decided to stop eating, or get into a girl cliche and decide that we would all become thin. No. that's now my story. You see I always knew I was fat, but never thought it a problem until the age of 6. I had a friend over you see and I asked my grandmother it we could have something to eat, you know, like any other child would. I remember exactly the way she sat, on the sofa directly across from the T.V, she froze and stared at me. "Have you not seen yourself Louise? your fat, look at you." I automatically felt humiliated and tried to suck in my tummy, but she caught me. "Look at you trying to suck your fat in." My grandmother pulled up my shirt and prodded at my flab, "You don't need and more food. You're big enough as it is." And with that I ran up to my room and cried. But that's not when I thought, hey let's not eat, no that came years later, you know after all my self esteem had gone and i was at my lowest point. Over the next couple of years i did the only thing i knew how to do. Eat, and even though my grandmothers words had effected me, i got over it soon enough. Over the next years of my life i had children calling me fat, ugly, etc.  hec, even the adults called me a "chunky monkey" as "a joke" but i never laughed. I remember one particular time, and this will always stay with me, the time when i was waiting in the dinner que and i picked up the last blue cup. You see in when I was younger, no one like the orange cup's as a rumour had gotten round that a boy named Ralph liked to spit in them, so naturally no one touched them, anyway back to the point. A boy named Tim grabbed it at the same time as me, but there was no way i was going to let him take the last precious blue cup, so we started arguing over it, I was about 10 years old so my arguing skills were not quite as good as the 11 year olds as he knew stronger words than i did, but then he told me to "get of the cup you fat girl." My friend Samantha turned round and said "She's not fat. She's just..... full of vegetables." Now I know Sam was trying to stick up for me but the fact that she paused and then said i was "full of vegetables"  made me more sad that Tim calling me fat. Because like i said before, I got used to people calling me fat, but the fact that one of my friends obviously thought the same, well that hurt.

Like i said before, I knew i was fat at 6 but started dieting at the age of 8. I was ashamed of my body and the way i looked, so i developed my personality instead. I was a fun and loving little girl who but on a double act. On the outside i was Louise. Everyone wanted to be big, bubbly, bright Louise's friend. But no boys wanted to be anything more. And over time it started to take its toll. Which is why I guess I'm here. At Luton Manor psychiatrist health unit. Home to the critiaclly unstable.