Follow Me Back (complete first draft of the published book)

Chapter 13: Pre-heating

Chapter 13: Pre-heating

September 15, 2013

"OK Tessa. Let's take a look at your thought journal this week. Can you walk me through this?"

Tessa stared at the backs of her fingernails as her therapist thumbed through the spiral notebook. More of the same, she thought to herself with a sigh. Sometimes she wondered if all this therapy was really helping her make any progress at all.

"Tessa?" Dr. Regan prompted again.

"I guess it's mostly about Scott again," Tessa replied without looking up. She knew she was mumbling and she forced herself to speak a little louder. "He didn't come to see me at all last week. It kind of sucked."

She could sense Dr. Regan's thoughtful nod in response. "And how did that make you feel?"

It made me feel like shit, Tessa thought to herself angrily. What did her therapist expect her to say? Warm and fuzzy? With an effort, Tessa bit back a sarcastic reply. She'd save that for later. For Taylor. That was the nice thing about talking to Taylor, wasn't it? She didn't have to censor herself. And she didn't have to dissect every passing emotion that flitted through her head like a butcher carving up a side of beef.

"I don't know," she said to Dr. Regan, playing for time. "It's not Scott's fault, I guess. He started his new semester, so he's busier now with school. I understand that."

"OK, Tessa. Try to dig a little deeper for me if you can."

"I don't know!" Tessa snapped. "How do you think I feel? I feel lonely and hurt and angry. And scared. I feel scared. OK? Is that deep enough?"

"That's good, Tessa. I hear you saying that Scott's behavior frightens you. Could you tell me more about that?"

Tessa swallowed a groan. Honestly, couldn't Dr. Regan just ask a straightforward question for once in her life? Did she have to make everything sound like a psychology textbook?

Tessa didn't know why she found therapy so annoying lately. She should probably write about that in her thought journal. What would Dr. Regan have to say to that? Tessa nearly let out a giggle at the thought . "Tessa, I hear you saying that I annoy the crap out of you. Could you tell me more about that?"

"Tessa?" Dr. Regan interrupted her thoughts. "Did you hear me?"

"Sorry," Tessa responded, giving her head a rapid shake. She had to focus. She was never going to get better if she didn't take therapy seriously. "I guess it makes me scared that Scott might be drifting away from me. I feel like I'm a burden to him. Like I'm a chore on his to-do list. And I'd be really isolated if I didn't have him. I'd be completely alone. That scares me."

"I see. Have you expressed these feelings to Scott?"

"No." Tessa could feel her pulse start to quicken at the thought. "We don't really talk like that. It would be weird."

"Talk like what, Tessa?"

"About feelings and stuff. I don't know. His eyes just kind of glaze over, and he changes the subject. I don't want to seem clingy. Taylor says-"

"Taylor?" Dr. Regan interrupted. "This is your new online friend?"

"From Twitter," Tessa confirmed. "We've been talking a lot lately."

"That's good, Tessa. How frequently do you and Taylor talk?"

"Every night, for about a month now. Sometimes she messages me during the day, too, but she has to work a lot."