An Owl Will Cut A Bitch

     An owl, a crafty little bitch that species.  Their short, scrawny bodies, tiny ass beak that can still peck your nuts off if you're not careful.  Now the owl that this story about is not a regular owl.  He is a really pissed off barn owl that will eat your soul.  Anyways, he used to be a chipper little fellow until his parents had his "grapes" snipped.  Unlike how the humans do things, his parents, more specifically his mother, personally snipped his 'grapes" with her own beak.  Imagine how that would feel if your mom did that now for all you guys out there.  Going back to this owl, his name is Dick.  For those of you who do not know, Dick is another name for Richard, but this name seemed to have suited him more.  You will eventually figure out why on your own.  

         Now everyone knows that owls are relatively harmless, but this owl, on the other hand, was a real "Dick" so to speak.  From the day his mom bit off his balls, he has never had a happy moment.  He is more or less the grumpy cat of the flying flamboyant family.  He rarely ever has a happy moment, unless he finds a way to sadden your already upsetting life.  his daily goal is to wake up, eat, shit, eat again, piss you off, and shit again, then sleep at the end of the day.  This may not seem like much to a meager human, but as an owl, oh laawd it was a hell of a day.  A mere human does not realize how much energy it take for an owl to pull his ass off of a stick and haul his ass into the air just to drop a deuce on your car window.

        Now Dick is a one-of-a-kind owl.  Unlike the rest of the freakin' owls in the world, he is a real "Dick".  Most owls will keep to themselves, and not harm a single thing, except a mouse, a rat, maybe a snake, oh who am I kidding, they are all assholes.  But Dick was a special kind of asshole.  He was the asshole who didn't give a shit what any other owl said or did (he really only gave a shit when he had to shit).    When a normal owl was to go hunting and catch mice to feed the family, he would catch a snake just to fly it to your house and drop in your sheets on you and your wife's "fun night."  Didn't expect him to be that bad did you?  

        Now that I think of it, Dick was The Annoying Orange and Grumpy Cat with wings.   Hmmm, I seriously question myself now.  But rather than listen to me ramble on about this owl, why don't you just take a walk down the wild side, and do something with your life!  I'm kidding, really.  if anything, you should give up on everything in your meager little human lives and invest time into the study of owls.  It's mainstream these days, you'll find out one day or another.  Dick the owl is a nasty, bodacious, tufted, rude, and ignorant psycho-bitch.  

        Dick is known among many a kin as the one who would give a shit.  Literally, he would give other owls shit, and it was disgusting.  He was way to unsanitary to be considered a cute little owl.  If anything, he is one of Meg's hooters (Family Guy).  His body is nothing as to what an owl should  look like.  He is bulky, fat beaked, and a little taller than most owls, and every owl of his species, considering he's a barn owl.  He was obnoxious, simply obnoxious, nothing better.  When he spoke to the owls in his raspy hoot, it sounded as if a cat had just given birth to la chupacabra.  i don't know what that sounds like, but just go with it, okay?  If you went along with it, good, because this sound is just awful.  

        One day, Dick went on a little adventurous kind of hunt, not a hunt that owls usually go on for food.   Dick decided he wanted to be a wise ass, and went to hunt for a "snake" in the town.  I am sorry for those of you who do not know where this is going.  This chubby son of a bitch decided to fly into a man's window, just for fun.  Unfortunately, this man had just gotten out of the shower.   Now Dick was know for being an ass, and at this moment, he truly defined his name.  When the man droppped his towel, Dick sprung up from the window, and lets just say that one, that man never got "sprung" again, and two, Dick sure as hell went home with a snake, although it wasn't as big as he had hoped.