Silence
Silence in its own way is a deafening cry, only heard by those who also understand the silence and why it's there, like the never ending voice in the back of your head saying Don't speak, don't tell, stay silent. I never thought I'd ever become a member of this group called silence, not until I was 14 or so when I realized no matter where I went the silence followed haunting me, preying on me like a lion against an antelope. The antelope so graceful and innocent taken by the lion so fierce and cruel. I never realized until later on in life exactly why this happend to me, or why the silence haunted me like a ghost for my first 15 years, I understand now as shivers still run up my spine and the thought of it curls my stomach. It all started when I was 14....
Being a new teenager my stupidity levels were at their highest, and my morals....at their lowest. I just wanted to be loved since everything I had ever known of love had fallen apart. My parent divorced at a young age and their love showed me that it never works out, so what's the point of loving it always falls apart, if the one man in your life lets you down, it all started that night in a sickening twisted way it was the beginning of long years of silence.
"I'm going out with my friends, dad" I said as I walked out the door, barely having time to hear a faint okay. I am 14. I am strong, fearless, undefeatable. Wrong. I thought that's what I was, maybe to escape from the downhill reality I was in or maybe just to justify why I was slowly ruining my life in fruitless attempts to make the pain go away, because God I had so much pain everywhere. Pulling out a cigarette I put it to my mouth, and lit it inhaling and exhaling feeling the smoke make its way down my throat poisoning my lungs the same way my soul was poisoned, I was dying slowly from the inside out, my mind constantly tearing, ripping me into the shred of the person I was before I was alone and lost in this world without any plan of hope or saving, I didn't want to be saved I didn't need to be I was on my own and I had accepted that, there were only a few things to live for, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a fresh pack of cigarettes, and my sister. She was the most beautiful little girl in the world, with blonde hair reaching past her shoulders and grey-blue eyes the size of the moon, she was fair skinned always getting sunburnt. She was my major priority in life, protect her from the loud fights of my parents in the other room, shouting their hate for each other in ways that made my sister and I resent them, she would cry to me for hours, minutes, days
"Tell them to stop yelling Hannah, I'm only 6 I don't need to hear this, make them stop yelling please Hannah"
I would cry and hold her hand in a sad attempt to comfort the crying 6 year old in my arms
"I know Lily, don't worry, I'll protect you, they'll stop yelling why don't you go in your room hunny"
Tears began to fall from eyes, as I stumbled along the pavement towards pipers house, pondering on the fact I left my sister alone with my father again, a deep unsettling feeling arose in my chest screaming at me to turn around and go back home, to make sure she's okay, but I didn't I kept walking shaking off the irrational fear in my head and the feeling in my chest. First mistake.
Piper lived around the corner and up the block from my house, she's lived there since before I can remember, probably just as long as I had lived In my dad's house. She was my drinking buddy, for her life was just as haunted as my own was becoming.
"Hey piper" I say as I walk along the block, almost laughing because she looked exactly like I did, her eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She was still beautiful though her hair was long and curly, the brown of it reminded me of milk chocolate.
"Are we getting fucked up tonight, Hannah."
I laughed she was never one to escape the point.
"If my dad even let's me sleep out. He's been keeping me in lately must finally be realizing I'm not the daughter he thought I was" I tried to make light of that sentence but it came out just as bitter as I thought It would, I was angry and I had every single right to be when all he ever did was make me believe I wasn't worth anything, or anyone. When he made me believe the only thing I lived on this earth for was to be a slave to him but I wasn't put on this earth for that and I refuse to keep doing it forever, he'll see eventually I'll escape the prison walls he's locked me in, I'll be able to breath.
"Ew what's his problem, what he want you to clean more of the damn house" Piper said.
I laughed at the sad truth.
"Probably, he's such a fucking asshole, whatever I stopped careing ages ago" I said with extreme disdain in my voice.
Walking along the street, piper and I made our way to Neverland Park. Why the hell would they name a town Neverland? Is this Peter Pan or something? I giggled Neverland...take me to Neverland.
"Hannah did you just laugh" Piper asked curiously considering the fact that we had not been talking, just half heartedly walking down the street finishing the remnants of our cigarettes, consumed in our own sickening thoughts. For some reason Pipers question made me giggle harder, had I just laughed? Out of nowhere? What the hell?
"Yea I did I was thinking about why the hell someone would name a town Neverland"
Piper looks at me questionably and then starts to giggle too, soon both of us were holding our stomachs dying in laughter, neither of us really knew why maybe we needed that laugh or maybe we needed a hug, maybe those fits of giggles were the only thing keeping us alive at that point because both of us were breaking quickly and with no hope, so maybe all we needed was the laugh and the presence of a friend to make the world seem all the less lonely....
