Follow Me Back (complete first draft of the published book)

Chapter 6: How Does That Make You Feel?

Chapter 6: How Does That Make You Feel?

Tessa sat on her bed and eyed the spiral-bound notebook in her lap. She should open it to a clean page and make her daily entry in her thought journal, she thought, now that Scott had left her to herself again. God knows, she had enough thoughts whirling through her head to fill a page or two.

She should write about Scott, probably. Too many entries lately had been about Eric. Always Eric. Even when she set out to write about something else, it always revolved back to Eric in the end.

"You tell me, Tessa," Dr. Regan had asked her earlier. "Why do you think you've fixated on him?"

Maybe because she spent 12 hours a day on twitter, chatting with his fans and stalking his every move?

No, She didn't want to write more about Eric. This feeling she had that she knew him - that she understood him - it was all just an illusion. She'd never met Eric Thorn and probably never would. He would live his entire life without ever knowing that Tessa Hart existed. She needed to spend her time and energy on something more than make believe. Something real.

Tessa flipped her notebook open and began to write:

August 12, 2013 10:07 AM

Scott just left. He only stayed for 20 minutes. How does that make me feel? Relieved. Honestly, that's how I felt when he left. What's wrong with me? He mostly annoys me lately. Every little thing he does sets me off. Like the way he's always chewing gum and making disgusting noises with it. And then I can't help but flinch a little if he tries to touch me. I know he's noticed it too. I try to tell him it's not because of him. It's part of the recovery. I'm not sure if he believes me. He used to stay here and hang out with me for hours when I first came back from college, but nowadays he always has somewhere else to be.

I know I'm not being fair. I should be thankful he's still in my life at all. I can't imagine how isolated I would feel without him. It's not like Mom is ever here. She's working all the time, and when she is here she makes me feel guilty for dropping out. She doesn't get it. At least Scott doesn't guilt-trip me.

Why does he annoy me? I almost yelled at him when he came in my room before. He snuck up on me. He knows how it rattles me when I feel like someone is watching me from behind. He should understand that by now, right? How hard is that to understand?

Tessa paused and took a deep breath. She tried to imagine Dr. Regan reading it back and the questions her therapist would ask. "I hear you saying that you find Scott insensitive, Tessa. What does that say about your own state of mind?"

She started to write some more:

It's not just that he snuck up on me. There's something else. I was listening to Eric's song, and Scott almost caught me. He almost saw the expression on my face when I didn't realize anyone was watching. It made feel exposed. And guilty. Guilty. I'm annoyed at Scott because he makes me feel guilty about the way I obsess over Eric.

"That's good, Tessa," she whispered, channeling her inner therapist's voice. "How does that make you feel?"

I don't know why I feel guilty. Dr. Regan said it was good that I spend time on twitter. Therapeutic. "Any kind of social interaction can hold therapeutic value." That's what she said. So if it's all just therapeutic, then why do I feel the need to hide it from my boyfriend?

It's not like I'm cheating on him. Not even close. Everyone I talk to on twitter is female. Just because we tweet all day long about a guy? Lots of people have fan accounts. Celebrity crushes. It's not like Scott even cares what I do on twitter anyway. If he cared, he could have followed me himself.